NYE 2011

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 11
NYE 2011

Is it already New Year’s Eve, 2011?

Really?

Another year is gone?

What the frack?

The grocery clerk asked me as she scanned my groceries (that sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it…LOL). Anyway, she asked me if I was ready for the New Year. I told her that I still wasn’t ready for the one that just passed.

I wasn’t really trying to be clever or cute. As always, I was just being honest. I’m NOT ready for last year. My God, it seemed to go by so quickly! I don’t even think I have even made a resolution for 2011 yet. I guess that is OK. That means I haven’t broken a resolution for 2011 either! Woo Hoo!

It has been a strange year for me: different than any other. There has been a lot of death surrounding me. It has been hard. Twas not nearly as hard for me as for immediate framily of the lost souls, but still kind of… just not good at all.

A Search and Rescue subject, a friend, a client, two grandmothers, a friend’s dad, two uncles, a semi-grand father of my son and (if you go into 2010 when the trend started) a cousin and my boss have all passed. Am I forgetting anyone? I may have lost count. So many.

I know I have written some this year about cherishing your relationships and the people in your lives, so I won’t harp on that. Just do it. Don’t let the people who mean the most and who have always answered your call fade from your life. You might realize one day when it is too late that you missed something special and beautiful.

So, what should I write about this New Year’s Eve?

FEELINGS? I pretty much feel the same and I'm sure you don’t want to hear me whine on NYE.

SHOPPING TRIUMPHS? I just got a pair of brand new $150 walking shoes for $20 (both prices include tax), but I'm sure you don’t want to hear any bragging on NYE.

MUSIC? I received Chris Isaak’s newest (double) album for Christmas from Hillbilly Mom, but I'm sure you don’t want to hear about music that only I like on NYE.

BOOKS? I have only read one book this year (The Great Divorce - C.S. Lewis) and I’m sure, on NYE, you really don’t want to hear about my reason (I’m lazy) and my excuse (I need reading glasses) for reading only one book.

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS? My failings are definitely something I'm sure you don’t want to hear about on NYE.

MONEY? Tis about the same and I'm sure you don’t want to hear about my tax returns on NYE.

LIFE & DEATH? We’ve already covered that and I'm sure you don’t want to hear anymore about that on NYE.

WORK? It is fine and a mess simultaneously and I'm sure that is something you don’t want to hear about on NYE.

BOOZE & SEX? Nah!

Maybe the best I can do for my 2 or 3 readers is to just wish you well and quote Harry Morgan as Colonel Sherman Potter on M*A*S*H, “Here’s to the new year. May she be a damn sight better than the old one was.”

Happy New Year!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Tomorrow

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 10
Tomorrow

Here we are again. Another month has passed and I have written nothing.

Unfortunately, this edition of Wayne’s Words is going to start out much the same as too many have over the past 12 months.

Someone close to me passed away earlier this month: an Uncle this time. I cannot believe the number of people close to me that have crossed over in the past year. It seems like every time I turn around or get a phone call… This has been a tough year on my friends and family.

Maybe as you read this, you will begin to realize how fleeting life is. I know we all say that we understand that concept, but I don’t know if we actually do. One day you can be talking to someone close to you and the next day…they are never coming back. You may have meant to see someone or give them a jingle and the next thing you know…they aren’t there anymore. We really need to cherish the people in our lives and treat them right and realize it could all be over tomorrow.

Tomorrow. That is an interesting word when talking about this subject. Tomorrow. It is not guaranteed. There is no way to promise tomorrow, is there? “I promise I will call you tomorrow.” How can we promise something that is so uncertain and mostly out of our control? Tomorrow may never happen. Tomorrow indeed does not happen for approximately 151,600 people each day on our planet. To those people crossing over it may or may not mean anything. What happens for them after they die is a completely different subject. The sadness and loss felt by those of us who are still here are what we can observe.

Let’s say each of us has a family and friends network of about 500 people (without technology - such as Facebook and twitter). That may sound like a lot, but this would include family (immediate and extended) co-workers, clients, people you talk to every day at the convenience store or coffee house, etc. That comes out to about 75,800,000 people on this planet that lose someone they care about each day. And that is about equal to the number of people living in California, Texas and Illinois combined! Crazy!

I’m really not trying to be a downer. What I am trying to say is that we should cherish each moment of not only our lives, but also the lives of those about whom we care. We don’t need to start saying “I’ll call you tomorrow – if we are both still alive.” That would just suck for everybody and it sounds like a line from a lame “buddy-cop” movie. I think it would be important that, as we make that promise, we just keep in the back of our mind the fact that tomorrow may never come. We shouldn’t start living like there are no tomorrows either. We should just realize how precious tomorrow actually is. We should continue to live for today and plan for tomorrow. Live with the thought and the hope and the joy of the coming tomorrow and treasure it when it arrives.

