Wayne's Words

SICKO DOs and DON’Ts

2012-01-26T17:56:00.002-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 6 Number 01
SICKO DOs and DON’Ts

I actually WAS going to do a January blog MUCH sooner than this, but things happened. Mistakes were made. Speaking of mistakes, I JUST realized that I misspelled the word frak in my last blog. I had a C shoved in front of the K. It only has the K.

Anyway, I was going to write this edition on Friday the 13^th, which is normally my lucky day. As fate would have it, I awakened that morning to a badly misaligned spine! And you thought I didn’t have a spine. I spent most of that Friday, Saturday and Sunday flat on my back in the living room floor.

On Sunday (January 14), I did take time to go and TRY to play basketball against the Harlem Ambassadors to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters, but after taking a couple warm up shots I realized that my back injury would preclude me from participating. So, I became Assistant Coach.

The following morning (Monday) my back was still pretty bad, but getting better. However, just as that problem was clearing up… I ran into the next one.

There is still some debate as to who was actually Patient Zero at my office. To me, however, it matters not. Whomever it was still succeeded in giving me the first cold I have had in nearly FOUR years! Really! I have not had a cold or flu in forever and this one knock me right on my frakked up back! I suffered for almost 7 full days.

During that week I realized, because it had been so many years since I had been sick, that I had forgotten many of the things you should and shouldn’t do while you are sick.

DON’T go to work if you are the first one sick – Patient Zero!
DO go to work, if you have to, when several other people are already there sick. What are you going to hurt at this point? Patient Zero has already infected everybody!
DON’T cough, sneeze or ooze on other people while you are at work. Gross!
DO go home as soon as you can. Regardless of how many people are already sick at the office, no one wants to see, hear or be around you while you are coughing, sneezing and oozing!
DON’T try to do stuff at home. You’re sick! Get in bed! The dishes, laundry, litter boxes, vacuuming, etc. will still be there when you get better. Just get better.
DO get in bed. OK, it doesn't have to be bed, the couch is fine.
DON’T forget to load your end table with plenty of tissues, meds, liquids, remote controls, cell phone and other necessary items BEFORE you lay down. You will NOT want to get up once you get snuggled up in the blankets.
DO remember a wastebasket for the 10,000 snotty Kleenex wads you create. I forgot this part and did NOT feel like getting up. The snotty tissue pile was quite the sight to behold!
DON’T watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High on regular TV while you lay there sick. It will sicken you even more realizing how bad a job the censor-editors did in overdubbing the curse words. It will also worsen your ills when you realize that, since it was censor-edited long ago, much of what was overdubbed is said on network TV now. At this point you will feel sick and old! Ugh!
DO watch The Stand, The Walking Dead (TV series), The Andromeda Strain, Outbreak, 12 Monkeys, Contagion or any other movie about a plague or flu or disease. Tis kind of fun and, since there are so many sickies on the screen, you won’t feel so alone in your misery.
DON’T answer your door unless absolutely necessary.
DO keep a baseball cap and a robe handy in case you HAVE to answer the door or see someone. This is another one that I forgot. I answered the door after having been in a sweaty, snotty slumber. After shooing away whoever it was, I stopped in at the bathroom. What I saw in the mirror was a pale, snotty, nearly dead looking version of Randy (Nicolas Cage) from Valley Girl. As bad as his hair was in that movie I bested it by 100 fold!
DON’T try to cook anything. Standing at the stove, stirring mac & cheese while doped up on Nyquil is just not smart. At best, you might wake up on the cold tile floor with the dog licking powdered cheese sauce off of your face while the cats are gnawing at your toes.
DO let people drop food off for you! Thanks Hillbilly Mom!
DON’T let anyone stay and “take care” of you. Face it: we are ALL babies when we are sick. No sense letting people experience your snotty childish ways. Just stay there all snuggled in your blankets. You’re safe. There is nothing anyone can do in the confines of your house anyway except watch you ooze snot and contract whatever bug you have.
DO be nice to folk. If they offer to take care of you, be gracious – they care. What they CAN do is pick up something from the pharmacy or movie rental store for you. That is a big help to you and satisfies their desire to help you, but only if they offer and only if you actually need something. Do not fake it.
DON’T drive while on cold medication. Contrary to how they look, airbags do not make good pillows.
DO play driving games on your Xbox while on cold medication. It will prove to you why you shouldn’t try it in real life. Plus, tis big fun without getting hurt.
DON’T get up from your sick nest too soon. Relapse is ugly, because you feel great and then you’re sick again later that day! You pushed it!
DO take it slow. The best thing is to get better and THEN move on. You may want to and feel like you can go to dinner or a movie or whatever, but you can’t. Get better first.

I feel better. What an ugly way to start the year though.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

NYE 2011

2011-12-31T11:51:00.002-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 11
NYE 2011

Is it already New Year’s Eve, 2011?

Really?

Another year is gone?

What the frack?

The grocery clerk asked me as she scanned my groceries (that sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it…LOL). Anyway, she asked me if I was ready for the New Year. I told her that I still wasn’t ready for the one that just passed.

I wasn’t really trying to be clever or cute. As always, I was just being honest. I’m NOT ready for last year. My God, it seemed to go by so quickly! I don’t even think I have even made a resolution for 2011 yet. I guess that is OK. That means I haven’t broken a resolution for 2011 either! Woo Hoo!

It has been a strange year for me: different than any other. There has been a lot of death surrounding me. It has been hard. Twas not nearly as hard for me as for immediate framily of the lost souls, but still kind of… just not good at all.

A Search and Rescue subject, a friend, a client, two grandmothers, a friend’s dad, two uncles, a semi-grand father of my son and (if you go into 2010 when the trend started) a cousin and my boss have all passed. Am I forgetting anyone? I may have lost count. So many.

I know I have written some this year about cherishing your relationships and the people in your lives, so I won’t harp on that. Just do it. Don’t let the people who mean the most and who have always answered your call fade from your life. You might realize one day when it is too late that you missed something special and beautiful.

So, what should I write about this New Year’s Eve?

FEELINGS? I pretty much feel the same and I'm sure you don’t want to hear me whine on NYE.

SHOPPING TRIUMPHS? I just got a pair of brand new $150 walking shoes for $20 (both prices include tax), but I'm sure you don’t want to hear any bragging on NYE.

MUSIC? I received Chris Isaak’s newest (double) album for Christmas from Hillbilly Mom, but I'm sure you don’t want to hear about music that only I like on NYE.

BOOKS? I have only read one book this year (The Great Divorce - C.S. Lewis) and I’m sure, on NYE, you really don’t want to hear about my reason (I’m lazy) and my excuse (I need reading glasses) for reading only one book.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS? My failings are definitely something I'm sure you don’t want to hear about on NYE.

MONEY? Tis about the same and I'm sure you don’t want to hear about my tax returns on NYE.

LIFE & DEATH? We’ve already covered that and I'm sure you don’t want to hear anymore about that on NYE.

WORK? It is fine and a mess simultaneously and I'm sure that is something you don’t want to hear about on NYE.

BOOZE & SEX? Nah!

Maybe the best I can do for my 2 or 3 readers is to just wish you well and quote Harry Morgan as Colonel Sherman Potter on M*A*S*H, “Here’s to the new year. May she be a damn sight better than the old one was.”

Happy New Year!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Tomorrow

2011-11-30T20:17:00.001-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 10
Tomorrow

Here we are again. Another month has passed and I have written nothing.

Unfortunately, this edition of Wayne’s Words is going to start out much the same as too many have over the past 12 months.

Someone close to me passed away earlier this month: an Uncle this time. I cannot believe the number of people close to me that have crossed over in the past year. It seems like every time I turn around or get a phone call… This has been a tough year on my friends and family.

Maybe as you read this, you will begin to realize how fleeting life is. I know we all say that we understand that concept, but I don’t know if we actually do. One day you can be talking to someone close to you and the next day…they are never coming back. You may have meant to see someone or give them a jingle and the next thing you know…they aren’t there anymore. We really need to cherish the people in our lives and treat them right and realize it could all be over tomorrow.

Tomorrow. That is an interesting word when talking about this subject. Tomorrow. It is not guaranteed. There is no way to promise tomorrow, is there? “I promise I will call you tomorrow.” How can we promise something that is so uncertain and mostly out of our control? Tomorrow may never happen. Tomorrow indeed does not happen for approximately 151,600 people each day on our planet. To those people crossing over it may or may not mean anything. What happens for them after they die is a completely different subject. The sadness and loss felt by those of us who are still here are what we can observe.

Let’s say each of us has a family and friends network of about 500 people (without technology - such as Facebook and twitter). That may sound like a lot, but this would include family (immediate and extended) co-workers, clients, people you talk to every day at the convenience store or coffee house, etc. That comes out to about 75,800,000 people on this planet that lose someone they care about each day. And that is about equal to the number of people living in California, Texas and Illinois combined! Crazy!

I’m really not trying to be a downer. What I am trying to say is that we should cherish each moment of not only our lives, but also the lives of those about whom we care. We don’t need to start saying “I’ll call you tomorrow – if we are both still alive.” That would just suck for everybody and it sounds like a line from a lame “buddy-cop” movie. I think it would be important that, as we make that promise, we just keep in the back of our mind the fact that tomorrow may never come. We shouldn’t start living like there are no tomorrows either. We should just realize how precious tomorrow actually is. We should continue to live for today and plan for tomorrow. Live with the thought and the hope and the joy of the coming tomorrow and treasure it when it arrives.

I know. “Duh, Wayne. Tomorrow NEVER comes for anybody. Today was yesterday’s tomorrow, but now it is today – it’s never tomorrow.” That is just a silly word game. When we are speaking of real life; the first part of the sentence is so true. Today IS yesterday’s tomorrow. I thank God I have it.

As we enjoy our holidays and the feasts and the presents and the gatherings and the parties and the camaraderie, pull those you love close and let them know just how special they are to you. Do it today.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS I made up a word this Thanksgiving. Its definition is: people in your life who are not blood relatives, but who are much closer than just mere friends. The word is FRAMILY. I made it up, not because I was being sappy, but because it is so much easier than saying “I am going to my friend’s folks house for Turkey Day. They are like family.”

“I’m going to spend the holiday with Framily,” is sooo much easier.

Adrift

2011-10-31T20:43:00.002-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 09
Adrift

A couple of weeks ago another person close to me passed away. This time I mourned the loss of the Father of one of my best lifelong friends.

Funerals are such strange events. There are so many tears and broken hearts and at the same time there are many smiles and lots of laughter.

As we cry about our loss, we also smile as we reflect upon the good times that were shared with our loved one.

Thoughts of our own mortality also rise to the surface with so many questions and so few answers. After a while, the internal Q&A seems to focus not on when or where we will die, but on the services. Will people remember me? Will anybody actually show up? Will they shed tears? Will they smile at memories? Will people remember me as a good person?

I know that I have had thoughts about all of this and I have had conversations with countless others who have pondered the same things. I am sure there are also people who don’t care and live their lives with no conscience or remorse about mistakes or guilt about people they may have hurt, as long as they had fun. Those are not the kind of people with whom I associate.

Then there is the dream. I’m not even sure if it is a dream…or was. Maybe it is a thought. Maybe it is a waking dream. It is one of those thoughts that are hiding behind things like a dream almost remembered. Understand my confusion? Anyway, it is something that rattles around in my brainpan.

I want to try to remember it. As I write this, it is Halloween Night and it seems like as good a time as any to try and rip this nagging beast from my subconscious. So, please indulge me.

I’m alone. Not lonely, but all alone. There is absolutely no one else. I remember being afloat. Not effortlessly like weightlessness, but more like floating and treading water. I know it takes some level of work.

In fact, I am in water. I’m in an immeasurable ocean and there is no land in sight in any direction. Every horizon I look toward is vast and distant. All horizons curve with the shape of the Earth and there is not a single dot of land anywhere.

It is not water now. It has turned. I cannot see beneath the surface. It is opaque. It is like I am adrift in a sea of black ink. It is like the color of crude oil, but the consistency of water.

The sun is overhead, but it is not at all hot. It only sheds light. In fact, as far as the temperature of the air and the liquid is concerned, I am quite content. I squint as I look into the sunlight reflecting blindingly off of the liquid’s surface and notice that there are indeed objects floating nearby. I try swimming toward the, but I make no progress. All I can do is tread “water” and stare at them.

Some time passes and I notice one of the objects has drifted within reach. I grab for it and pull it toward my body. I now have something to keep me afloat. It is unrecognizable. It is just an object. As I float with my arms flung across this…thing, I try kicking my way toward other pieces of who-knows-what, to no avail.

More time passes.

I see something in the distance. Not on the horizon, but still very far away. It is a boat. It looks familiar. It doesn’t look familiar because I know the difference between a trawler and a cuddy cabin. I don’t actually know anything about boats: I looked up those two aforementioned boat classifications. It doesn’t even look familiar, actually. It feels familiar. I scream and wave, but cannot be seen or heard. It is strange, because I can plainly hear laughter and other sounds of happiness over the distance, the sound of the motor and the sloshing of the “water.” Whoever is on the boat seems very happy and carefree.

