Hard to Swallow

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 02
Hard to Swallow

Well, here it is, nearly the end of my 42^nd year. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, that means I will be turning 43 VERY soon.

I really don’t have a big problem with my age. It is just that as you get older you tend to look back. Am I missing out? Did I miss out? Could I have done something more? Less? But, for a regular guy, just tryin’ to get by, I feel I have actually done quite a bit in my life. I have:

• Fathered a wonderful child,
• Been in a rock and roll band,
• Been on TV (local & El Paso),
• Been in the newspaper,
• Been in a movie (not an adult film – just a low budget flick)
• Been on ABC national radio news,
• Been a guest on a Tulsa morning radio show,
• Had my own morning radio show,
• Worked for a semi-pro sports team,
• Owned my own business,
• Visited and lived in other countries,
• Driven around a good portion of the U.S.,
• Met celebrities from A-list to Z-list,
• Saved a life or two,
• Been richer,
• Been poorer,
• Made lifelong, incredible friends,
• Been in love (maybe too many times…LOL)

And a slew of other things that (at least) I think are cool.

It is not that I am worrying about getting older. It is just, especially when one is alone; the idea of “maintenance” crosses one’s mind as one gets older. I mean, no matter how jaded, one would still hope for a loving companion and one cannot attract someone by turning into a troll.

Evidently, since I am (gulp) IN my 40s, I should be taking all kinds of supplements to help keep me from becoming all troll-ified.

• Multi-vitamin/multi-mineral combination - Because we just don’t get enough.
• Fish oil with 2000 mg DHA and 3000 mg EPA - To lower blood pressure, keep the heart from blowing of the chest cavity and maybe boost the health of the melon.
• Vitamin D3 in the cholecalciferol form - To boost the immune system, so I don’t get bone-itus and so my internal organs don’t fall out.
• Hydrochloric acid - To ward off indigestion, heartburn and Gastroesophageal REFLUX disease. And I thought I was just burping once in a while!
• Arginine, ornithine, and glutamine - To increase the output of the body’s own growth hormone and testosterone levels. I wonder if we can make it concentrate on only growing a certain area. I thought my testosterone was just lower because I wasn’t using it.

Those are the doctor recommended supplements, not prescriptions – that is different and a bigger bag of worries. A bag that I (luckily) do not have right now.

But, what about all the other supplements advertised on the radio and TV to help fight getting old and the accompanying troll-ification?

• Glucosamine – so you can move.
• Beta Sitosterol – so the prostate doesn’t balloon up.
• Garlique – so you can be as heart healthy as Larry King.
• Gingko biloba – evidently we get “stupider” as we age.
• Hundreds of different pills for the dingaling – apparently after 40 it doesn’t work often enough or long enough, it is too small, and (according to some of the ads) doesn’t produce enough volume!

There are so many! I would never be able to eat if I took them all, because I would be so full from ingesting the damned pills! Maybe I will just stick with a good ol’ Flinstones Chewable. 10,000,000 and growing!

I actually wonder if all these things are really going to do anything. Maybe it is a trick and all these supplements are actually sold by companies owned by a funeral directors’ union. They sell us these “supplements” which, rather than help us, slowly embalm us over time, thus making their job easier when we arrive on their doorstep.

Oops! I must have forgotten to take my Oblivitol this morning. It is a supplement (I ordered it from a seemingly reputable internet pop up ad) to keep one from sweating the small stuff AND the big stuff of daily life. Of course, it has some side effects: fabrication of wild conspiracy theories, drooling, anal leakage, extreme thoughts of urinating in public, acute OCD, sexual side effects, loss of digital dexterity…

Until Next Time,

Wayne

New Year

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 4 Number 01
New Year

Well it is 2010 and has been for five days now. It is going by so fast. I hope that this year is better for each of you than last year (whether 2009 was good or bad – my wish for you is the same).

I realize I haven’t done this thing since Christmas Eve. Sorry, just haven’t been inspired and plus I was spending all my spare time with kith and kin.

But it is a new year, right? Right.

I will be another year older in exactly one month (at the time of this writing) and for my birthday the City of the Crosses will begin enforcing a new law. No cellular phone use while driving unless it is hands free. It seems like a good law on its face – many people cannot talk on the phone and drive. Most people cannot text and drive. Some of us have the capability of doing both and, more importantly, we know when we can and cannot. So it is a law governing all of us because some of us are incapable. What else is new?

It got me thinking, though, about other activities that occur while a vehicle is in motion: activities which may or may not be governed by specific laws. All of the things I have listed below I have either witnessed or even (I admit) done myself.

• Eating a 2-fisted Go Burger burrito.
• Eating a full combo meal.
• Eating a bowl of cereal.
• Drinking a 64 ounce soda.
• Drinking hot coffee.
• Putting on mascara.
• Applying eyeliner.
• Curling eyelashes.
• Caking on lipstick.
• Curling hair with a portable curling iron.
• Brushing hair.
• Brushing teeth.
• Blowing nose.
• Picking nose.
• Trimming finger nails
• Filing finger nails.
• Painting finger nails.
• Q-tipping ears.
• Cleaning eyeglasses/sunglasses.
• Cleaning up trash.
• Throwing Trash out window.
• Wiping window.
• Cleaning dashboard.
• Punching address into GPS.
• Changing radio stations.
• Changing CDs.
• Scrolling through iPod songs.
• Singing with or without music.
• Reading newspaper.
• Reading Stephen King novel. (Saw it once!)
• Reading album liner notes.
• Reading directions.
• Reading billboards.
• Finishing homework.
• Looking at scenery.
• Gawking at accident.
• Staring at attractive people.
• Petting dog.
• Smoking cigarette.
• Self pleasure.
• Pleasuring the passenger.
• Having someone’s head in driver’s lap.
• Having someONE in driver’s lap.
• Talking to passenger.
• Arguing with passenger.
• Yelling at other drivers.
• Reaching back and slapping kids.
• Swatting at flies.
• Taking off jacket.
• Putting on jacket.
• Changing shoes.
• Tying necktie.
• Changing random garment.
• Resting foot on dashboard.
• Drumming on dashboard.
• Playing steering wheel like a guitar.
• Adjusting mirrors.
• Adjusting seat.
• Setting watch.
• Setting the car clock.

I am sure there are more that I am forgetting. Remember, I drive around all day and each of these items (as I stated earlier) I have either witnessed first hand or have done myself. I believe the majority of these things have no specific law governing whether they can or cannot be done (on a line by line basis). Maybe instead of outlawing any one thing specifically (as long as it is not already an illegal act) they should just put into place a law against driving while distracted (DWD).

With that law, if you are doing whatever extracurricular activity and still driving well, no infraction – since you are obviously not distracted enough to adversely affect your driving. If you are driving poorly and doing something besides holding your steering wheel at the 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock positions –TICKET!

For all I know, such a law may already be in place. Whatever, I don’t really pay attention anyway.

Happy motoring!

Until Next Time,

Wayne