I know. “Duh, Wayne. Tomorrow NEVER comes for anybody. Today was yesterday’s tomorrow, but now it is today – it’s never tomorrow.” That is just a silly word game. When we are speaking of real life; the first part of the sentence is so true. Today IS yesterday’s tomorrow. I thank God I have it.

As we enjoy our holidays and the feasts and the presents and the gatherings and the parties and the camaraderie, pull those you love close and let them know just how special they are to you. Do it today.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS I made up a word this Thanksgiving. Its definition is: people in your life who are not blood relatives, but who are much closer than just mere friends. The word is FRAMILY. I made it up, not because I was being sappy, but because it is so much easier than saying “I am going to my friend’s folks house for Turkey Day. They are like family.”

“I’m going to spend the holiday with Framily,” is sooo much easier.

Adrift

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 09
Adrift

A couple of weeks ago another person close to me passed away. This time I mourned the loss of the Father of one of my best lifelong friends.

Funerals are such strange events. There are so many tears and broken hearts and at the same time there are many smiles and lots of laughter.

As we cry about our loss, we also smile as we reflect upon the good times that were shared with our loved one.

Thoughts of our own mortality also rise to the surface with so many questions and so few answers. After a while, the internal Q&A seems to focus not on when or where we will die, but on the services. Will people remember me? Will anybody actually show up? Will they shed tears? Will they smile at memories? Will people remember me as a good person?

I know that I have had thoughts about all of this and I have had conversations with countless others who have pondered the same things. I am sure there are also people who don’t care and live their lives with no conscience or remorse about mistakes or guilt about people they may have hurt, as long as they had fun. Those are not the kind of people with whom I associate.

Then there is the dream. I’m not even sure if it is a dream…or was. Maybe it is a thought. Maybe it is a waking dream. It is one of those thoughts that are hiding behind things like a dream almost remembered. Understand my confusion? Anyway, it is something that rattles around in my brainpan.

I want to try to remember it. As I write this, it is Halloween Night and it seems like as good a time as any to try and rip this nagging beast from my subconscious. So, please indulge me.

I’m alone. Not lonely, but all alone. There is absolutely no one else. I remember being afloat. Not effortlessly like weightlessness, but more like floating and treading water. I know it takes some level of work.

In fact, I am in water. I’m in an immeasurable ocean and there is no land in sight in any direction. Every horizon I look toward is vast and distant. All horizons curve with the shape of the Earth and there is not a single dot of land anywhere.

It is not water now. It has turned. I cannot see beneath the surface. It is opaque. It is like I am adrift in a sea of black ink. It is like the color of crude oil, but the consistency of water.

The sun is overhead, but it is not at all hot. It only sheds light. In fact, as far as the temperature of the air and the liquid is concerned, I am quite content. I squint as I look into the sunlight reflecting blindingly off of the liquid’s surface and notice that there are indeed objects floating nearby. I try swimming toward the, but I make no progress. All I can do is tread “water” and stare at them.

Some time passes and I notice one of the objects has drifted within reach. I grab for it and pull it toward my body. I now have something to keep me afloat. It is unrecognizable. It is just an object. As I float with my arms flung across this…thing, I try kicking my way toward other pieces of who-knows-what, to no avail.

More time passes.

I see something in the distance. Not on the horizon, but still very far away. It is a boat. It looks familiar. It doesn’t look familiar because I know the difference between a trawler and a cuddy cabin. I don’t actually know anything about boats: I looked up those two aforementioned boat classifications. It doesn’t even look familiar, actually. It feels familiar. I scream and wave, but cannot be seen or heard. It is strange, because I can plainly hear laughter and other sounds of happiness over the distance, the sound of the motor and the sloshing of the “water.” Whoever is on the boat seems very happy and carefree.

More time passes and so do more distant boats. The boats are of different sizes. All with the familiarity and happiness of the first. All of the boats seem to have the same inability to see me adrift. More objects float closer to me. I pull them in. Though I cannot tell what these objects are at this point, they don’t seem to signify any material possessions. (If any of you have seen my “stuff” outside the dream, you know it is all a hodge-podge of used furniture and electronics.)

More time passes.

I am growing very weary. Though I have these objects to help keep me afloat, keeping my head above “water” is proving to be quite a task. The sun is in the same place that it has been the entire time. The boats that pass seem to just happily disappear over the horizon.

I am here.

Adrift in the black.

Alone.

I try sleeping. It doesn’t work. I just lose my hold on the objects around me and begin to sink in the black “waters.”

More time passes.

As I look down at the debris that floats around me, it all begins to take shape. What I have thought was flotsam and jetsam from a shipwreck turns out to not be that at all. They are all pieces of my past. There are letters I’ve written and received, drawings I’ve done, poetry I’ve scratched down and music I’ve loved. There are things I’ve made. Dinners I’ve cooked. There are items that always held a place in my heart: a quilt, a stuffed animal, photographs and so on.