More time passes and so do more distant boats. The boats are of different sizes. All with the familiarity and happiness of the first. All of the boats seem to have the same inability to see me adrift. More objects float closer to me. I pull them in. Though I cannot tell what these objects are at this point, they don’t seem to signify any material possessions. (If any of you have seen my “stuff” outside the dream, you know it is all a hodge-podge of used furniture and electronics.)

More time passes.

I am growing very weary. Though I have these objects to help keep me afloat, keeping my head above “water” is proving to be quite a task. The sun is in the same place that it has been the entire time. The boats that pass seem to just happily disappear over the horizon.

I am here.

Adrift in the black.

Alone.

I try sleeping. It doesn’t work. I just lose my hold on the objects around me and begin to sink in the black “waters.”

More time passes.

As I look down at the debris that floats around me, it all begins to take shape. What I have thought was flotsam and jetsam from a shipwreck turns out to not be that at all. They are all pieces of my past. There are letters I’ve written and received, drawings I’ve done, poetry I’ve scratched down and music I’ve loved. There are things I’ve made. Dinners I’ve cooked. There are items that always held a place in my heart: a quilt, a stuffed animal, photographs and so on.

Some more of the debris become distinguishable. It is not as pleasing to see. Before my eyes a heart, a brain and two other things that have no recognizable shape materialize. Though they have no real form, I know that they are a mind and a soul.

Then I look at that over which my arms are flung. It is a body. I look up the body and see the head. I don’t want to believe what it is. I am not sad or afraid. I just don’t want it to be what it is. How can it be what it is? The body is mine. The face belongs to me.

I am the flotsam and jetsam.

And the dream ends.

That is the freaky dream that was tucked away in the recesses of my mind. I couldn’t pull it all forward until I started typing this blog. I guess it is pretty fitting that I wrote this one on Halloween.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Ranger Smith

2011-09-17T21:20:00.000-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 08
Ranger Smith

Hello, again. Remember me?

Not much has been going on really: ups and downs, certainty and uncertainty, lost and found, black and white, yin and yang, salt and pepper. The usual: for me, anyway.

Today, I was with our Search and Rescue squad taking care of security for Las Cruces’ First Annual “Strut your Mutt” at Young Park. S. Y. M. was a paid, organized dog walk to raise money and awareness for Best Friends Charities, the Dona Ana County Humane Society and Spay/Neuter Action Program.

Our job was to make sure the perimeter was secure, help out with set up and what-not here and there: pretty much a walk in the park.

I drew the straw to get to drive out SAR Team Polaris Ranger 6-Wheeler so, I didn’t actually have to walk in the park. I generally do get to drive it and, for that, I am very thankful. As a side note: I must say, I REALLY like driving the Ranger. It is a good thing it is not actually mine, because you people might never hear from me again. I would be out in the wilderness ALL the time! Camping? Psha! I would just be out there driving the Ranger on any trail that was open to me.

Anyway, since I was the one on the mule, I did a lot of hauling of folks and their stuff for their different booths. No worries. Glad to help out. I also took out my garage P.A. system to be used for – you guessed it – Public Announcements.

At about 6:50 in the morning, we set up a perimeter as best we could with flagging tape, got everyone started with their booth set up and began our patrol. Just so you don’t think we are Nazis, the park was permitted for this purpose, there was a paid entry and if anyone was hurt it was on our watch. For all intents and purposes it was not a public park from 7 am until 1 pm.

Early on, we had a few people wander in and, when we told them about the function, they were gracious and went on their merry – outside of our perimeter. As they morning progressed, however, the story began to change.

I still cannot believe the way people act. These days there seems to be no respect for authority. Scratch that. There seems to be no respect, period. (Did I need to end that sentence with an actual period after saying the word period or was the word period…?) Anyway, here are some highlights:

I told one woman and her 4 children my nice spiel about the animal charity fundraiser and she looked at me and said, very nastily and rudely, “I know! We’ve heard it ten times!” In front of her small children she acted like this. I told her (not quite as nicely and a bit more loudly than I had been talking to her), “If you’ve heard it ten times, you should be gone then. Since you are not, his is time number 11 and now you have to leave.”

There were the two men who were about my dad’s age who were told, as they entered the park, that there was a gate up front. When they got there and found out that they had to pay, they decided that, if they walked the course backwards, it was free. I saw all of this unfold and drove the Ranger around to where they were. My nice spiel was given and they got crappy. Snottily stating their disbelief that the park was our and that they were just passing through. (Where we were was not a “just passing through” point.) I told them a bit more firmly, that indeed the park was permitted to us and that they need to leave. He continued to hatefully state his disbelief. I told him again that it was true and (quite sarcastically) that he could be in the part of the park that was not roped off. “See all those brightly colored boundaries that make it look like people are to stay out? Well, you can be anywhere on the OTHER side of that.”

There was the lady and, I suppose, her very young granddaughter. Nice spiel with the added, “If your little girl was to get hurt…my responsibility…blah, blah, blah.” Actually, I was VERY nice to this lady and she responded. “Well, if you’re going to be like that… I will just leave.” I told her I wasn’t being like anything and, as I repeated my spiel with the injury addendum, her little girl nearly fell in the lake! Two times! The “lady,” giving me the stink eye, continued, “I was just up at the booths and I donated money!!” I told her I understood, but, without an orange wristband, she had to leave or go acquire one. At this point, the little girl nearly fell in the lake again! Ignoring her little girl, the “lady” continued, “I know and we feed the feral cats at my trailer and this is ridiculous!” I told her that I had no way of knowing whom she knows or what she does at her trailer. I told her I was not clairvoyant, but I did know that she had to leave.

Those are just a few instances. There was some incident with perceived “gang-bangers,” but I believe I was eating a Caliche’s hot dog at that time and was not involved. Maybe someone can share that experience in the comments section.

Let’s face it, I am just Wayne. I don’t really command much respect or authority. I’m not muscle-bound; I’m far from tough looking. In fact, unless I am making someone laugh with bawdy, self-deprecating humor: I am generally invisible. Today, however, I was dressed appropriately & driving an official vehicle inside a cordoned off area. I even wore my binoculars to look a bit more official (LOL). My fellow SAR Team members joked that I looked like “Ranger Rick” (though I prefer Ranger Smith from Jellystone National Park). I would have thought that we would have no issues. Especially since it was an animal charity – who doesn’t love and respect animal charities? I was wrong – again.

Many people just don’t care.

Many people just don’t respect.

And there seems to be more uncaring and disrespectful people than there used to be. The troubling thing was that most of the problems came from people who were 30 years old or better.

I don’t know about people any more.

I guess I really never did.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS I would like to mention the nice, neck tattooed, young man and his wife (I’m always hoping for the best) who came to snag a table for their son’s birthday party later in the day. Spiel was given. They were gracious. They even had a pit-bull with them and hated the fact that people blame the breed for bad things. They also decided to participate, but discovered that they only had five bucks left until payday. They gladly went and grabbed a table outside the boundary. As we were closing up, he offered to help take down the flagging tape. He wanted some of it to hang party decorations. Then he gave us the aforementioned five dollars and asked that we give it to the cause. Beautiful.

Maybe there is hope.

Hot!

2011-08-24T17:38:00.002-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 07
Hot!

So, here I am again.

Blank screen.

Blank mind.

I wonder why I cannot think of things about which to write. Maybe it is the damned heat.

I generally don’t complain about the weather, because (generally) it changes. I also don’t want to be one of THOSE people who complain about the heat all summer and about the cold all winter. But, dammit, it has been hot.

This summer seems to show no real signs of slowing down. Even when you throw in the much needed, late summer rains we started to receive after nearly 100 days of absolutely NO moisture; it just does not seem to be getting any cooler! Ugh.

Although I work in advertising, I don’t sit in a big, fancy, air-conditioned office looking at storyboards and pitching slogans all day. That’s the “big time.” I am in advertising, but it’s the “small time.” I am driving around all day visiting clients: taking pictures of their vehicle inventories (which are sitting in the sun), hanging out in their non-air-conditioned garages or workshops, etc. Riding around in my air-conditioned car is nice, but every time I get in and start it up (which is around 60 times a day) the interior has already heated back up to half a billion degrees.

You might think that my house might be some refuge, but it is a hot box! I am thinking about contracting my place out with the federal prisons to put the really bad criminals in here for 24 hours. It will sweat the mean right out of them! The ancient refrigerated air –conditioner on this joint doesn’t seem to do much good. There is a vent in the biggest room in the house that doesn’t blow. That keeps the main living area from cooling down, so at the end of the month all I have is sweat stains on the couch and a $300 electric bill. Both disgust me.

The Boy has gone back to Wisconsin, so I have reinstated my own method of keeping myself cool around the house. When I get home from work, I just strip off all my clothes and sit perfectly still. Remember “ugly, naked guy” from “Friends?” That’s me! Unlike the never-seen-sit-com character, however, I keep my curtains closed. I do that so that the sun doesn’t heat the place up during the day and so that I don’t offend any neighbors who are unfortunate enough to have a window facing my place. Let’s be honest: I care less about offending them than I do about becoming fodder for their jokes and ridicule. If they do happen to catch a glimpse – at least it is WARM in the house and not cold…

So it’s hot. Big deal. I make adjustments. We make adjustments. ‘Tis kind of like life: sometimes it seems unbearable, but (in all actuality) it’s not. It is just somewhat uncomfortable. Adjust. Deal with it. Go about your business. Hope for a change in the weather.

That’s all I have for now. Plus, I have to dry off my keyboard, because even my fingertips are sweating all over the place.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Out of Reach

2011-07-31T09:39:00.000-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 06
Out of Reach

Every time I sit down to “blog,” the computer screen is just so blank. It glows and waits for me to electronically spread across it ink that is filled with wisdom or wit. Then a cat hair that seems to be stuck between the T and Y keys of my keyboard distracts me. I am finally able to extract it and look back to the screen. It is still blank – except for a hundred T’s and Y’s that are the result of me retrieving said cat hair. I delete the gibberish and the blank stares at me again. My mind feels just as blank as the screen.

My son is asleep in the other room. Before he arrived for the summer, I hadn’t seen him in a year. I must say (of course), “My, how he has grown.” He is 14 and he is sure he is right about everything. I suppose that is the age. All in all, he is a good kid. He is extraordinarily intelligent, super creative, hysterically funny, very attractive… and he realizes none of these things. It is as if he doesn’t want to be ANY of these things. He sets out to prove to the people around him that he is not any of these things.

I try to advise him. I try to guide him. I try to compliment him. I try to encourage him. It is all met with resistance. We had an argument the other night about school. It wasn’t a big knock down drag out; it was just a normal argument. When it was over I told him, “Son, I will always correct you and I will always advise you. I do it because I am your Father and I love you.” Of course, that was met with a groaning sound that only teenage boys can produce. I continued, “Son. You will always hate it until the day you realize that I was right and then you will be glad I was here.”

I know this boy is capable of great things. I don’t know what else to do to help him realize that. I love him so much. I wonder if I have been too permissive over the course of his childhood. I wonder if I have been too strict. Have I been too honest with him about things? Have I not been honest enough? I worry that my expectations pressure him too much. I wonder if I have not given him enough indication of my expectations. Should I even have expectations? Should I just let it all unfold and let him figure it out as life passes him by?

All I know is that I love him and believe in him with all of my heart.

I just wish I could reach him.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Mid-Mo

2011-06-09T17:56:00.001-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 05
Mid-Mo

OK. So I officially missed a May installment of this blog. So, sue me. I guess I will just have to do two this month. Yikes! That seems like a lot of work.

I guess May’s edition did not happen because I was actually having fun. Yes, you heard me: I was having fun.

I treated Hillbilly Mom to what seems to have been a good Mother’s Day.
Hillbilly Mom went on a 10 day trip to Mount Rushmore. (That was fun for me, because she was having fun.)
I got to spend an awesome 3 day weekend with the most wonderful woman ever!
I went out on a couple of Search & Rescue Trainings and at least one dramatic and successful SAR Mission.
I was invited to spend time with old friends in El Paso and enjoyed good company, food and beverage.

All in all it was a good month. Finally, it was a break from the, seemingly endless, consecutive months of bad news. Then June hit. Ugh.

June started with a call concerning my Paternal Grandma. She’d had a stroke. It wasn’t looking good. As the hours went by, I decided (with the encouragement of my girlfriend) that I had better get up there. Flying was out of the financial question. It would have been more than $1,000 when all was said and done (including rental car and gas and such).

So, Thursday afternoon I dropped my paperwork on my desk; stopped by mi casa; packed a bag; and hit the highway. After driving the rest of the day and through the night, arguing with my GPS, dealing with some strange liquid falling from the sky (someone said it was called rain) and fighting off the chokehold of fatigue, I arrived in Mid-Missouri.

I am still not totally positive that Grandma knew I was there. It seemed like she did, but I am not sure how much memory she will retain. I hope she remembers. It was very good to see the family again - especially Dad. It is funny. All of those people look exactly the same to me as they have my entire life. Even Grandma in her hospital bed just looked like Grandma to me.

Dad and I were able to spend some good time together. We would stop by the hospital and spend time with Grandma and then do errands that had been put on hold, pick up an Aunt that needed a ride from Booneville, go back to the house and get Granddad to cart him over to see Grandma, etc. It was nice to get to hang with Dad – even though the circumstances were not the best.

