WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 02
Hard to Swallow
Well, here it is, nearly the end of my 42nd year. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that means I will be turning 43 VERY soon.
I really don’t have a big problem with my age. It is just that as you get older you tend to look back. Am I missing out? Did I miss out? Could I have done something more? Less? But, for a regular guy, just tryin’ to get by, I feel I have actually done quite a bit in my life. I have:
- Fathered a wonderful child,
- Been in a rock and roll band,
- Been on TV (local &
- Been in the newspaper,
- Been in a movie (not an adult film – just a low budget flick)
- Been on ABC national radio news,
- Been a guest on a
- Had my own morning radio show,
- Worked for a semi-pro sports team,
- Owned my own business,
- Visited and lived in other countries,
- Driven around a good portion of the
- Met celebrities from A-list to Z-list,
- Saved a life or two,
- Been richer,
- Been poorer,
- Made lifelong, incredible friends,
- Been in love (maybe too many times…LOL)
And a slew of other things that (at least) I think are cool.
It is not that I am worrying about getting older. It is just, especially when one is alone; the idea of “maintenance” crosses one’s mind as one gets older. I mean, no matter how jaded, one would still hope for a loving companion and one cannot attract someone by turning into a troll.
Evidently, since I am (gulp) IN my 40s, I should be taking all kinds of supplements to help keep me from becoming all troll-ified.
- Multi-vitamin/multi-mineral combination - Because we just don’t get enough.
- Fish oil with 2000 mg DHA and 3000 mg EPA - To lower blood pressure, keep the heart from blowing of the chest cavity and maybe boost the health of the melon.
- Vitamin D3 in the cholecalciferol form - To boost the immune system, so I don’t get bone-itus and so my internal organs don’t fall out.
- Hydrochloric acid - To ward off indigestion, heartburn and Gastroesophageal REFLUX disease. And I thought I was just burping once in a while!
- Arginine, ornithine, and glutamine - To increase the output of the body’s own growth hormone and testosterone levels. I wonder if we can make it concentrate on only growing a certain area. I thought my testosterone was just lower because I wasn’t using it.
Those are the doctor recommended supplements, not prescriptions – that is different and a bigger bag of worries. A bag that I (luckily) do not have right now.
But, what about all the other supplements advertised on the radio and TV to help fight getting old and the accompanying troll-ification?
- Glucosamine – so you can move.
- Beta Sitosterol – so the prostate doesn’t balloon up.
- Garlique – so you can be as heart healthy as Larry King.
- Gingko biloba – evidently we get “stupider” as we age.
- Hundreds of different pills for the dingaling – apparently after 40 it doesn’t work often enough or long enough, it is too small, and (according to some of the ads) doesn’t produce enough volume!
There are so many! I would never be able to eat if I took them all, because I would be so full from ingesting the damned pills! Maybe I will just stick with a good ol’ Flinstones Chewable. 10,000,000 and growing!
I actually wonder if all these things are really going to do anything. Maybe it is a trick and all these supplements are actually sold by companies owned by a funeral directors’ union. They sell us these “supplements” which, rather than help us, slowly embalm us over time, thus making their job easier when we arrive on their doorstep.
Oops! I must have forgotten to take my Oblivitol this morning. It is a supplement (I ordered it from a seemingly reputable internet pop up ad) to keep one from sweating the small stuff AND the big stuff of daily life. Of course, it has some side effects: fabrication of wild conspiracy theories, drooling, anal leakage, extreme thoughts of urinating in public, acute OCD, sexual side effects, loss of digital dexterity…
Until Next Time,
Just So long as you dont kick the bucket from downing so much Pillz.
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