Some more of the debris become distinguishable. It is not as pleasing to see. Before my eyes a heart, a brain and two other things that have no recognizable shape materialize. Though they have no real form, I know that they are a mind and a soul.

Then I look at that over which my arms are flung. It is a body. I look up the body and see the head. I don’t want to believe what it is. I am not sad or afraid. I just don’t want it to be what it is. How can it be what it is? The body is mine. The face belongs to me.

I am the flotsam and jetsam.

And the dream ends.

That is the freaky dream that was tucked away in the recesses of my mind. I couldn’t pull it all forward until I started typing this blog. I guess it is pretty fitting that I wrote this one on Halloween.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Ranger Smith

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 08
Ranger Smith

Hello, again. Remember me?

Not much has been going on really: ups and downs, certainty and uncertainty, lost and found, black and white, yin and yang, salt and pepper. The usual: for me, anyway.

Today, I was with our Search and Rescue squad taking care of security for Las Cruces’ First Annual “Strut your Mutt” at Young Park. S. Y. M. was a paid, organized dog walk to raise money and awareness for Best Friends Charities, the Dona Ana County Humane Society and Spay/Neuter Action Program.

Our job was to make sure the perimeter was secure, help out with set up and what-not here and there: pretty much a walk in the park.

I drew the straw to get to drive out SAR Team Polaris Ranger 6-Wheeler so, I didn’t actually have to walk in the park. I generally do get to drive it and, for that, I am very thankful. As a side note: I must say, I REALLY like driving the Ranger. It is a good thing it is not actually mine, because you people might never hear from me again. I would be out in the wilderness ALL the time! Camping? Psha! I would just be out there driving the Ranger on any trail that was open to me.

Anyway, since I was the one on the mule, I did a lot of hauling of folks and their stuff for their different booths. No worries. Glad to help out. I also took out my garage P.A. system to be used for – you guessed it – Public Announcements.

At about 6:50 in the morning, we set up a perimeter as best we could with flagging tape, got everyone started with their booth set up and began our patrol. Just so you don’t think we are Nazis, the park was permitted for this purpose, there was a paid entry and if anyone was hurt it was on our watch. For all intents and purposes it was not a public park from 7 am until 1 pm.

Early on, we had a few people wander in and, when we told them about the function, they were gracious and went on their merry – outside of our perimeter. As they morning progressed, however, the story began to change.

I still cannot believe the way people act. These days there seems to be no respect for authority. Scratch that. There seems to be no respect, period. (Did I need to end that sentence with an actual period after saying the word period or was the word period…?) Anyway, here are some highlights:

• I told one woman and her 4 children my nice spiel about the animal charity fundraiser and she looked at me and said, very nastily and rudely, “I know! We’ve heard it ten times!” In front of her small children she acted like this. I told her (not quite as nicely and a bit more loudly than I had been talking to her), “If you’ve heard it ten times, you should be gone then. Since you are not, his is time number 11 and now you have to leave.”

• There were the two men who were about my dad’s age who were told, as they entered the park, that there was a gate up front. When they got there and found out that they had to pay, they decided that, if they walked the course backwards, it was free. I saw all of this unfold and drove the Ranger around to where they were. My nice spiel was given and they got crappy. Snottily stating their disbelief that the park was our and that they were just passing through. (Where we were was not a “just passing through” point.) I told them a bit more firmly, that indeed the park was permitted to us and that they need to leave. He continued to hatefully state his disbelief. I told him again that it was true and (quite sarcastically) that he could be in the part of the park that was not roped off. “See all those brightly colored boundaries that make it look like people are to stay out? Well, you can be anywhere on the OTHER side of that.”

• There was the lady and, I suppose, her very young granddaughter. Nice spiel with the added, “If your little girl was to get hurt…my responsibility…blah, blah, blah.” Actually, I was VERY nice to this lady and she responded. “Well, if you’re going to be like that… I will just leave.” I told her I wasn’t being like anything and, as I repeated my spiel with the injury addendum, her little girl nearly fell in the lake! Two times! The “lady,” giving me the stink eye, continued, “I was just up at the booths and I donated money!!” I told her I understood, but, without an orange wristband, she had to leave or go acquire one. At this point, the little girl nearly fell in the lake again! Ignoring her little girl, the “lady” continued, “I know and we feed the feral cats at my trailer and this is ridiculous!” I told her that I had no way of knowing whom she knows or what she does at her trailer. I told her I was not clairvoyant, but I did know that she had to leave.

Those are just a few instances. There was some incident with perceived “gang-bangers,” but I believe I was eating a Caliche’s hot dog at that time and was not involved. Maybe someone can share that experience in the comments section.