These things often become family reunion-ish and I was able to see quite a few of my Aunts and Uncles. We actually spent more time laughing than we did crying. Funny things were said, silly stories about Grandma and Granddad were told, etc. I even forgot how silly Missouri is when it comes to signs and names of things: Kum & Go (a convenience store), Dick’s Liquors, Hookers Restaurant, The Testicle Festival (an actual event), etc.

I left early Sunday and headed back to the great Southwest and, after maneuvering through many detours (some by the highway department – some my own ;), I made it home and got back to my office about the same time of day I had left four days earlier. I think I drove close to 40 hours in those 4 days – that’s like a whole work week.

After a couple days of rest I received word that a close “friend” of mine is making some horrible life decisions and seems to be going down the wrong path. Oy Vey! Will it never stop? I will do my best to advise and help that “friend,” but so much is dependent upon the decision to live a great life and to do great things… that is something I can only suggest and hope that my “friend” makes the appropriate changes.

I hope so.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Perfection

2011-04-21T20:13:00.005-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS

Volume 5 Number 04
Perfection

I have been seeking it for about three years now. Searching for it started out as a lark. It was just something to do – a challenge. I have tried utilizing the help of others, but have found that the quest seemed more rewarding on my own. It takes time. It takes study. It takes concentration. It takes solitude.

As I have searched, I have come close, but never getting exactly the right one. The one that makes me smile. Hell, even laugh: happy to be alive. Alas, I have achieved it. I have found it. I deserve it for all my years of trying. Finally, I have perfection.

This shirt is perfection and I will tell you why.

A few years ago Kohl’s Department Store started sending me $10.00 gift cards in the mail. I am sure you have seen them. It is a card that is valid for $10.00 off of any purchase at Kohl’s. These cards can be used on ANYTHING in the store: regular priced, sale priced and even clearance priced items. As far as Kohl’s is concerned, it is $10.00 cash. Just so you know, these aren’t “Kohl’s Cash” cards that I received for spending more than a certain amount. These were just sent to me in the mail. I am sure many of you have received them.

When I first started getting them, I would skip down to Kohl’s and pick up a pair of jeans or something for The Boy, get ten bucks off and “tra-la-la” on my merry way. I was pleased as punch for saving ten bucks.

Then the cards began arriving in the mail every two to three weeks and friends and family began giving me theirs, since they weren’t going to use them. After the boy was stocked up on clothes, I figured, “why not treat myself?” So, I started shopping for things that I needed.

Now, when it comes to my own needs, I am not lavish. I buy from clearance racks and do quite well. So, I found a pair of pants or something clearance priced at $25.56, whipped out my card and made my purchase. With the total being only $15.56 (plus tax) Out Of Pocket, I felt like I had won. Ah, but the game was barely beginning.

As I drove home with my $16.00 (approximately) pair of dress pants or whatever, I started wondering how close I could come to a purchase that was exactly $10.00 including tax. I decided that I would try and achieve that very goal. The Perfect Purchase! Since it had now turned into a game, I figured I should make some rules.

I had to buy things that I needed or liked - no skinny jeans, male thongs, sandals, chilled salad spinners, laser guided scissors, etc.
No fudging on clothing size just to achieve the goal – squeezing into a pair of size 11 shoes would be cheating. I actually wear size 12. ;)
When I received a card, I HAD to use it. If I was not going to be able to achieve the goal before the card expired, I could NOT just toss it. That is like throwing away cash! A purchase had to be made.
A multiple item purchase was allowed – a $4.00 pair of underoos and $6.00 T-Shirt… well you do the math. The goal WOULD be achieved.

As I said, I have come very close to the goal, but not quite achieving it. In the mean time I have gotten some incredible buys! Really!

I have acquired many dress shirts for work, each for less than $10.00 Out Of Pocket. The latest being a nice shirt AND tie combo for $4.38 O.O.P.

I have purchased jeans for myself for $8.56 O.O.P. Oh yeah, I even got a pair of Levi’s 501s for $1.07 O.O.P!

I went in one Saturday, not realizing it was “back-to-school-tax-free-weekend,” and walked out with a pair of black, wing-tipped, dress shoes for $1.00 O.O.P! ONE DOLLAR!!!

I have been able to get many casual shirts and fun T-shirts for dirt cheap, usually arriving home with a couple at a time for less than $10.00 O.O.P.

Hell, I even started wearing the underpants style, manufacturer and material I now sport because I grabbed 4 or 5 pair off the clearance rack and paid less than $12.00 O.O.P. I now have 12 pair total and sill have NEVER paid even Kohl’s full price for them.

Once I had two cards that were going to expire at the end of the business day, so I needed a second buyer. The store’s rule is that only one card can be used at a time and, in my experience, the managers get a bit steamed if you go to your car and come back in for another purchase with a card.

Anyway, I decided I was going to get The Boy and me each a “Callahan Auto Parts” T-Shirt (from the movie Tommy Boy) – they were on sale for $9.99. I picked up Hillbilly-Mom and told her she could be my shopping accomplice on this run. We each went in, grabbed a T-Shirt and got in line. When I handed the kid at the register my $10.00 card, he told me that the purchase had to be OVER $10.00! Sonovabitch! He may have been lying to me, but I was NOT going to lose!

Everything in the store was more than $10.00 that day (except these T-shirts – and I wanted THESE T-shirts! Hillbilly-Mom and I searched the store and could not find anything priced low enough to keep the game interesting. At one point (in the store) I actually shouted, desperately, “KOHL’S WILL NOT BEAT ME!”

Then I saw the clearance bin in house wares. Red cloth napkins on clearance for 86 cents each. We dug until we found two – one for each of our purchases. Then I remembered the rule – and a set of TWO napkins is not useful. I had to have AT LEAST four! After more digging, we finally found two more! This time I shouted triumphantly, “KOHL’S CANNOT BEAT ME!” Two shirts and four red cloth napkins – less than five bucks O.O.P.

Fast-forward to my most recent $10.00 Kohl’s card shopping trip. I went into Kohl’s (duh), armed with my card and ready to do some damage. I looked. I searched. I sought. I circled the store several times on my quest. Each time I passed the clearance rack, the blue shirt (pictured above) beckoned to me. I refused it several times. I was just about to give up and get a couple of novelty T-shirts, when I decided to go have a gander at that blue clearance shirt that continued to haunt me.

I went up to it slowly. I looked at the tag from a few feet away and could read that it was my size. As I got closer, I realized that I did like the color, pattern and cut. Although it was a Van’s hipster shirt, it was reminiscent of a couple of things in my life: my country & western roots and my love of rock-a-billy music. As I looked at it longer, I realized that I really liked it.

Then came time to check the price tag.

Clearance Price……….$10.00!

Angels dropped from the ceiling playing songs by the Stray Cats on their harps!

A single tear fell from my right eye.

Could this be?

The angels’ rock-a-billy music stopped abruptly.

No. I don’t think so.

After the Callahan Auto Parts fiasco, I had pretty much given up on the quest for perfection. You see, I previously figured that if I could find something for $9.30, with the tax added on, it would come to an even $10.00…perfection. The jerk on the Callahan trip ruined that idea.

I figured this was as close as I could get to what I thought was perfection so, I went up to the register with the $10.00 shirt, my $10.00 card and a one dollar bill (for the tax).

The girl at the register scanned the shirt: “$10.00.”

She scanned my card: “-$10.00.”

The register showed “Total Sale $0.00,”

Then my brain remembered math at the same time the register displayed the sales tax. 7.5625% of zero is… ZERO!

“Here you go, sir. Thanks for shopping at Kohl’s”

I barely heard that last part over my own laughter.

Perfection had been achieved!!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

SYSTEM OVERLOAD!

2011-03-31T20:18:00.000-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 03
SYSTEM OVERLOAD!

As I write this installment of (what has now become) my monthly blog, it is the 31^st of March. Dammit, I gotta hurry before I miss getting one in THIS month.

For any of you who are counting, I have now had someone fairly close to me die in each of the past 5 months: my boss in November, a cousin in December, a former co-worker in January, a client in February and my “Mexican Gramma” Emma in March. I am almost afraid for another damned month to start.

I have written about holding your loved ones close, about keeping or getting in touch with friends and family, about not passing up the offer for time spent, etc. To tell you the truth, I am all out “spawned-by-recent-deaths” wisdom. I think I may have used it all up. My Wisdom Insight Central Processing Unit needs time to recharge. SYSTEM OVERLOAD!

I have been following my own advice though:

A couple months ago my Mom, Emma and Jo Lynn (her daughter) invited me along for dinner. I was tired and passed up the invitation. However, on my way to the house I decided I was being stupid. I showed up at the restaurant and we all had a grand time. I think that was the last time I hung out with Emma before she was in the hospital. I’m glad I did.
I took a FEMA test that was required of me by the state to be in Search & Rescue that I should have taken years ago. No more procrastinating (except, obviously, for my blog).
A couple of weeks ago, I watched a favorite movie with someone very dear to me. Granted, she lives a thousand miles away, but we turned it to the same channel and talked and laughed during the whole thing. Much like the scene in When Harry Met Sally, when they were watching Casablanca, “Channel Please.” Twas almost like we were sitting right next to each other. Almost.
I called my buddy today, because I heard a Loverboy song on the radio. I only called him to remind him of an old adage - any time you here a Loverboy song on the radio, it’s gonna be a good day. I don’t know who said that, but he must have been VERY wise. ;)
Yesterday, I went for my annual physical (that I have only had every couple of years since I turned 40). Spent nearly an hour with the doc. I had him run just about every test on me that he could. I will get the results on April 6^th. I may or may not let you know what the outcome is.
I have continued to keep up with my biweekly chiropractic appointments (he is installing a spine) and also biannual dental check ups. =D
I will be getting the aging peepers check within the next 10 days. After 44 years of better than perfect vision, I’m beginning to look like a trombone player when I’m reading.
I also take plenty of downtime for just “me.” Time to relax or sing in the garage or go for a drive or read or watch some tube. It is important that you have that time to yourself. It keeps you from going absolutely bonkers.

Anyway, these instances are in no way a “hey look at me and how cool I am.” They are just examples to illustrate to you that I am following my own advice. I am trying to practice what I preach. I know there are a couple of things that I need to stop doing and a couple of things that I need to start doing, but, all in all, I am trying to treat my blog as Brad Hamilton told Jeff Spicoli (and surf friends) to treat the “no shirt, no shoes, no dice” sign in the window of All-American Burger. “Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.”

Take care of the people you love and most of all, “take care of you.”

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Again, sorry this is so short, but I am wiped out and it feels like the water behind my eardrum is returning. Sonovabi…

Content As A Cow

2011-02-28T20:06:00.003-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 02
Content As A Cow

Here we are, at the end of another month. I did not believe it when my Dad told me, and my Son does not believe when I tell him: time ticks by MUCH faster as you get older.

I turned the ripe old age of 44 this month. I guess, from what they tell me, I am now middle-aged. I hate that, because it kind of (by definition of the word) puts an expiration date on me.

This first month of my 45^th year (I think that is the way the math works) has been an odd one.

It started with the coldest 3-day winter the great southwest has seen in recorded history (as far as I’m concerned).
I was given birthday gifts, meals, drinks and such from friends and family. All of which made me feel quite special, but just having their friendship is gift enough. No, that does NOT excuse future gift giving – I still like presents!
I lost another person in my life. This time a client passed away. She was a dear woman with whom I would often chat about the town of Petersburg, Illinois. That’s where my folks are from, basically.
I reconnected (again) with someone from my past for whom I care very deeply.
My Son had two giant, perpetually infected tonsils removed, which evidently made his voice drop another 2 octaves.
I received a refund from the stupid government. Twas enough heat to throw at my small, but seemingly unmeltable (I know it is not a word, but it works) debt snowball. Be patient, Wayne. Be patient.

I really don’t have anything comical to write about or any little nuggets of wisdom or any poetic platitudes to impart in this edition of Wayne’s Words. I’m 44. That is about it.

As a young version of myself imagined his future, where I am is nowhere near where he thought he would be at the age of 44. To quote Mike Damone (Fast Times at Ridgemont High): “I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.”

For me, that quote is more than half in jest. I would say it is actually about 83% jest. Though I am not where I thought I would be, I don’t hate where I am. Sure, on occasion I get a bit melancholy, but that is just the nature of my internal wiring. Really, where I am is ok by me for now.

I am not rich; but I make decent money and can pay my bills. Even if I sometimes have to go on my $10 a day financial diet.
I’m divorced and have no romantic relationship; but I can do what I want – even walk around the house naked.
My incredible Son lives 1400 miles away; but he is safe, in a good home, in a good community and in a good school. The best and hardest decision I ever made was to allow him to move to Wisconsin.
I don’t have a fancy car; but what I have is fun, clean and gets me to where I am going.
I live in a little townhouse that hasn’t really been updated nor repaired since it was built, in the 1970s; but it shelters me and is actually “home.”
I’m not the guy with the bowflex body; but I’m not fat. Actually, as scrawny as I look, I do have a little bit of a beer belly thoughI rarely drink beer anymore. I may even have a muscle or two, but they only show themselves when really needed.
I’m not the cover-of-magazine-handsome, but I am not the most hideous man around.
I am not a pillar of the community, but I do what I can by volunteering with Mesilla Valley Search and Rescue.

