I'm Freakin' Out, Man!

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 19
I'm Freakin' Out, Man!

I am truly losing my mind. I am going crazy. Nutso. My brain pan is leaking essential fluids. Almost completely off my nut. I am just losin’ it. Ask my shrink, I am sure she would be glad to corroborate this.

My not-so-sudden and inevitable drop into Lidsville does not come from the sources many of you think. The loss of my love certainly adds to it. And my psychosis is definitely amplified by the return of my son’s disrespectful behavior. Both of those, however, pale in significance when compared to that which is driving me to the loony bin. My hair is getting even thinner because I am ripping it out by the handful.

The malady from which I suffer seems to be chronic and it has daily flare ups which result in intense panic attacks. The psycho flares generally happen later in the day as I am driving home. My mind starts backtracking over the day. Trying to remember where I have been - more importantly, where I have driven. I start wondering if I was going the speed limit or if I made a complete stop behind the line before turning or if I entered the intersection just a tad too late.

It is these damned red light cameras!

In all actuality, I do NOT have a fundamental problem with them. They are just tools that law enforcement is using. LCPD cannot have an officer at every traffic signal pulling over bozos that do not know their colors. These cameras are a lot like radar guns were in the 70’s. I remember people complaining about them when they came into wide use – again just a tool.

I actually drive pretty close to the speed limit. I am generally quite knowledgeable about red meaning stop and green meaning go. I am very good at applying the aforementioned knowledge. I am a pretty courteous driver. You know, just like in my non-automotive life: I am a nice guy. Sure, I occasionally get very irritated when someone is driving like a moron. Of course I make vehicular mistakes. But, generally, I abide by the rules of the road.

It is not the fact that they are in use that bugs me. It is the uncertainty about whether I will be getting a ticket for a hundred bucks or not. If there was indeed a police officer at the intersection and I was going too fast, or didn’t stop then turn, or was in the intersection when I was not supposed to be I would hear sirens, I would be pulled over, I would get a ticket. Done. I would pull away a bit pissed off, but I would have a ticket. With these cameras it is a waiting game. I believe it is like 10 days. (Ask Chris from my office. He knows.) It is that waiting that kills me.

Any infraction of the red light rules by me is going to be in that very slight, gray area if it occurs at all. I stop behind the line on red, give it a two to four second count before pulling forward. But did I stop far enough behind the line? Of do they mean nose of car behind the line and not wheels behind the line? Is it only a stop if you cut off your engine and sit for a couple of hours? I also find myself praying to the traffic gods to just turn the damned light red before I get there so I can just rest easy. Being first or second in line at a red assures that you will not be speeding through the intersection and that you will be going through when it is green.

When I am coming up to a green light, I feel that there is a point of no return. Once past that point it is more dangerous to stop than to go through even if it turns yellow. I saw a pick up truck the other day go past that point. The light turned yellow and what did the driver do? He jammed the brakes to the floor and brought the truck to a screeching, skidding stop. I do not think that is safe or acceptable. I cannot and will not do that.

It was fifteen minutes until five this past Tuesday morning and I turned left at a RLC (red light camera) intersection. I know I was in the intersection when the light was yellow, but I don’t remember when I entered it. Was it still green? Was I past the point of no return? Was I going too fast? I just plain do not remember. And I have to wait for ten days to find out. My stupid mind thinks about events just like that one everyday. It tries to retrace all of my driving from that day to see if I made a mistake. If I drove to my office and from my office, it would be easy. I drive all day long and trying to recreate the route would look 100 times worse than one of those stupid FAMILY CIRCUS comics where they show where “Jeffy” has been all day with that dumb dotted line behind him.

Waiting for ten days to see if I am getting a ticket or not is just going to send me to the rubber room. Why can’t these things be more like the Moral Statute Machine in Demolition Man. “John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.” Except ours would spit a ticket out of your car’s CD player slot and say “John Spartan, you are fined one hundred credits for a violation of the RLC Intersection Statute.” At least you would know right then. Plus, I have found that depending on the USPS (especially in Las Cruces) is futile. Since the fines are so damned steep, maybe they could FedEx the tickets to us. That would be ALMOST immediate.

Anyway, if you pass an accident scene and it is my car smashed into a bridge abutment, just know it finally happened and I finally snapped – I finally lost it. Speak highly of me and tell the driver of the hearse to run a few of the reds in memorial. Crap… they get to anyway. Oh well.

Until Next Time,

Wayne