Let’s face it, I am just Wayne. I don’t really command much respect or authority. I’m not muscle-bound; I’m far from tough looking. In fact, unless I am making someone laugh with bawdy, self-deprecating humor: I am generally invisible. Today, however, I was dressed appropriately & driving an official vehicle inside a cordoned off area. I even wore my binoculars to look a bit more official (LOL). My fellow SAR Team members joked that I looked like “Ranger Rick” (though I prefer Ranger Smith from Jellystone National Park). I would have thought that we would have no issues. Especially since it was an animal charity – who doesn’t love and respect animal charities? I was wrong – again.

Many people just don’t care.

Many people just don’t respect.

And there seems to be more uncaring and disrespectful people than there used to be. The troubling thing was that most of the problems came from people who were 30 years old or better.

I don’t know about people any more.

I guess I really never did.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS I would like to mention the nice, neck tattooed, young man and his wife (I’m always hoping for the best) who came to snag a table for their son’s birthday party later in the day. Spiel was given. They were gracious. They even had a pit-bull with them and hated the fact that people blame the breed for bad things. They also decided to participate, but discovered that they only had five bucks left until payday. They gladly went and grabbed a table outside the boundary. As we were closing up, he offered to help take down the flagging tape. He wanted some of it to hang party decorations. Then he gave us the aforementioned five dollars and asked that we give it to the cause. Beautiful.

Maybe there is hope.

Hot!

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 07
Hot!

So, here I am again.

Blank screen.

Blank mind.

I wonder why I cannot think of things about which to write. Maybe it is the damned heat.

I generally don’t complain about the weather, because (generally) it changes. I also don’t want to be one of THOSE people who complain about the heat all summer and about the cold all winter. But, dammit, it has been hot.

This summer seems to show no real signs of slowing down. Even when you throw in the much needed, late summer rains we started to receive after nearly 100 days of absolutely NO moisture; it just does not seem to be getting any cooler! Ugh.

Although I work in advertising, I don’t sit in a big, fancy, air-conditioned office looking at storyboards and pitching slogans all day. That’s the “big time.” I am in advertising, but it’s the “small time.” I am driving around all day visiting clients: taking pictures of their vehicle inventories (which are sitting in the sun), hanging out in their non-air-conditioned garages or workshops, etc. Riding around in my air-conditioned car is nice, but every time I get in and start it up (which is around 60 times a day) the interior has already heated back up to half a billion degrees.

You might think that my house might be some refuge, but it is a hot box! I am thinking about contracting my place out with the federal prisons to put the really bad criminals in here for 24 hours. It will sweat the mean right out of them! The ancient refrigerated air –conditioner on this joint doesn’t seem to do much good. There is a vent in the biggest room in the house that doesn’t blow. That keeps the main living area from cooling down, so at the end of the month all I have is sweat stains on the couch and a $300 electric bill. Both disgust me.

The Boy has gone back to Wisconsin, so I have reinstated my own method of keeping myself cool around the house. When I get home from work, I just strip off all my clothes and sit perfectly still. Remember “ugly, naked guy” from “Friends?” That’s me! Unlike the never-seen-sit-com character, however, I keep my curtains closed. I do that so that the sun doesn’t heat the place up during the day and so that I don’t offend any neighbors who are unfortunate enough to have a window facing my place. Let’s be honest: I care less about offending them than I do about becoming fodder for their jokes and ridicule. If they do happen to catch a glimpse – at least it is WARM in the house and not cold…

So it’s hot. Big deal. I make adjustments. We make adjustments. ‘Tis kind of like life: sometimes it seems unbearable, but (in all actuality) it’s not. It is just somewhat uncomfortable. Adjust. Deal with it. Go about your business. Hope for a change in the weather.

That’s all I have for now. Plus, I have to dry off my keyboard, because even my fingertips are sweating all over the place.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Out of Reach

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 06
Out of Reach

Every time I sit down to “blog,” the computer screen is just so blank. It glows and waits for me to electronically spread across it ink that is filled with wisdom or wit. Then a cat hair that seems to be stuck between the T and Y keys of my keyboard distracts me. I am finally able to extract it and look back to the screen. It is still blank – except for a hundred T’s and Y’s that are the result of me retrieving said cat hair. I delete the gibberish and the blank stares at me again. My mind feels just as blank as the screen.

My son is asleep in the other room. Before he arrived for the summer, I hadn’t seen him in a year. I must say (of course), “My, how he has grown.” He is 14 and he is sure he is right about everything. I suppose that is the age. All in all, he is a good kid. He is extraordinarily intelligent, super creative, hysterically funny, very attractive… and he realizes none of these things. It is as if he doesn’t want to be ANY of these things. He sets out to prove to the people around him that he is not any of these things.