I guess I could go on and on with this list, but I will stop. I guess I am just trying to say that, for now, I am content.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

The only thing I am not really that happy with is this edition of my blog! Does this one blow or what?

Time Flies And Then It Is Gone

2011-01-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 01
Time Flies And Then It Is Gone

A Month has already passed and one-twelfth of the year is gone! Wow! The time just flies. I hope this coming month is brighter than the past few.

In November, my friend/boss passed to the great beyond. In December, one of my cousins left the world. In January, a friend/co-worker from long ago answered God’s call. And, just yesterday, our Search and Rescue team went to the Gila Wilderness on a body Search and Recovery mission. My team was the group that found him; in fact I was first on scene. Not because I am especially good, I just happened to be the front guy on my squad running up the hill with the helicopter pilot.

There are other people (once or twice removed from me through friends) who have passed recently, but the aforementioned folks were all closely connected to me. (The man in the Gila was because I was on the discovery team.) The grim reaper has just been putting in some overtime close to me.

Just keep in mind that there may not be a tomorrow – for you or someone you love. I don’t mean to sound fatalistic; we just seem to forget that. As I may have mentioned before, I am not the type of person who says “live every day like it is your last day on Earth.” If we did that nothing would get done. There would just be a lot of debauchery happening. Oh. Wait. For a lot of people that IS the way they live. For the rest of us, we still have things to do.

However, maybe we should all try a little less procrastination when it comes to telling those close to us that we love them and how much they mean to us. Maybe you don’t have time to go on a trip with your friend – how about a dinner instead. If there is no time for dinner: maybe a cup of coffee. If there is not even enough time for that, then maybe you could just have a nice visit on the phone – voice, NOT text! I think you get the point. We all need that contact with the people we love. A phone call about something silly can tell someone you care as much as a whole Christmas holiday can.

We should also work at comforting and liking ourselves. I have gotten very good at that. I have really learned to like myself – hell, I love myself. Get your minds out of the gutter! (OK maybe not totally out of the gutter.) I have spent the last couple of years getting reacquainted with me and I found out that I am a helluva guy. In addition, I have been making great strides in bettering my life. I have not made all the changes I want to all at once and some are slower transmogrifications than others, but I am doing it.

The way I see it, how can the people I love value my feelings for them if I place a low price on the way I feel about myself? Now, I am not talking about becoming someone I’m not, nor will I turn into one of those guys who think that they are God’s gift. We have all met those guys and they are just dicks. It is good to be yourself unless you are one of those. They are the people who need to actually change.

Anyway, after you read this, maybe you will call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Maybe you will make some time for coffee or dinner with a buddy. Hell, maybe a trip with friends is possible. All these things are good for both you and them. And if someone should pass away, maybe you will be able to say “I just had coffee with him the other day and we laughed and laughed.” Instead of “He wanted to hang out last week, but I just didn’t have the time.”

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Final Thoughts (What am I? Jerry Springer?)

2010-12-31T12:33:00.008-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 13
Final Thoughts (What am I? Jerry Springer?)

Again, it has been a long time since I sat here. I don’t think it is really having much of an adverse affect on any one of my loyal reader, but I do like to sit here and ramble on occasion.

Since the last time I wrote we did, in fact, lose the dear friend. Ever since, I (along with others who were close to him) have been quite aloof. We have kind of been just going through the motions. With each passing day it does get better, however. We will always miss him and will forever remember him.

We have had the holidays. Unfortunately, The Boy couldn’t make it down to New Mexico from Wisconsin for his Christmas break due to a flat tire on his plane. I know – that sounds strange, but it did have a cascading effect that made it unable for him to make it here. All in all, I’m sure he still had a good Christmas. I do miss him dearly every day.

Just so you know, I haven’t been completely ignoring this blog thing. As I come up with a random thought, I punch it into my Crunch Berry in hopes of expanding on it or at least using it. So, for my final thoughts of the year, I will just give you those snippets I have saved since the last blog. If nothing else, I will be able to say that I did a new blog.

I think Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was supposed to be a Meatloaf song. At least it has always sounded quite Meatloafy to me.

How come when I am watching an NFL game & they show each player’s head stating their name and alma mater, I can never understand them? They seem unhappy or at least put out for having to do it. If I was making a trillion dollars for playing football I would be excited! WAYNE SINCLAIR! QUARTERBACK! NEW MEXICO STATE UNIVERSITY! WOO HOO!

I do miss Jazz in my life.

My grammar, syntax and vocabulary are not the best, but why does everyone seem to want to speak like they are from the ghetto? Why is it cool to sound like you are from a crime-ridden, poverty-stricken place that most people (who actually live there) would love to rise above?

I am convinced that, culturally, we really are in a mean season and I just cannot wait for it to change.

Are more people driving like idiots or are there just more drivers - or both?

If we both miss each other and tell each other so, how come we can't even talk anymore?

Watching people dance to Country & Western music still amazes me. I could never do that. My partner would go deaf from me counting in her ear. 1, 2, 3. 1, 2, 3. Turn, 2, 3.

I don't like them, but I have been secretly rooting for the Dallas Cowboys ever since they fired their head coach.

A Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich is a great late night snack. 'Tis only made better with a tall, cold glass of milk. Never add Vinegar & Salt Potato Chips to the mix though. You will wake up in the middle of the night - puking your guts out.

I saw a man pay $7.80 in nickels, dimes and pennies to put gas in his Cadillac CTS.

I pulled into a parking space at a restaurant & I noticed the vehicle next to me had a very low tire. I put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "your front passenger tire is quite low. Be safe. Merry Christmas." I hope I didn't offend them with the "Merry Christmas" part.

Sometimes you feel like you don't fit in your old friends' lives anymore & it feels like there is a wedge between.

If you want to see something very odd, go to Wal-Mart on Christmas day. You get to actually see it deserted. The empty parking lot is almost spooky. I keep expecting to see zombies. Oh, wait! The Zombies are there on normal days.

I'm going to have to get glasses. Reading material is really starting to blur. I guess what they used to tell me was true. Certain activities WILL make you go blind.

My Son may actually be right. I probably am Alan Harper from Two and a Half Men.

I hope that each and every one of us has a great 2011. To my friends that read this blog, you are all very special to me & I hope that you will always be a part of my life. To quote The Waterboy: “Thank you all so much for being my friends.”

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Words of a Friend

2010-11-03T20:25:00.001-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 12
Words of a Friend

As I said in my last blog, I have a dear friend who is going through the most difficult health issue one could ever face – and that is putting it mildly. I have found it somewhat difficult to think of something as trivial as my silly little blog lately. It doesn’t mean much and right now it is so far down on the list of priorities that it is nearly non-existent.

Instead of writing about some nonsense as I usually do, I would like to share some words with you that come from one of my best friends. He has been a source of great strength and help to the family of our dear friend and has also kept our entire circle of friends strong through this hard time.

I always suspected that he had feelings like these inside, but he is not the kind of person who normally vocalizes (or writes) them. He needed to submit something for this week’s Rotary newsletter (he is the President of his club) and anything I would try to write in this blog today would pale in comparison. This is what he wrote:

I apologize for my recent absence; I have been attending an ongoing personal matter. While dealing with this matter, it has really made me think about a few things, some little and some big, but in general - just about things. All the differences we each make and what is important to us. The one thing I thought about a lot is friendship and what a different meaning it has for each of us.

What is friendship? What is the meaning of a relationship? We have often sought answers to these questions, yet we have never come up with an adequate answer. This is because every relationship is an amalgamation of beautiful and complex feelings, which may not often be described in words. Defining a relationship is never easy, as there are so many facets to it. However, we don't need a bunch of words to make us realize the deep meaning of friendship.

According to George Elliot, "Friendship is the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words.” This heartwarming expression captures the essence of friendship. When two people share a strong bond of mutual understanding, respect and love, it lays the foundation stone for an everlasting friendship. This bond just gets stronger with time; the trust between the two people grows and so does the attachment. This is the beauty of the relationship and is the essential meaning of friendship.

Being friends means being there for each other at all times, whether it's good or bad. A friend needs to be very understanding and give each other the benefit of the doubt. Ideally, the meaning of friendship is sharing unconditional love for each other. However, this is not an ideal world; therefore, some form of expectations is allowed, but that has a limit too. The purpose and meaning of friendship is to make life's burdens lighter for our friends and not make them heavier. The Roman thinker Cicero said, "Friendship makes prosperity brighter, while it lightens adversity by sharing its griefs and anxieties.”

Searching for the meaning of friendship has always been a burning question. However, as soon as we meet our friends, all these questions get answered automatically. The answer to what is the meaning of friendship lies within our hearts, because true friendship can only be felt, and not expressed. Something so pure and essential is not always visible to the eye, but is always felt by the heart.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

More Broken

2010-10-15T16:45:00.000-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 11
More Broken

Dammit! I guess when it rains, it really does pour. It’s like the world is crumbling around me. We all know the country is going to hell in a hand basket, as per usual. I have a dear friend who is going through the most difficult health issue one could ever face. I am still waiting on that damned motor/impeller assembly for the freakin’ dishwasher. AND now my stupid car is starting to fall apart.

I really can do nothing to help the country except vote, keep my part of the economy running and continue to my volunteer services with Search and Rescue.

As for my friend: unfortunately, all I can do is give him my support, love and prayers. I am not a doctor. I am a sales person/bawdy comedian/regular guy tryin’ to get by. Daily I send prayers and good vibes his way trying to telepathically give him the strength and will to make it through his medical ordeal. I love you, man.

So, I will address that which I actually do have some control over; my muther*%$^#@’ car! Say that last part out loud like Samuel L. Jackson and you will understand how I feel…really.

I used to have a 2000 Dodge Durango which I really loved. It was perfect for me and the cup holder was even big enough to hold my 64 ounce soda. MMMMMMM soda. The bad part about having that vehicle as my daily driver is that it had Dodge’s Magnum V8 engine in it and it drank gas like a pirate on shore leave in the Caribbean drinks rum. Problem with that is that I drive all day for a living and when gas started to creep up to four bucks per gallon, I was really starting to feel it. So, I traded the Durango in for an economical 2005 Suzuki Aerio SX which my son (not very lovingly) refers to as the soda can.

When I got the Suzuki (in 2006?), it was nice, inexpensive and barely a year old with 15,000 miles on it. Perfect. It even still had the rest of the 30K B2B warranty left and it was totally transferrable.

I drove it for a few months and it quickly started to creep up toward the 30K odometer mark of the B2B warranty. Then something broke! Warranty! Woo Hoo! The power window mechanism or switch on the front passenger side. “No, I don’t want to know how much it costs just repair it.” I should have asked. Then I would have known the hell to come.

Shortly after the 30K warranty ran out so did the cruise control. Crap! No warranty. Boo. Hiss. I grew up driving cars without cruise control - I figured I could do without it for a while. Plus, I figured I would fix it at some point since it wasn’t the whole unit that was broken, it was just the actuator.

Then toward the tail end of summer the A/C stopped working. Remember, I live in my car for most of the day and I wear a shirt and tie (and pants) because my job is one in which I need to at least look like I am a professional. Sweating all day until real fall weather arrives is not an option.

I asked a mechanic acquaintance to look at it and was told it was some damned switch on the liquid line. He said I could go get one and put it in myself. Cool.

Not Cool. If it was a Chevy or a Ford or something (like he was used to working on) you could take it off yourself, but on the Suzuki you have to drain all of the refrigerant out because the switch is under pressure. Luckily, I figured this out before Vic or I made that last turn of the wrench that probably would have ended up blowing up in our faces and blinding us or something. Come to find out (after paying to have the switch replaced), it wasn’t the switch after all – it was the compressor. F!

Now that part is on order and we sit and wait. While I was driving the car today with the windows down (because I have no A/C) the battery crapped out. Thank God IT was under full replacement warranty. This brings me to why I should have asked how much the window part cost. Had I asked, I would have had known the outrageous price of parts for the damned soda can.

The cruise control actuator? $300!
A whole cruise control unit? (actuators alone are actually hard to get) $660+!
The in-line A/C switch? $100!
The compressor? $400+!

These are only parts prices and all but the switch are at mechanic’s discount! None of these prices include the labor for replacing the parts! The whole damned car doesn’t book out for the total of these few parts! When my Mom takes her cans to the recycler she actually handles more metal than is contained in the entire make up of this car! It is a mop bucket with seats! How can the parts cost this damned much? AND all of the parts have to be ordered! None of them are stocked anywhere. You have to get them from the dealer and even the dealer has to order them. I am used to car parts that you walk into a car parts store and you say I need that and this and they go to the shelf and grab it for you and you give them your $20 for a giant hunk of iron or other metal and you go about your merry way and put it in yourself with the help of a friend and a six pack of beer!

I really think that Suzuki has some Secret Sect of Monks slowly make the parts by hand specific to the V.I.N. when (AND ONLY WHEN) the part is actually ordered. I think that these Monks start on each “as needed” part with the mining process. They actually go into a mine and dig a bucket of rock out and smelt it down to the 3 maybe 4 ounces of metal that end up in each part, then start machining from there. Hell, I bet they make the plastic from scratch too! And braiding wire by hand then coating it takes time. They are probably not Monks anyway. If they were, all of the parts would be blessed. I just didn’t want to think about small children from a 3^rd world country stuck in a sweatshop making parts for my stupid car.

I even thought about trading in the Suzuki, but (if you remember) when I got rid of the Durango, gas was approaching $4.00 per gallon! So, I got exactly 25 cents trade in allowance for the Dodge. I am still upside down in this stupid little car which is actually a great car unless something breaks then…cha-ching!

Actually, I like the car fine I am just very pissed at it right now.

If you want to really hear me bitch, ask me how my stupid American Made back feels after being out of commission for nearly a whole week because stupid Lumbar 5 decided he didn’t want to hang out with the others fellas!

Take care of yourself!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Broken

2010-09-22T19:51:00.002-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 10
Broken

It was a Wednesday Morning like any other…at first. I awoke to my alarm and dragged my happy ass to the bathroom. I then began my morning hygiene ritual. On the surface that too seemed routine.

Alas, during my same ol’ same ol’ – I was mentally preparing for a fight. In my mind, I was drinking raw eggs from a glass, tenderizing sides of beef with my fists, running up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art and prepping to get into the ring.

On this particular Wednesday morning at 7:02 I took off my robe, put in my mouthpiece and stepped into the square circle. I was facing off against Frigidaire Customer Service via telephone.

Why?

My dishwasher, which I bought in late 2008, was broken. (Much like anything that was in my life during that time period.) GRRR! It wasn’t squirting water through the jets and 2 years old is WAY too young to be having prostate problems! I researched and isolated the problem: the impeller was not spinning. The motor was doing its thing, but the impeller just sat there and, thus, so did the water.

I called a service tech and he came out to look at the piece of sh!t. When he arrived, he turned on the FDB1050REB4 and… the damned thing did what it was supposed to! What the hell?!?! He then poured some muriatic acid in it to clean out any deposits, turned it on again and… again the stupid thing worked correctly! What the double hell?!?!

I wrote the technician a $98.66 check for the 17 minutes of “work” he did and he left. That amounts to almost $350.00 an hour!!! I could have gotten a Vegas Hooker for that much and at least then I would have enjoyed being screwed!

When I returned from work that evening I loaded the Frigidaire Dishwasher with dirty flatware, plates, bowls, glasses and some soap. I closed the door and pressed start. It filled with water, and… “whirrrrrrr” – no dice! No impeller rotation! Just the motor sitting there, spinning its wheels (or gears)! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Many loud, angry and somewhat creative expletives flew from my mouth!

The next day I called the repairman/hooker back and asked what the &*$#. Unlike a hooker, he said he would come back out and check the motor-shaft/impeller connection free of charge. When he got there he told me that my diagnosis was correct and that the problem was the impeller and that it had just “caught correctly” when he was there last.

Joy! I thought, let’s just slap a new impeller in there and wash some dishes! Of course, that was a stupid pipe dream. I listened as the tech told me that Frigidaire (in their infinite engineering wisdom) hot-mounted the impeller to the motor shaft and that the only way to get a new impeller was to get a whole new “motor/impeller assembly.”

Whenever you hear the term “assembly” used by a technician in naming a part for most any device, just envision that word being spelled with nothing but dollar signs. The new “assembly” would cost around $150.00 PLUS the labor to install it! Sonovabittybittybug! Suddenly we were back to the hooker scenario – “if you want that, it's gonna cost extra, honey.”

Now, back to Wednesday Morning Fights.

When the Consumer Care Representative answered the phone, I decided to go in nice and easy and, if need be, start hitting her with verbal hooks and body shots. I calmly explained my problem and she told me that she totally understood my unhappiness. Sure.

I made a few charming jokes and quips as we talked and we seemed to have a nice rapport. I could hear her typing things on her keyboard. I listened to her politely stall as information came back to her. I hummed a song to myself.

She then started speak again and I got my best verbal right hook ready… only to pull it back. She informed me that Frigidaire would be happy to send me a new motor/impeller assembly at no charge! She also told me that two vital O-rings would probably be damaged when taking off the old assembly so she would send replacements for those as well. I told her how awesome that was and made a couple more jokes before we hung up.

That was probably the single most productive and satisfying phone call I have EVER had with a woman. Thanks, Consumer Care Representative Kim.

Now, if I could get Frigidaire to fix other broken crap in my life for free, like:

my car a/c,
my cruise control,
my back yard,
a couple of friendships,
my luck with women,
my roof,
my dog’s teeth,
my financial needs,
my curved spine,
my hairy back,
my heart,
blah, blah, blah.

By the way, I still have to pay the tech to install the new part, but he said it wouldn’t cost too much because… it’ll be a quickie!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

I'm funny damn it!

2010-09-09T15:59:00.001-06:00

I am funny, really funny! Two cows walk into a bar........

Live & Learn

2010-08-25T20:38:00.005-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 09
Live & Learn

Well, Mr. Jingles returned my jump drive, but evidently, I forgot how to use it. Here it is nearly the end of August and all I have on record is one blog for this month. It has not really been a good blog year for me. I think I have put a few good editions in the can, but as far as staying on top of things and doing it more often – not really happening.

The other day a dear friend of mine told me that I should write something happier. I actually do not know what could be a happier topic than getting back my jump drive, but the point was well taken. Conceding that I should write a happier blog leads many (myself included) to the question – “is Wayne happy?”

Actually, I am happier than I have been in a decade.

Although my blog is often riddled with narratives of heartbreak, loss, trials and tribulations, it by no means truly indicates the current state of my happiness. To me, Wayne’s Words has transmogrified from some silly little observations about random stupid crap in life into more serious observations about random stupid crap in life.

It seems like this blog was once a place to inject some levity and humor, but it has since become more of a home for reflection and learning – for me anyway. And the only way it works for me is to type it on this screen – it is therapeutic. If I did not use this outlet in the way I do I would not be learning life lessons very well. I would still be walking into walls. When you read this blog, whether you like it or not, you are witness to my growth process - but of course you don’t HAVE to read it.

I think many of you do read this blog, because you can relate to any given installment. You may not identify with everything, hell you might not even agree with it, but if you read it and can glean something useful from it – then cool. Even if what you gather is just a snicker or a “I never thought of it that way.” I do think that blogs (that aren’t informational) are like songs. They really mean something to the songwriter and if you end up liking them then that is neato too.

I am not some guru sitting atop a mountain passing down divine lessons. And I, most definitely, do NOT see myself as such. Just as I have said about a million times, I am a regular guy, just tryin’ to get by. Sometimes, while I am trying to get by, I run headlong into a huge wall of crap. We all do. Often I hit that wall due to blindness or stupidity or naiveté or lust or greed or gluttony or… the reasons could go on. I just choose to write about the wall here to help me tear it down and learn from the bricks of crap around my proverbial feet. My hope is that you would read it and be more able to deal with your own crap walls. However, when it comes to advise or lessons (solicited or not) we often refuse to hear them or think that they apply to us. Oh, well. At least I am learning.

One thing is for sure – this blog is better for me than turning to the bottle, or drugs or other stupid behavior that I am sure I could do to numb myself or make things seem to go away. Some cool things about doing this blog compared to those other things are:

It’s free,
I’m not impaired,
A bit less vomit,
No mornings waking up and saying “who are you?”
No police problems (yet, anyway),
The day after I don’t feel like hammered dog crap,
You can finish out the list from here.

So, again I say, generally I am happier than I have been in a decade and… I feel a little wiser too, since I have been lucky enough to learn from my writings in this therapeutic space, which I call a blog.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

I Hate Meeces To Pieces!

2010-08-02T19:18:00.002-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 08
I Hate Meeces To Pieces!

Well, in the immortal words of Ferris Bueller, “Life goes by pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Right now, the “take time to enjoy things” meaning of that quote is lost. These days, in MY life, the other meaning rings true: Life changes and it changes quickly. Life is always in a constant state of flux. I’m sure yours is and I know, indubitably, that mine is.

Sometimes life's changes seem obviously good, other times they feel clearly bad. I don't think that you actually know on which end of the spectrum any given life change is until you have had time to chronologically, psychologically and emotionally distance yourself from it. Hell, you may not even know how good or bad a change was until you are sitting in the ever-after reading through the chronicles of your life.

08-02-2010

Hell, I started the above blog several weeks ago and that was as far as I could get on it. I know it sounds stupid as all get out, but I just cannot seem to put down on the screen what I am feeling inside. It is all because of that damned jump drive being lost. It must have been my writer’s trigger; and without it I am just shooting blanks. It is so damned lame that I cannot seem to function without it. I am using the same computers, the same blogging site, the same damned mind, but without that jump drive in the mix I just sit here and stare…

Anyway, today at the office there was a ruckus in our production room. One of the designers came in to the sales room asking for one of our cameras. It seems that the wee little mouse that had recently made one of our walls his home was coming out to take bits of the D-Con we had left out for him and she wanted pictures of “Mr. Jingles.” That’s his name evidently; another mouse already took the name “Danger”. (Side bar: we don’t hate animals – we just cannot have a rodent infestation)

Several of us scrambled into production to try and catch a glimpse of Mr. Jingles. Sure as shucks, even with all of us crowded around his corner by the back door, Mr. Jingles brazenly scurried back and forth between the D-Con and his little hole. (tee hee: little hole) He even seemed to stop and pose every once in a while. We were all sooooo excited to see him. I am sure many of us also actually felt a bit bad inside knowing we were slowly killing him – even though he seemed fit as a tiny fiddle.

Then our General Manager came in! Don’t worry. He is as much of a child as the rest of us are, if not more so. Of course, he was also quite excited to see Mr. Jingles. As we all giggled and laughed at Mr. Jingles’ antics, the GM decided to go over and see if his hole (chortle) was leading outside or into the dividing wall between offices.

He took out his flashlight (yes, he always has one with him) to get a better look and was distracted by some yarn and something shiny. He bent over to grab the shiny object and held it up for all to see… it was my damned jump drive! Holy Crap! It was not two and a half feet from Mr. Jingles’ hideaway.

I was shocked. In fact, I think we were all blown away. The GM said he wanted a reward, so I pantomimed something with him that can’t be written here: just let your imagination run filthy and you will probably figure it out. We all laughed and my jump drive was returned to me.

When the jump drive was lost on June 24^th of this year (that is the last day I used it), several of us tore the offices apart. My work wife told me that she and others even looked back there and had found nothing. We pulled out desks, moved boxes, shuffled papers and anything else you can imagine and were unable to find what our GM happened upon rather easily (maybe that is why he is President of Search & Rescue). The jump drive wasn’t even really shoved up against the wall or under anything or even tucked discretely behind something. So, only one thing can be certain: my jump drive was stolen then left there so it could eventually be found.

Mr. Jingles is a jerk! I cannot believe he would take it in the first place, but to toy with me like that is just downright mean! I thought I had lost my mind and could no longer be trusted with any item smaller than a shoebox without losing it. Stupid mouse! He probably got hantavirus all over it! Little flea-ridden varmint!

Aw, whom am I kidding? I can’t be too mad at him. At least he finally returned it to me safe and sound before he died.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS Thanks for finding it, Vic! I owe you lunch. You like value menus, don’t you?

Jump Drive Lost

2010-07-08T17:47:00.004-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 07
Jump Drive Lost

Well, here I am again – much later than anticipated. What’s new? It seems like I always have the good intention of writing my blog more often and then I turn around and it is 20 years later. Argh! Curse you Father Time and your never ending march toward the future!

Actually I was going to do this about a week ago, but I went to my car to retrieve the jump drive I have all of my blogs on and it was gone. I had that thing since August 12^th of 2007! It is always in the Speed Racer coffee cup in my car! Gone?! Where would it be? I cannot believe I lost it. Once it went through the washer AND the dryer…. Still worked. Another time it was sucked up by the most powerful car wash vacuum cleaner on Earth. The attendant and I dug it out of the debris canister and…Viola! Still worked. Now it is lost. I’m sure it still works, but not for me.

All my blogs are online, but I had a method. My budget was also on the jump drive. I had to recreate it. By the way, the new version seems to leave me with less money! DAMMIT! I had another spreadsheet that figures my commission each pay period. Made a new one. There were all kinds of very personal letters and such. They’re just gone now. Also gone and irreplaceable are the pictures. I am hoping many of them were duplicates, but I fear there were many that were not.

I have looked everywhere - except, of course, where it currently is. I have looked under every stick of furniture in my home. I have looked at my bosses home (I babysat his dogs for a weekend). I have looked at the office (which is the last place I remember actually having it for sure). I have searched my car. Nothing. Nowhere. No how.

I’m generally very good about not losing things, but this time….sigh.

I guess that jump drive is much like anything else in life. If you are not very careful with it – poof – it is gone. This can be said for friends, family members, lovers, etc.

Sure losing a person in your life may not actually be your fault. They may do something that results in your loss. They may… decide it is time to move on down the road, realize that some differences are too great, want to do different things than you, start to like different things or a different lifestyle than you, visualize a future that doesn’t include you, believe that they need to experience life without you, get the idea that they have grown beyond you. Hell, they may even just die. None of these things are necessarily your fault - although, some of them could be partially your fault.