I try to advise him. I try to guide him. I try to compliment him. I try to encourage him. It is all met with resistance. We had an argument the other night about school. It wasn’t a big knock down drag out; it was just a normal argument. When it was over I told him, “Son, I will always correct you and I will always advise you. I do it because I am your Father and I love you.” Of course, that was met with a groaning sound that only teenage boys can produce. I continued, “Son. You will always hate it until the day you realize that I was right and then you will be glad I was here.”

I know this boy is capable of great things. I don’t know what else to do to help him realize that. I love him so much. I wonder if I have been too permissive over the course of his childhood. I wonder if I have been too strict. Have I been too honest with him about things? Have I not been honest enough? I worry that my expectations pressure him too much. I wonder if I have not given him enough indication of my expectations. Should I even have expectations? Should I just let it all unfold and let him figure it out as life passes him by?

All I know is that I love him and believe in him with all of my heart.

I just wish I could reach him.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Mid-Mo

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 05
Mid-Mo

OK. So I officially missed a May installment of this blog. So, sue me. I guess I will just have to do two this month. Yikes! That seems like a lot of work.

I guess May’s edition did not happen because I was actually having fun. Yes, you heard me: I was having fun.

• I treated Hillbilly Mom to what seems to have been a good Mother’s Day.
• Hillbilly Mom went on a 10 day trip to Mount Rushmore. (That was fun for me, because she was having fun.)
• I got to spend an awesome 3 day weekend with the most wonderful woman ever!
• I went out on a couple of Search & Rescue Trainings and at least one dramatic and successful SAR Mission.
• I was invited to spend time with old friends in El Paso and enjoyed good company, food and beverage.

All in all it was a good month. Finally, it was a break from the, seemingly endless, consecutive months of bad news. Then June hit. Ugh.

June started with a call concerning my Paternal Grandma. She’d had a stroke. It wasn’t looking good. As the hours went by, I decided (with the encouragement of my girlfriend) that I had better get up there. Flying was out of the financial question. It would have been more than $1,000 when all was said and done (including rental car and gas and such).

So, Thursday afternoon I dropped my paperwork on my desk; stopped by mi casa; packed a bag; and hit the highway. After driving the rest of the day and through the night, arguing with my GPS, dealing with some strange liquid falling from the sky (someone said it was called rain) and fighting off the chokehold of fatigue, I arrived in Mid-Missouri.

I am still not totally positive that Grandma knew I was there. It seemed like she did, but I am not sure how much memory she will retain. I hope she remembers. It was very good to see the family again - especially Dad. It is funny. All of those people look exactly the same to me as they have my entire life. Even Grandma in her hospital bed just looked like Grandma to me.

Dad and I were able to spend some good time together. We would stop by the hospital and spend time with Grandma and then do errands that had been put on hold, pick up an Aunt that needed a ride from Booneville, go back to the house and get Granddad to cart him over to see Grandma, etc. It was nice to get to hang with Dad – even though the circumstances were not the best.

These things often become family reunion-ish and I was able to see quite a few of my Aunts and Uncles. We actually spent more time laughing than we did crying. Funny things were said, silly stories about Grandma and Granddad were told, etc. I even forgot how silly Missouri is when it comes to signs and names of things: Kum & Go (a convenience store), Dick’s Liquors, Hookers Restaurant, The Testicle Festival (an actual event), etc.

I left early Sunday and headed back to the great Southwest and, after maneuvering through many detours (some by the highway department – some my own ;), I made it home and got back to my office about the same time of day I had left four days earlier. I think I drove close to 40 hours in those 4 days – that’s like a whole work week.

After a couple days of rest I received word that a close “friend” of mine is making some horrible life decisions and seems to be going down the wrong path. Oy Vey! Will it never stop? I will do my best to advise and help that “friend,” but so much is dependent upon the decision to live a great life and to do great things… that is something I can only suggest and hope that my “friend” makes the appropriate changes.

I hope so.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Perfection

WAYNE’S WORDS

Volume 5 Number 04
Perfection

I have been seeking it for about three years now. Searching for it started out as a lark. It was just something to do – a challenge. I have tried utilizing the help of others, but have found that the quest seemed more rewarding on my own. It takes time. It takes study. It takes concentration. It takes solitude.

As I have searched, I have come close, but never getting exactly the right one. The one that makes me smile. Hell, even laugh: happy to be alive. Alas, I have achieved it. I have found it. I deserve it for all my years of trying. Finally, I have perfection.

This shirt is perfection and I will tell you why.

A few years ago Kohl’s Department Store started sending me $10.00 gift cards in the mail. I am sure you have seen them. It is a card that is valid for $10.00 off of any purchase at Kohl’s. These cards can be used on ANYTHING in the store: regular priced, sale priced and even clearance priced items. As far as Kohl’s is concerned, it is $10.00 cash. Just so you know, these aren’t “Kohl’s Cash” cards that I received for spending more than a certain amount. These were just sent to me in the mail. I am sure many of you have received them.

When I first started getting them, I would skip down to Kohl’s and pick up a pair of jeans or something for The Boy, get ten bucks off and “tra-la-la” on my merry way. I was pleased as punch for saving ten bucks.

Then the cards began arriving in the mail every two to three weeks and friends and family began giving me theirs, since they weren’t going to use them. After the boy was stocked up on clothes, I figured, “why not treat myself?” So, I started shopping for things that I needed.

Now, when it comes to my own needs, I am not lavish. I buy from clearance racks and do quite well. So, I found a pair of pants or something clearance priced at $25.56, whipped out my card and made my purchase. With the total being only $15.56 (plus tax) Out Of Pocket, I felt like I had won. Ah, but the game was barely beginning.

As I drove home with my $16.00 (approximately) pair of dress pants or whatever, I started wondering how close I could come to a purchase that was exactly $10.00 including tax. I decided that I would try and achieve that very goal. The Perfect Purchase! Since it had now turned into a game, I figured I should make some rules.

1. I had to buy things that I needed or liked - no skinny jeans, male thongs, sandals, chilled salad spinners, laser guided scissors, etc.
2. No fudging on clothing size just to achieve the goal – squeezing into a pair of size 11 shoes would be cheating. I actually wear size 12. ;)
3. When I received a card, I HAD to use it. If I was not going to be able to achieve the goal before the card expired, I could NOT just toss it. That is like throwing away cash! A purchase had to be made.
4. A multiple item purchase was allowed – a $4.00 pair of underoos and $6.00 T-Shirt… well you do the math. The goal WOULD be achieved.

As I said, I have come very close to the goal, but not quite achieving it. In the mean time I have gotten some incredible buys! Really!

I have acquired many dress shirts for work, each for less than $10.00 Out Of Pocket. The latest being a nice shirt AND tie combo for $4.38 O.O.P.

I have purchased jeans for myself for $8.56 O.O.P. Oh yeah, I even got a pair of Levi’s 501s for $1.07 O.O.P!

I went in one Saturday, not realizing it was “back-to-school-tax-free-weekend,” and walked out with a pair of black, wing-tipped, dress shoes for $1.00 O.O.P! ONE DOLLAR!!!

I have been able to get many casual shirts and fun T-shirts for dirt cheap, usually arriving home with a couple at a time for less than $10.00 O.O.P.

Hell, I even started wearing the underpants style, manufacturer and material I now sport because I grabbed 4 or 5 pair off the clearance rack and paid less than $12.00 O.O.P. I now have 12 pair total and sill have NEVER paid even Kohl’s full price for them.

Once I had two cards that were going to expire at the end of the business day, so I needed a second buyer. The store’s rule is that only one card can be used at a time and, in my experience, the managers get a bit steamed if you go to your car and come back in for another purchase with a card.

Anyway, I decided I was going to get The Boy and me each a “Callahan Auto Parts” T-Shirt (from the movie Tommy Boy) – they were on sale for $9.99. I picked up Hillbilly-Mom and told her she could be my shopping accomplice on this run. We each went in, grabbed a T-Shirt and got in line. When I handed the kid at the register my $10.00 card, he told me that the purchase had to be OVER $10.00! Sonovabitch! He may have been lying to me, but I was NOT going to lose!

Everything in the store was more than $10.00 that day (except these T-shirts – and I wanted THESE T-shirts! Hillbilly-Mom and I searched the store and could not find anything priced low enough to keep the game interesting. At one point (in the store) I actually shouted, desperately, “KOHL’S WILL NOT BEAT ME!”

Then I saw the clearance bin in house wares. Red cloth napkins on clearance for 86 cents each. We dug until we found two – one for each of our purchases. Then I remembered the rule – and a set of TWO napkins is not useful. I had to have AT LEAST four! After more digging, we finally found two more! This time I shouted triumphantly, “KOHL’S CANNOT BEAT ME!” Two shirts and four red cloth napkins – less than five bucks O.O.P.

Fast-forward to my most recent $10.00 Kohl’s card shopping trip. I went into Kohl’s (duh), armed with my card and ready to do some damage. I looked. I searched. I sought. I circled the store several times on my quest. Each time I passed the clearance rack, the blue shirt (pictured above) beckoned to me. I refused it several times. I was just about to give up and get a couple of novelty T-shirts, when I decided to go have a gander at that blue clearance shirt that continued to haunt me.

I went up to it slowly. I looked at the tag from a few feet away and could read that it was my size. As I got closer, I realized that I did like the color, pattern and cut. Although it was a Van’s hipster shirt, it was reminiscent of a couple of things in my life: my country & western roots and my love of rock-a-billy music. As I looked at it longer, I realized that I really liked it.

Then came time to check the price tag.

Clearance Price……….$10.00!

Angels dropped from the ceiling playing songs by the Stray Cats on their harps!

A single tear fell from my right eye.

Could this be?