In the rare instances that I HAVE lost things, I have always said to myself that I need to take better care of my stuff. That is a sentiment that also holds true with the people in your life.

Again, some people will disappear from your life through no fault of your own, but you still need to take better care of them. You need to realize that life and relationships are fluid and either can end without warning. So while any given person is in your life you really need to “take care of them.” This means that you cannot take them for granted. You need to tell them and show them how much you do care for them. You need to cherish each and every moment you have with them. Yes, even the dreary, dull moments, because you will even miss those once someone is gone.

I am going to go. Just remember – anything or anyone could disappear from your life before you awake in the morning. So, take care of your stuff.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS If you see my jump drive, please return it to me. PLEASE!!!!

One Hit Wonders

2010-06-10T18:07:00.001-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 06
One Hit Wonders

The other night, at dinner, my son and I were discussing music. At the onset, this is already a mind-numbing conversation, because (to him) my music is crap and (to me) his music is crap. LOL. These conversations usually end up being a circular argument about what is and is not good.

Nonetheless, The Boy mentioned Vanilla-Ice (of all people) when talking about “old-school” hip-hop/rap. I made mention that I have actually seen Robert Van Winkle twice in my life and I thought that he was quite ungracious and a whiner.

The first instance was at the height of his “Ice-Ice, Baby” popularity. He opened for (drum roll, please) MC Hammer. I did not buy the second row tickets – they were a “perk” of my job. Incidentally, the group that preceded both Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer that night was a little-known, all-girl singing group called En Vogue. They stole the show with harmonies as rich as freshly churned butter. But, I digest…. That night, Mr. Van Winkle was on top of the world and beamed with pride as the crowd roared when his signature track started.

The second time I saw him was… I dunno… sometime in the last decade with some friends. We decided to go to some (insert holiday here) fest and he was the headliner. It sounded retro-fun and funny. Much to our dismay, when he was onstage and people started chanting “Ice-Ice, Baby,” he got super pissed. He started screaming the fact that he was a “legitimate” rapper and star and that song was just one and… blah, blah, blah! What a baby!

This brings me to the “discussion.” We were both right, but I think neither one of us wanted to see the other’s point. So here it is… all spelled out.

First off, the definition of “one-hit wonder” is a confused one. The Billboard Book of One-Hit Wonders (Billboard Books, 1998) defines a one-hit wonder rather strictly, as "an act that has won a position on Billboard's national, pop, Top 40 just once. That definition does minimalize many artists whom NO ONE would consider “one-hit wonders” (i.e. Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix). Looser definitions state that a “one-hit wonder” is someone who is remembered for one specific song – whether that song even made the charts and regardless of their body of work if it was overshadowed by said song. I would also add that I think it has to be a song so ubiquitous during its time (or since) that the majority of people, regardless of musical taste, would recognize it OR the artist. For example, the perky Katrina and the Waves song “Walking on Sunshine.”

Vanilla Ice had The Boy on his side. He said that it must be quite irritating and frustrating to write truckloads of music and find out that everyone wants to hear that one song. They don’t appreciate your other music. They don’t even want to hear your other music. You work so hard at your profession and all anyone remembers is that one stupid instance – that one song that you probably get sick and tired of playing.

Son, that’s a very good point. Imagine being a doctor all your life and only being remembered for the time you delivered that baby in the cab during gridlock traffic in 100 degree heat with only a shoestring and a bottle opener – regardless of the countless lives you saved with a career full of proper diagnoses and such. However, that cab-baby was still quite a feat and was even named after you!

In fact, many “one-hit wonders,” whether they hate the title or embrace it, often feel that was NOT even their best song. Also, many of them have a huge body of work before or after the “one hit” that is remarkable and often times much better and even more critically acclaimed. The other music, for whatever reason – whether it is moon-wobble or lack of harmonic convergence – just does not make it on the GRAND scale that the “one hit” did.

My side of the argument was that any “one-hit wonder” should get down on their knees to thank the public for embracing and recognizing the song to such a magnitude that it made them, if even for just a few minutes, a household name. In a sea of thousands of signed artists and millions of people with a penned song in their guitar case, to have your “one” recognized the world over is statistically amazing. You should be grateful.

Although many “one-hit wonders” disappear after their “15 minutes of fame” many more do not evaporate into oblivion. The smart “one-hitters” or even perceived “one-hitters” parlay the success of that one song into a loyal fan base that eats up every tune they write and they continue making music for the love of it, regardless of any subsequent commercial success or lack thereof.

You cannot tell true fans of Madness that “Our House” was the only good song that band released. In fact in the 80s, they had 15 Top-Ten hits in 4 years in the U.K. In reality (at least in the U.S.) that one song was their defining moment. Then there are acts like Toni Basil. She landed in the annals of music history (whether you like it or not) with “Hey, Mickey.” She had a couple of other insignificant hits and one more album, but that was it she was finished. She went back to her choreography.

So, I guess it is all in how you look at it as an artist. Are you going to belly ache that “no one” appreciated anything except for your one hit? Or are you going to embrace the fact that, even for a just few minutes, you were the biggest thing and will always be remembered for it and go on your merry way making music or whatever you want to do?

Have a good trip, son.
Enjoy the Midwest.
See you in August.
I Love You!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Art Imitates Me

2010-05-13T17:57:00.010-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 05
Art Imitates Me

OK, OK! I know I have not done this in a long time. Actually, I am pretty sure that I am the only one who knows that. I mean, this blog has, what, 3 readers (including myself). I have no real excuse for my lack of blogging – I just didn’t do it.

Maybe it is because I had started Facebooking? I dunno. I don’t even do that much. Maybe it is just that there is not much to share right now. No wisdom, no insights, no humor.

I thought of a good blog a few weeks ago involving the Motor Vehicle Division of New Mexico, but then I realized it was only painful and not much different than anyone else’s experience.

Friends and I have talked about the fact that I am often the back on which stars and writers make their money, because so many characters we see are a lot like me - usually the likeable losers in movies and such. We all know, for instance, that I am Duckie from Pretty in Pink. Coincidentally, my son is pretty sure I am Dr. Alan Harper from 2 and a half Men. I was also once told that I was a lot like Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility. Of course, according to John Willoughby, “Brandon is the sort of man everyone speaks well of, but no one remembers to talk to.” Hmmm. Don’t know if it was a compliment.

The other day, one of my “work-wives” showed me a comic and said “OMG – it’s you!” She was right.

I started reading Sally Forth mainly because it was on the comics’ page. One day in 2008 the Comic really hit home, so I welcomed the most recent comparison with open arms.

This is the 2008 Sally Forth “Wayne Moment.”

It may or may not be widely known that I don’t eat a lot of lunches out or with people. I usually eat leftovers (mine or those of others) at the office or at home. Anyway, when I showed this to my (then) significant other, she laughed a lot. Now, I think it was at me – not with me.

What follows now are the most recent Sally Forth “Wayne Moments.”

I am in Ad Sales, while the above strip may not be factual, I am sure that we Admen are seen this way.

OK….. This one is dead on.

Just substitute Jessie’s Girl for The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald and - presto!

This is more about my most recent Driver’s License photo. It looks like they took it from twenty feet away and twenty years in the future!

My Mom and I have always joked that I was switched at birth and was actually from a wealthy family. I feel you, Ted. I feel you. LOL.

It is just plain me. Why do you think I have this blog?! Sad, I know.

There is actually more to come - soon. I just had to get out of the anti-writing funk I was in. For the past couple of months I barely even wanted to write my name, much less some unread blog.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Life Ain’t TV

2010-03-16T20:38:00.001-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 04
Life Ain’t TV

Hello?

Is there anybody left out there?

I am still right here where I have always been, just…blog-less. I don’t know what is wrong. I don’t know what to write. I am, however, still here.

Even as I type – my mind is blank. I really don’t think it is a big deal, though. I mean, I think the only people who ever read this are a few of my co-workers. It may, as far as I know, be filler for our website to boost its page count or something.

I think my life has begun to atrophy. I know that there are many parts of me that have. I am fighting the recurring and cascading effects of a back injury from last year. I moved a stupid piano and knocked out a couple of vertebrae. I was able to lift it without problems. How? I don’t know. I guess I am stronger than I look. It was the twisting of it through a doorway that did the damage. You would think it would be hard to manage a back injury in someone spineless, but it still happens. LOL.

I know a good portion of my heart is shriveling up and wasting away. I just don’t have anyone to share it with. It has really good stuff in it, but I guess if you don’t use it you lose it.

I know that many of us are not where we thought we would be at this stage in our lives. I know that when I was young I thought that I would meet a wonderful girl who would love and cherish me as I would her. I thought we would have two incredible children (one boy – one girl) that would rejoice in the fact that we were a happy family. I figured that both my wife and I would have worked for the same companies (respectively) for the past 20 years and have incredible pensions awaiting our retirement. I even thought we would have the children’s college saved for and ready for their enrollment only to find out that they both received full scholarships. Big house, nice cars, fun vacations – no debt. All of this is what I envisioned.

None of this has come to fruition. I guess those lofty dreams are what I get from growing up watching television. The Brady Bunch, Happy Days, The Waltons, Leave It To Beaver, Ozzie and Harriet, Father Knows Best, Family Ties, The Cosby Show. Although each show had its own brand of weirdness, as I looked through my television window into their lives, I saw long lasting love, respect, hard work, etc. I saw family.

Yes, there were problems and issues that arose in all of these shows, but the beauty of television was that all of the characters learned from their mistakes and corrected them. There was growth. I liked what I saw and wanted it.

Maybe I should have just become and actor.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Holiday Triple-Header

2010-02-14T12:28:00.001-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 03
Holiday Triple-Header

This one is hard to write. It has been too long since I have done it and I seem to have lost all inspiration for it. Lately I have felt, when I do sit down to write, that I am the only one that sees it. Am I writing just for the sake of writing?

This one is also hard to write because Rambo 3 is on the TV right now and I find it hard to look away.

This one is also hard to write because it is Valentine’s Day: An especially lonely day when you are alone.

February starts out with a great week filled with a holiday triple-header, then Valentine’s Day. When you have someone it is cool, because it is actually a quadruple-header. When you are alone – nay, when I am alone – it is the triple-header followed up by the heartbreak of V-Day.

The triple-header consists of three of my favorite holidays all packed into one week.

First, February 2^nd - Groundhog Day! I love that holiday. It is filled with hope and expectations of the new beginning that is spring. Spring is a renewal, not just for the flora and fauna, but for the heart and the soul. Even when Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow and announces that there will be 6 more weeks of winter, hope (albeit for delayed renewal) remains.

I do miss the lost traditions of Groundhog Day. Digging a hole in the living room on Groundhog’s Eve and singing carols and drinking spiked “hog-nog.” Then, waking up in the morning on GHD and scurrying to the hole to see the wonderful gifts that Phil has left!

Second, February 5^th - my birthday. Never really a big party or anything, but always plenty of well wishers and a few presents. It is just a good day. This year, on Wayne’s Day I had lunch with one of my best friends (known him since 2^nd grade), his wife and one of my “work-wives.” That was a really nice time. On Wayne’s Night I enjoyed few hours of playing darts and laughing with my boss, his wife and my son. The day after Wayne’s Day, Hillbilly Mom, The Boy and I went to El Paso and had Rudy’s BBQ for lunch. We then went on a trek to find work pants for me. Kohl’s, Ross, Marshall’s, Dillard’s, nor Macy’s had slacks in my size. Either EVERYBODY wears 32x34s and they are all sold out or NOBODY wears 32x34s and they do not stock them. The three of us, however, laughed off our collective ass.

Third, February 7^th (this year) – Super Bowl. I like pro-football. I don’t know a billion stats and names and such, but I really like watching it. I like championship games of almost any sort. Combine those two things and you have The Super Bowl. That is NOT the beauty of Super Bowl Sunday, though. All of my favorite Super Sundays have been spent with that 2^nd grade best friend. Not because of our longtime friendship, but because of his wife! ANY occasion that I get to attend a gathering or party that she throws is a blessed one. Man, the food that she makes, the atmosphere that she creates. It is always the absolute best. The woman is amazing. She makes Martha Stewart look like an A.D.D. five-year-old with an E-Z-Bake Oven. I am always guaranteed to eat until I am crying that my system can take no more.

Then there is Valentine’s Day. Now the XXI Winter Olympic Games are on, so F to Valentine’s Day!

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Hard to Swallow

2010-01-23T09:15:00.004-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 02
Hard to Swallow

Well, here it is, nearly the end of my 42^nd year. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that means I will be turning 43 VERY soon.

I really don’t have a big problem with my age. It is just that as you get older you tend to look back. Am I missing out? Did I miss out? Could I have done something more? Less? But, for a regular guy, just tryin’ to get by, I feel I have actually done quite a bit in my life. I have:

Fathered a wonderful child,
Been in a rock and roll band,
Been on TV (local & El Paso),
Been in the newspaper,
Been in a movie (not an adult film – just a low budget flick)
Been on ABC national radio news,
Been a guest on a Tulsa morning radio show,
Had my own morning radio show,
Worked for a semi-pro sports team,
Owned my own business,
Visited and lived in other countries,
Driven around a good portion of the U.S.,
Met celebrities from A-list to Z-list,
Saved a life or two,
Been richer,
Been poorer,
Made lifelong, incredible friends,
Been in love (maybe too many times…LOL)

And a slew of other things that (at least) I think are cool.