The angels’ rock-a-billy music stopped abruptly.

No. I don’t think so.

After the Callahan Auto Parts fiasco, I had pretty much given up on the quest for perfection. You see, I previously figured that if I could find something for $9.30, with the tax added on, it would come to an even $10.00…perfection. The jerk on the Callahan trip ruined that idea.

I figured this was as close as I could get to what I thought was perfection so, I went up to the register with the $10.00 shirt, my $10.00 card and a one dollar bill (for the tax).

The girl at the register scanned the shirt: “$10.00.”

She scanned my card: “-$10.00.”

The register showed “Total Sale $0.00,”

Then my brain remembered math at the same time the register displayed the sales tax. 7.5625% of zero is… ZERO!

“Here you go, sir. Thanks for shopping at Kohl’s”

I barely heard that last part over my own laughter.

Perfection had been achieved!!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

SYSTEM OVERLOAD!

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 03
SYSTEM OVERLOAD!

As I write this installment of (what has now become) my monthly blog, it is the 31^st of March. Dammit, I gotta hurry before I miss getting one in THIS month.

For any of you who are counting, I have now had someone fairly close to me die in each of the past 5 months: my boss in November, a cousin in December, a former co-worker in January, a client in February and my “Mexican Gramma” Emma in March. I am almost afraid for another damned month to start.

I have written about holding your loved ones close, about keeping or getting in touch with friends and family, about not passing up the offer for time spent, etc. To tell you the truth, I am all out “spawned-by-recent-deaths” wisdom. I think I may have used it all up. My Wisdom Insight Central Processing Unit needs time to recharge. SYSTEM OVERLOAD!

I have been following my own advice though:

• A couple months ago my Mom, Emma and Jo Lynn (her daughter) invited me along for dinner. I was tired and passed up the invitation. However, on my way to the house I decided I was being stupid. I showed up at the restaurant and we all had a grand time. I think that was the last time I hung out with Emma before she was in the hospital. I’m glad I did.
• I took a FEMA test that was required of me by the state to be in Search & Rescue that I should have taken years ago. No more procrastinating (except, obviously, for my blog).
• A couple of weeks ago, I watched a favorite movie with someone very dear to me. Granted, she lives a thousand miles away, but we turned it to the same channel and talked and laughed during the whole thing. Much like the scene in When Harry Met Sally, when they were watching Casablanca, “Channel Please.” Twas almost like we were sitting right next to each other. Almost.
• I called my buddy today, because I heard a Loverboy song on the radio. I only called him to remind him of an old adage - any time you here a Loverboy song on the radio, it’s gonna be a good day. I don’t know who said that, but he must have been VERY wise. ;)
• Yesterday, I went for my annual physical (that I have only had every couple of years since I turned 40). Spent nearly an hour with the doc. I had him run just about every test on me that he could. I will get the results on April 6^th. I may or may not let you know what the outcome is.
• I have continued to keep up with my biweekly chiropractic appointments (he is installing a spine) and also biannual dental check ups. =D
• I will be getting the aging peepers check within the next 10 days. After 44 years of better than perfect vision, I’m beginning to look like a trombone player when I’m reading.
• I also take plenty of downtime for just “me.” Time to relax or sing in the garage or go for a drive or read or watch some tube. It is important that you have that time to yourself. It keeps you from going absolutely bonkers.

Anyway, these instances are in no way a “hey look at me and how cool I am.” They are just examples to illustrate to you that I am following my own advice. I am trying to practice what I preach. I know there are a couple of things that I need to stop doing and a couple of things that I need to start doing, but, all in all, I am trying to treat my blog as Brad Hamilton told Jeff Spicoli (and surf friends) to treat the “no shirt, no shoes, no dice” sign in the window of All-American Burger. “Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.”

Take care of the people you love and most of all, “take care of you.”

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Again, sorry this is so short, but I am wiped out and it feels like the water behind my eardrum is returning. Sonovabi…

Content As A Cow

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 02
Content As A Cow

Here we are, at the end of another month. I did not believe it when my Dad told me, and my Son does not believe when I tell him: time ticks by MUCH faster as you get older.

I turned the ripe old age of 44 this month. I guess, from what they tell me, I am now middle-aged. I hate that, because it kind of (by definition of the word) puts an expiration date on me.

This first month of my 45^th year (I think that is the way the math works) has been an odd one.

• It started with the coldest 3-day winter the great southwest has seen in recorded history (as far as I’m concerned).
• I was given birthday gifts, meals, drinks and such from friends and family. All of which made me feel quite special, but just having their friendship is gift enough. No, that does NOT excuse future gift giving – I still like presents!
• I lost another person in my life. This time a client passed away. She was a dear woman with whom I would often chat about the town of Petersburg, Illinois. That’s where my folks are from, basically.
• I reconnected (again) with someone from my past for whom I care very deeply.
• My Son had two giant, perpetually infected tonsils removed, which evidently made his voice drop another 2 octaves.
• I received a refund from the stupid government. Twas enough heat to throw at my small, but seemingly unmeltable (I know it is not a word, but it works) debt snowball. Be patient, Wayne. Be patient.

I really don’t have anything comical to write about or any little nuggets of wisdom or any poetic platitudes to impart in this edition of Wayne’s Words. I’m 44. That is about it.

As a young version of myself imagined his future, where I am is nowhere near where he thought he would be at the age of 44. To quote Mike Damone (Fast Times at Ridgemont High): “I woke up in a great mood; I don't know what the hell happened.”

For me, that quote is more than half in jest. I would say it is actually about 83% jest. Though I am not where I thought I would be, I don’t hate where I am. Sure, on occasion I get a bit melancholy, but that is just the nature of my internal wiring. Really, where I am is ok by me for now.

• I am not rich; but I make decent money and can pay my bills. Even if I sometimes have to go on my $10 a day financial diet.
• I’m divorced and have no romantic relationship; but I can do what I want – even walk around the house naked.
• My incredible Son lives 1400 miles away; but he is safe, in a good home, in a good community and in a good school. The best and hardest decision I ever made was to allow him to move to Wisconsin.
• I don’t have a fancy car; but what I have is fun, clean and gets me to where I am going.
  
• I live in a little townhouse that hasn’t really been updated nor repaired since it was built, in the 1970s; but it shelters me and is actually “home.”
• I’m not the guy with the bowflex body; but I’m not fat. Actually, as scrawny as I look, I do have a little bit of a beer belly thoughI rarely drink beer anymore. I may even have a muscle or two, but they only show themselves when really needed.
• I’m not the cover-of-magazine-handsome, but I am not the most hideous man around.
• I am not a pillar of the community, but I do what I can by volunteering with Mesilla Valley Search and Rescue.

I guess I could go on and on with this list, but I will stop. I guess I am just trying to say that, for now, I am content.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

The only thing I am not really that happy with is this edition of my blog! Does this one blow or what?

Time Flies And Then It Is Gone

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 5 Number 01
Time Flies And Then It Is Gone

A Month has already passed and one-twelfth of the year is gone! Wow! The time just flies. I hope this coming month is brighter than the past few.

In November, my friend/boss passed to the great beyond. In December, one of my cousins left the world. In January, a friend/co-worker from long ago answered God’s call. And, just yesterday, our Search and Rescue team went to the Gila Wilderness on a body Search and Recovery mission. My team was the group that found him; in fact I was first on scene. Not because I am especially good, I just happened to be the front guy on my squad running up the hill with the helicopter pilot.

There are other people (once or twice removed from me through friends) who have passed recently, but the aforementioned folks were all closely connected to me. (The man in the Gila was because I was on the discovery team.) The grim reaper has just been putting in some overtime close to me.

Just keep in mind that there may not be a tomorrow – for you or someone you love. I don’t mean to sound fatalistic; we just seem to forget that. As I may have mentioned before, I am not the type of person who says “live every day like it is your last day on Earth.” If we did that nothing would get done. There would just be a lot of debauchery happening. Oh. Wait. For a lot of people that IS the way they live. For the rest of us, we still have things to do.

However, maybe we should all try a little less procrastination when it comes to telling those close to us that we love them and how much they mean to us. Maybe you don’t have time to go on a trip with your friend – how about a dinner instead. If there is no time for dinner: maybe a cup of coffee. If there is not even enough time for that, then maybe you could just have a nice visit on the phone – voice, NOT text! I think you get the point. We all need that contact with the people we love. A phone call about something silly can tell someone you care as much as a whole Christmas holiday can.

We should also work at comforting and liking ourselves. I have gotten very good at that. I have really learned to like myself – hell, I love myself. Get your minds out of the gutter! (OK maybe not totally out of the gutter.) I have spent the last couple of years getting reacquainted with me and I found out that I am a helluva guy. In addition, I have been making great strides in bettering my life. I have not made all the changes I want to all at once and some are slower transmogrifications than others, but I am doing it.

The way I see it, how can the people I love value my feelings for them if I place a low price on the way I feel about myself? Now, I am not talking about becoming someone I’m not, nor will I turn into one of those guys who think that they are God’s gift. We have all met those guys and they are just dicks. It is good to be yourself unless you are one of those. They are the people who need to actually change.

Anyway, after you read this, maybe you will call someone you haven’t talked to in a while. Maybe you will make some time for coffee or dinner with a buddy. Hell, maybe a trip with friends is possible. All these things are good for both you and them. And if someone should pass away, maybe you will be able to say “I just had coffee with him the other day and we laughed and laughed.” Instead of “He wanted to hang out last week, but I just didn’t have the time.”

Until Next Time,
Wayne