It is not that I am worrying about getting older. It is just, especially when one is alone; the idea of “maintenance” crosses one’s mind as one gets older. I mean, no matter how jaded, one would still hope for a loving companion and one cannot attract someone by turning into a troll.

Evidently, since I am (gulp) IN my 40s, I should be taking all kinds of supplements to help keep me from becoming all troll-ified.

Multi-vitamin/multi-mineral combination - Because we just don’t get enough.
Fish oil with 2000 mg DHA and 3000 mg EPA - To lower blood pressure, keep the heart from blowing of the chest cavity and maybe boost the health of the melon.
Vitamin D3 in the cholecalciferol form - To boost the immune system, so I don’t get bone-itus and so my internal organs don’t fall out.
Hydrochloric acid - To ward off indigestion, heartburn and Gastroesophageal REFLUX disease. And I thought I was just burping once in a while!
Arginine, ornithine, and glutamine - To increase the output of the body’s own growth hormone and testosterone levels. I wonder if we can make it concentrate on only growing a certain area. I thought my testosterone was just lower because I wasn’t using it.

Those are the doctor recommended supplements, not prescriptions – that is different and a bigger bag of worries. A bag that I (luckily) do not have right now.

But, what about all the other supplements advertised on the radio and TV to help fight getting old and the accompanying troll-ification?

Glucosamine – so you can move.
Beta Sitosterol – so the prostate doesn’t balloon up.
Garlique – so you can be as heart healthy as Larry King.
Gingko biloba – evidently we get “stupider” as we age.
Hundreds of different pills for the dingaling – apparently after 40 it doesn’t work often enough or long enough, it is too small, and (according to some of the ads) doesn’t produce enough volume!

There are so many! I would never be able to eat if I took them all, because I would be so full from ingesting the damned pills! Maybe I will just stick with a good ol’ Flinstones Chewable. 10,000,000 and growing!

I actually wonder if all these things are really going to do anything. Maybe it is a trick and all these supplements are actually sold by companies owned by a funeral directors’ union. They sell us these “supplements” which, rather than help us, slowly embalm us over time, thus making their job easier when we arrive on their doorstep.

Oops! I must have forgotten to take my Oblivitol this morning. It is a supplement (I ordered it from a seemingly reputable internet pop up ad) to keep one from sweating the small stuff AND the big stuff of daily life. Of course, it has some side effects: fabrication of wild conspiracy theories, drooling, anal leakage, extreme thoughts of urinating in public, acute OCD, sexual side effects, loss of digital dexterity…

Until Next Time,

Wayne

New Year

2010-01-05T23:03:00.004-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 01
New Year

Well it is 2010 and has been for five days now. It is going by so fast. I hope that this year is better for each of you than last year (whether 2009 was good or bad – my wish for you is the same).

I realize I haven’t done this thing since Christmas Eve. Sorry, just haven’t been inspired and plus I was spending all my spare time with kith and kin.

But it is a new year, right? Right.

I will be another year older in exactly one month (at the time of this writing) and for my birthday the City of the Crosses will begin enforcing a new law. No cellular phone use while driving unless it is hands free. It seems like a good law on its face – many people cannot talk on the phone and drive. Most people cannot text and drive. Some of us have the capability of doing both and, more importantly, we know when we can and cannot. So it is a law governing all of us because some of us are incapable. What else is new?

It got me thinking, though, about other activities that occur while a vehicle is in motion: activities which may or may not be governed by specific laws. All of the things I have listed below I have either witnessed or even (I admit) done myself.

Eating a 2-fisted Go Burger burrito.
Eating a full combo meal.
Eating a bowl of cereal.
Drinking a 64 ounce soda.
Drinking hot coffee.
Putting on mascara.
Applying eyeliner.
Curling eyelashes.
Caking on lipstick.
Curling hair with a portable curling iron.
Brushing hair.
Brushing teeth.
Blowing nose.
Picking nose.
Trimming finger nails
Filing finger nails.
Painting finger nails.
Q-tipping ears.
Cleaning eyeglasses/sunglasses.
Cleaning up trash.
Throwing Trash out window.
Wiping window.
Cleaning dashboard.
Punching address into GPS.
Changing radio stations.
Changing CDs.
Scrolling through iPod songs.
Singing with or without music.
Reading newspaper.
Reading Stephen King novel. (Saw it once!)
Reading album liner notes.
Reading directions.
Reading billboards.
Finishing homework.
Looking at scenery.
Gawking at accident.
Staring at attractive people.
Petting dog.
Smoking cigarette.
Self pleasure.
Pleasuring the passenger.
Having someone’s head in driver’s lap.
Having someONE in driver’s lap.
Talking to passenger.
Arguing with passenger.
Yelling at other drivers.
Reaching back and slapping kids.
Swatting at flies.
Taking off jacket.
Putting on jacket.
Changing shoes.
Tying necktie.
Changing random garment.
Resting foot on dashboard.
Drumming on dashboard.
Playing steering wheel like a guitar.
Adjusting mirrors.
Adjusting seat.
Setting watch.
Setting the car clock.

I am sure there are more that I am forgetting. Remember, I drive around all day and each of these items (as I stated earlier) I have either witnessed first hand or have done myself. I believe the majority of these things have no specific law governing whether they can or cannot be done (on a line by line basis). Maybe instead of outlawing any one thing specifically (as long as it is not already an illegal act) they should just put into place a law against driving while distracted (DWD).

With that law, if you are doing whatever extracurricular activity and still driving well, no infraction – since you are obviously not distracted enough to adversely affect your driving. If you are driving poorly and doing something besides holding your steering wheel at the 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock positions –TICKET!

For all I know, such a law may already be in place. Whatever, I don’t really pay attention anyway.

Happy motoring!

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Christmas

2009-12-25T01:17:00.002-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 29
Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, throughout our small home
There was all kinds of noise, and the house I did roam.

The dryer was tumbling, the dishwasher ran too,

So I climbed into bed – what else could I do?

One cat and the dog were asleep with The Boy,

I hoped they were dreaming of much Christmas joy.

I tucked myself in, Seinfeld on my TV

I was all cozy, just my remote and me.

When outside my window was a noise that went “thump”

And when I first heard it – it caused me to jump.

No reason to get up because I knew the sound,

A loud system, a low-rider, tailpipes scraping the ground.

Christmas Videos were on VH-1

So I changed the channel to listen for fun.

There were songs about reindeer, presents and snow

And Jesus and Santa and Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho.

I thought off and on while Christmas songs played

I’d be glad when bad memories of this past year would fade.

It’d been so filled with heartbreak, oh so stressed

But our home became stronger, and with love we were blessed.

I thought of my son growing bigger each day

And when he was small on my chest he would lay.

Now almost a teen, he’s a genius, so smart

And filled with compassion, he has a great heart.

So, whether you’re close or far apart

Show family and friends and kids your true heart.

Just let them know that you love them all true

And real Christmas cheer will flow through you.

Merry Christmas

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Thanks

2009-11-26T09:42:00.004-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 28
Thanks

Well, it is a chilly Thanksgiving Morning. Actually, I have not gone outside. Hell, I haven’t even gotten out of bed, but it seems cold outside. The bed is soooooo toasty and comfy. Got The Parade on the tube, blankets all wrapped around me and I even have company in the bed. Yes, the dog and the two cats are sharing in my Turkeyday laziness. What? Did you really think it was a woman in bed with me? No sexy, fun time here - just us fuzzy beasts enjoying the Macy’s tradition.

I am going to keep this short as I do need to get up and dressed pretty soon.

I just want everyone to have a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope that you all enjoy your family and friends.

There is one thing I would like to remind everyone to remember. Life is very uncertain and ever-changing, so be sure that you cherish the moments that you have with the people that really matter. The ones who really care for and love you and for whom you feel the same; the ones who turn to you and to whom you turn; the ones who have always been there when you needed or wanted – those are the people who really matter. Hold them close, whether in person or in your heart, because the reality of life is that in the blink of an eye they can be gone.

Someone said “life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” I disagree slightly. While the “moments that take our breath away” are great and memorable, I believe that the best parts of life are the comfortable, happy times that are spent with the people we care about. It may be just a smile over a cup of coffee, a look and a kiss before drifting off to sleep, a story at bedtime, a hug when you need it, a raunchy joke at an inappropriate time or just sitting and talking. These are the moments that are truly our lives - and while they may not “take our breath away,” they are comfortable and warm and they matter most. They are moments when you are just breathing.

Today, I am thankful for those times in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Housekeeping

2009-11-15T12:29:00.002-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 27
Housekeeping

The other day I was finishing up all kinds of chores. It had been a long list with a lot of other life things mixed in. Needless to say – I was tie-yurd. The last thing that needed to been done take The Boy’s clothes out of the dryer, fold them and put them away. Thank God! It had been such a long, hard week and I just wanted to be done.

As I was taking his garments from the dryer, I kept noticing strange gunk on his clothes. The first couple of shirts to come out with the crud on them raised no real alarms – he is a 12 year-old boy after all. Then more. And then more. What the hell? Finally, I just pulled all of his stuff out into a basket and… OH NO! I stared into my dryer. I then blinked my unbelieving eyes trying to make the horror go away. It stayed.

The inside of my dryer was black and gummy! When I say “gummy,” I mean it. The entire dryer drum and interior back was coated with GUM! The Boy had left two, brand-new packs of gum in the pocket of a pair of his jeans and the dryer super-heated it and spread it like frosting all over the interior.

I tried a sponge to slow or no avail. Crap! I only know of one thing to cure this. I went to the garage and got the WD-40. I took off the dryer door and proceeded to coat the gum with the wonder spray. Miracle or not, WD-40 still took a long time and a lot of scrubbing. I would be done – then see some more gum. Then I would be done again – then see some more. Finally, I got all the gum out, but I was then left with a dryer (and subsequent lint) that was coated with a petroleum product. Can you spell fire?

I pulled out the unit so I could take off the back and clean out any WD-40 soaked lint. Mom had been telling me for some time that I should clean out the back of the dryer due to some possibility of fire or something. When I pulled off the back, I then understood what she was talking about. It was so full of lint I could have made a king-sized quilt.

Finally, two hours after the initial gum discovery, I was done. All gum, WD-40 residue, and lint was cleaned out of the dryer. It is actually a good thing this happened. If the gum had not been in there I may have never gotten around to taking off the back of the dryer and we could have been a statistic in the “dryer caused house fire category.”

It is kind of like life I guess. You attempt to solve an immediate, very visible problem and you end up discovering that there was a giant blanket of lint clogging up the works and creating a fire hazard all along. Hmmm.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS Yesterday I was rearranging my room to move something in there – something that would benefit me. I had giant bookcases to empty and move. I had to try the bed in every position to see if I could make the new piece fit. I had to make nightstands. I had to rewire cable. Finally, after a long time (10 hours), it all came together.

I guess that is like life too.

The One?

2009-11-02T17:11:00.002-07:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 26
The One?

It is very strange to me how a story about a king, that is an allegory (someone said that was the best literary term for it) about learning and becoming a better man during the course of one’s life, can lead to a comment-debate about me and women (or lack thereof). (See Wayne’s Words Volume 3 Number 25 – King & comments)

You all have seen through me! Alas, I drink from the well of bachelorhood – once again.

I will clear things up. Historically women have not stayed. Hence, I AM alone. I DO NOT have anyone.

Debate settled.

-Wayne

I said that in the middle of the comments to blatantly let everyone know my “status.”

I know why, in almost every case, I have been left. After the subsequent depression, I take that information and try to learn from it. Sometimes I misinterpret and end up going overboard one way or another in my next relationship. Nonetheless, I do try to learn from all of my experiences in life.

I have come to the conclusion that I should totally be myself. Scars, wounds, insecurities, flaws and all. The “one” will love me, not just in spite of those things, but also (partly) because of them. I also know she is out there (I am a hopeful romantic). She is somewhere.

God, cupid, the cosmos, magnetics, moon wobble, harmonic convergence, or whatever the force that brings two people together is called, will eventually bring us into each other’s lives - or maybe not. You aren’t just going to one day be in Albertson’s and simultaneously reach for the same avocado as someone and realize that she is the one. But then again, you actually might just one day be in Albertson’s and simultaneously reach for the same avocado as someone and realize that she IS the one. It is very hard to meet your soul mate, but when it happens it is actually very easy.

I don’t know when it will happen or even if, but I like to hope that it will. Maybe it already has and I did not recognize it or she did not recognize it. Maybe I am just a short time thing for women. Maybe I am just a launch pad husband/boyfriend for women to end up in a better place. Maybe I just have not taken the right road on my journey yet. Maybe… I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have had happy times in my life with women. Unfortunately when those times end it hurts me very deeply. I am told it is because I love with ALL of myself. (Keep your sexual snickers to yourselves!) I have been told that I give my entire being to my love and I wear my heart on my sleeve (generally) and that is why the end of a relationship is always hard on me.

I like being in love and I believe in giving all of myself to my lover. Ergo, I will not change that aspect of the way I love. I do have to realize that when and if I have another woman in my life that if it ends – it will indeed hurt like a sonovab(*&#. I guess that is the way it goes for me.

For now I will keep my eyes and my heart open for “the” one.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS I was going to do something much lighter, but you kids started this train of thought with your comments. Plus, all of the Halloween stuff is on Facebook. ;)

King

2009-10-18T15:20:00.004-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 25
King

For you.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom, in a faraway land…

A king without heir was lying on his deathbed. He knew that soon he would pass and his beloved kingdom would fall to his evil enemies.

He ordered the royal couriers, by the thousands, to go to the farthest reaches of his rule to deliver a simple message. In a fortnight, all the best men of the kingdom should report to the royal palace for an audience with the king.

The subjects under this particular king's rule were very loyal. He was a great king and true to his people. Were he not born to his throne he surely would have elected. He was loved.

On the day requested, thousands of men from the kingdom reported as requested. The king, as sick as he was, interviewed each of the men individually at his bedside while each was pampered as if he were already king. During each interview the subjects were given the best food, drink, song, massage, shave and other luxuries afforded a king.

After all of the interviews were over the king told these men, via messenger, to wait outside the palace gates while he made his decision. He met with his advisor who happened to also be his royal wizard. Then he was given a potion and the king slept for a month.

When he awoke he was brought to the veranda to address these fine men. He spoke...

"While each of you possess certain qualities of a king - some of you with more, some of you with less, I am sorry to say that none of you can be my successor"

"A true king would never think he was the best man and, therefore, would not have come. For a king must be humble and know he is only as great as his subjects."

"You may think I would now choose a man who did not come. But, alas, I cannot. For a king also must not be so intimidated as to not stand up."

"So who should be king? Well, unknown to you all - as you were being pampered so was every man who stayed behind. I then gave the trimmings and clippings from each man to the royal wizard and for the past month he has worked his magic to bestow upon you your new king."

An ordinary looking man stepped out onto the veranda to join his highness. He was normal in every way and he bowed to the king and even to the men before him.

The king continued, "This man is your new king. He is the best man to sit in the throne because he is indeed all of the best qualities of each man in the kingdom and because he comes from each one of you he is indeed only as great as his subjects."

Having said his peace, the king slumped and with his last ounce of strength he handed his royal scepter to his successor. Then he exhaled, one last time, and he passed.

The crowd gasped.

And the new king wept.

The End.

I have, in my life, learned from every great person I have met. I have even learned from the not so great people I have met. I have tried to take the knowledge – the “trimmings and clippings” – and make myself a better man.

Every day, though it doesn’t always feel like it, is better for me and for the man I am to become. Sometimes I slip and take a fall. However, one of the most important things I have learned from the people I have known is to get back up and continue my journey.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS I haven’t heard anything on that stupid song. I guess, like a lot of things, I am just going to let it go.

Mix-Tape Death

2009-10-11T19:35:00.005-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 24
Mix-Tape Death

I have had several thoughts on what this edition of Wayne’s Words might say.

I was going to give you a list of my likes and dislikes. Suffice to say I like lots and lots of stuff. I dislike some stuff. Done. Actually, I will still do it, but later.

I could tell you that I have been working on chores and such all weekend, but you probably have already guessed that since I have no “special” one to go do fun things with.

I could tell you that recently I have been the loneliest have been in a couple of months, because the person I want to talk to most - I cannot.

But, Friday night something came up to supplant all of those thoughts: a mix-tape.

It started when someone I hold very dear mentioned they heard (Don’t Go Back To) Rockville by R.E.M. and was reminded of a mix-tape that was playing in my truck 20 years ago. What a memory! It must have really meant something. Well, I stated that the mix-tape in question was currently in the cassette deck in my garage and that I still listen to it when I am piddling.

I really like this mix-tape. It was made for me in the late 80’s by “#2 The Artist Co-Ed” (reference: WAYNE’S WORDS - Volume 3 Number 15 - Mystery Machine). It was a bunch of cool tunes that I didn’t really know at the time, because I was mostly listening to Van Halen, Aerosmith, ZZ TOP and the like. Thank you #2 for opening the door to even more music for me to like (now I actually like almost everything).

Anyway, after discussing this 22 year-old mix-tape, I decided to do something I have always wanted to do. I (or someone else in my stead) was going to have it made into a cd before the tape finally suffers from a dirty-deck, music-eating death historically suffered by many celluloid masterpieces. If you have lived long enough to know cassettes, you know what I mean. I am surprised the damned thing has lasted this long.

It would be easy enough to make a digital version of the mix-tape with all the resources like Rhapsody, iTunes and such out there in cyberspace at our disposal. Piece of cake.

As I said previously, 22 years ago I didn’t know the music on the mix-tape. As I listened over the years and my musical vision and horizons broadened I pretty much came to know all of the artists on the mix-tape and, subsequently, other music from them. So. To start the digital process, all I had to do was compile the list of songs. Eezee Peezee Lemon Sqeezee.

The songs on the mix-tape by artists I didn’t know or was not sure of would be easy to find. Just pop a lyric into the search engine of choice and presto! I went through and did this for every song on the tape just to make sure all of my titles, spellings and artists were correct.

There was always this one song on the tape that I could never figure out. It is a nice song about lost love or a leaving woman or whatever, but I never knew whom it was by. Well, that one came up and I happily hopped on the interweb and punched in a portion of the lyrics and……….nothin’! What? Every other song on the mix-tape came up with 50 billion matching results in .00013 nanoseconds! Why is this song so damned special?

I spent an interweb eternity searching for this song. I tried different search engines, searches within sites, sub-searches within sub-sites, etc. Still, nothing. I even went as far as to type the entire song into Microsoft Word – copied and pasted the whole thing in the multiple search engines and….STILL NOTHING!

I searched the interweb for nearly 2 hours. If you cannot find something on the web in that period of time – the damned thing does not exist. I was about to make the whole mix-tape, my cassette deck, my garage; both my vehicles and my whole house cease to exist, because I was soooo frustrated! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I worked on this late Friday night and part of Saturday! The more I worked on it the more aggravated I became. In addition to the web searches, I even contacted and sent the lyrics to the person who gave me the mix-tape! No luck. Oh, she got back to me, but she had no clue what artist did the song! (Before any of you get your hopes up of me “finding” someone – she is happily married and living on the east coast.) I have since eMailed her the list of all the songs on the mix-tape in hopes that the compilation will help jog her memory. I haven’t heard back yet.

I had decided that the song is by an indie-label group at best. More than likely a regional or circuit band that played on campus in Corbett Center or something and #2 bought their cd/tape at the show. I can just kind of tell these things from the quality of the recording (it is too clean), the arrangement of the song (every stringed instrument has a solo so each player gets to be showcased) and the fact that it does not exist in cyberspace. It was probably a little bar or campus band that scraped together a few hundred bucks and went to the recording studio in their hometown and said, “We wanna make a demo.”

I was about to burn down my house in frustration when a reprieve came in the form of an invitation to play darts and drink a couple of beer with my boss. Perfect! He and his wife are total 80philes! They might be able to help me! They even lived here in the correct time frame to have possibly seen these guys play on campus or wherever. Plus my boss has some music identifier app on his iPhone!

I got to the boss’ house and, after dusting off an old tape player and splicing some speaker wire, we proceeded to listen. We listened to the whole mix-tape leading up to the stupid song in hopes of putting their heads into the right frame of reference. When the song came on all I saw was blank stares. Even the iPhone had a blank look on its face. The stupid app couldn’t recognize the song either. DAMMIT!

So, here is my request. I am giving you the lyrics of this song. Please copy and paste them into an eMail and send it to everyone you know. Have them forward it to everyone they know. I want this damned lyric to become one of those ubiquitous forwards that go around the world a million times. I will also include an eMail for me at the end of the lyrics so when someone knows they can contact me. Thanks. I NEED TO KNOW! Doesn’t this song even kinda sound like my life? So weird!

How many times do I have to tell you that I love you, tell me

Oh what do I have to say?

None of the time I spent with you

I wouldn’t believe you if you would say

Please don’t tell me that is all

Cause I’m not ready for the fall

So please don’t tell me that is all

Why do you ask about the other girl?

She never asks me about you

It seems so funny but no ones laughin’

Cause deep inside they know that I’m blue

If you tell me that is all

I’m not ready for the fall

So please don’t tell me that is all

How many times do I have to tell you that I need you, tell me

Oh what do I have to do?

All of my life I searched for someone

Now I find out that it is you

So please don’t tell me that is all

Cause I’m not ready for the fall

So please don’t tell me that is all

Please eMail me at batwaynes@yahoo.com and tell me who did this song and where I can get a digital copy of it.

Thank you.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Journey

2009-09-30T12:27:00.003-06:00

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 23
Journey

NO, I am not about to whip out the lyrics to Faithfully, Open Arms or even Separate Ways. That would be nice to see, but you can go look them up yourself. Hell, pull out an old cassette tape, if you want.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (and, of course, Aerosmith) told us “Life is a Journey, Not a Destination…” I think we can all pretty much agree that this is a true statement. But this journey sometimes seems to take a lot out of us. And for the majority of us, this journey we call life is not always a Sunday ride through the country.

There are bumps, potholes, detours, washed-out bridges, seedy motels, unscrupulous characters, overpriced gas stations and bad parts of town on this journey. It is actually amazing that everyone just doesn’t take the next exit and leave. Sadly, some do. Some stay forever in that seedy motel, because the weather got bad. Some just drive into a bridge abutment and end their journey all together.

It is those of us who aren’t afraid of all of the aforementioned travel pitfalls that ultimately realize how great the journey is and was regardless of the snags along the way. Some of the problems we encounter are our own fault. We often don’t keep our vehicle (our mind) properly maintained. Many of us disregard the warning signs, orange barrels and even the dude at the side of the road flapping a flag at us.

Sure there are hard times during our travels, but what about all of the scenic by-ways, friendly passers-by, green lights, sunsets and rainbows that we are able to experience. What about the laughter of children, the acts of kindness and roadside farmers’ markets we come across. These things all make the journey worthwhile.

With all of that being said, I would like to disagree with old Ralphy Boy. Well, less disagree and more expand upon what he said. I do believe in the journey versus destination idea on a general level. I think that life is more accurately described as a series of legs on the journey and multiple destinations.

We all hated the “car vacations” when Dad just wanted to drive straight through. “Let’s just get there,” he said. Well, Dad had one destination in mind while we were sitting in the back seat watching all the other cool destinations whiz by our very eyes. Amusement parks, restaurants with giant cowboys on top, zoos and other cool stuff became pinpoints of missed opportunity to our young, wanting eyes.

Very few people embark upon life’s journey and ride straight through to death. On our life journey we will stop many times at many different destinations. That doesn’t mean, however that we stop growing. If you stop at a destination of marriage and family you (hopefully) end up taking those people with you on the next leg of your overall journey. Friends, co-workers, clients, shrinks, clerks at a store one frequents, and other people we meet also become voyagers with us on our grand journey, in full or in part.

[quick side note] How do we travel on this proverbial journey? I would have to say we are all on motorcycles. We are each in charge of our own journey, but as people join and leave us for any given leg they don’t jump on with you – the ride along side. Maybe we are actually all in tractor-trailers. How else would we carry all of our crap? Ah, let’s stick with the motorcycle version… it’s cooler.

Today 6,787,381,261 people are either on a leg of their journey or at one of their destinations. Many of them are on an extraordinarily tough leg of their journey with only the faintest clues of what their next destination might be. They are leaving their last destination that may have seemed a wonderful place at one point in time, but has recently turned into one of those bad parts of town out of which they absolutely had to pull themselves.

When leaving any of your destinations (whether people come with you or stay behind) you have to figure out what you learned while you were there – good AND bad. As you don your leathers and straddle your iron horse, you have things to think about and ponder. The time at your last destination may have taught you “what your priorities are in life, what you do and don’t want out of life and what your strengths and weaknesses are.”

That is what is known as baggage. We all have it and, even though the connotation is bad, there is baggage that is good. From both adversity and fortune grows strength. You just have to learn from the situations in which you found yourself at your last destination. Even if you have no clear idea of your next destination, you have to be able to point your handlebars down the correct road, the road of love, honesty, loyalty, sincerity and personal responsibility. If you stay on that road you will also find reverence, hope, thrift, charity, moderation, hard work, courage, gratitude and – of course – friendship.

Staying on that road, you will find that the ride is smoother, the weather is nicer, the gas is cheaper and true friendship is more abundant. As I have already said, in all actuality, we never really know where our next destination is. We have a feeling of where we would like to go, but regardless of our intentions, weather conditions change, bridges wash out and sometimes you even hit a toll road. Sometimes that bad stuff happens within us; sometimes it is external. It is our job to figure out how to deal with it and how to (hopefully) learn from it. That is the journey.

An old Chinese Proverb says: “To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping.”

So, as you embark on the next leg of your journey: ride safe, be true and may the sun and the wind always be at your back.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS Here a couple of quotes I love, but didn’t use:

“All of life is a journey – which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there.” – Anonymous

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.” William Feather

For you.