Mystery Machine

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 15
Mystery Machine

OK. As you three or four followers of this blog already know, we have a mystery on our hands. “The Case of the Cyber Stalker.” If you don’t come back to the blog every day and read the new comments, you are generally missing out on good comedy and advice and such. Last week, however, you missed out on the mystery person from my past. So, if you didn’t already, go back now and read all the comments from the last blog: Volume 3 Number 14. It is in the list just to your right, if you want to read all the fun ones too, but in this blog I will paste the comments pertinent to this mystery. At first, I thought it might be a gag or one of my friends trying to make me feel better about myself and my worth, but with the evidence now at hand I am sure it is all legitimate.

I will recap a bit. The last blog was about me feeling blank, due to recent events in my life. Well, that pretty much sums it up. And now the mysterious comments:

“The Stalker” said... I stared at you- watching me- burn against the sky- your face was pink from the sunset- you made me feel alive. A cold wind brushed my shoulder and tried to make me die- so I said I should let you go and I tried not to cry. I have never understood the term "simple goodbye"- goodbye is not that simple with that staying look in your eyes. "Wayne's Words" Do you still dance? -June 9, 2009 6:38 PM

This was the first comment from the person affectionately dubbed “The Stalker” by my coworkers. I was thrown for a loop, because of the “Wayne’s Words” quote. Did I write that poem at some point? The dance question immediately put a time stamp on when I knew this person. It had to be pre-1993.

I said... I cannot answer the question in COMMENT #4 until I know who wrote it. –Wayne -June 10, 2009 6:28 PM

That was me – wondering.

“The Stalker” said... Then anonymous wouldn't be anonymous any more would it? Does it make you think? Make you wonder? Give you something to put on that blank canvas Mr. Van Gogh? You use to love to dance! Do you really want to know who...or is it more fun not to? -June 10, 2009 9:14 PM

Um…yes, it makes me think and makes me wonder. Again, the time stamp is solidified with the dance question. This time I was baffled by the Van Gogh reference. It was mentioned in a previous comment. That made me think one thing but, as I will explain later, I was wrong.

I said... I don't dance anymore, but I still sing. - Wayne

June 10, 2009 10:54 PM

‘Nuff said. My co-workers then asked for “The Stalker” to reveal their identity via a backdoor email to the site administrator because I was driving them crazy.

“The Stalker” said... Wayne, Stop driving your co-workers nuts! I am not one of them, I promise! Think about it...it will come to you! -The Stalker (I like the nick-name by the way) Co-workers: How much do you think he'll pay as this goes on? :) -June 11, 2009 4:30 PM

No real clues in this post.

I said... I have to think. For a man of my advanced years it is difficult to remember much of my past. The time frame that comes to mind is pre-1993. This may take a while and may require past life regression hypnosis. Although this is giving me something to think about, not much is fun during this particular juncture of my life. Some of you know why - others can guess. If this is a joke or just some ruse to make me feel like I am...I don't know...something: thank you. I appreciate either or both. I need to sleep. – Wayne -June 11, 2009 10:08 PM

This was me, starting to have ideas. I was not trying to blow off the whole game. I was, as always, just being truthful about my life.

“The Stalker” said... WOW...didn't mean to cause you pain...you seem to have enough of that already. You were a wonderful part of my life! I'll let you go. Don't worry anymore. I thought I could take your mind off your pain of the present with a little trip though the past. Sorry! It didn't work that way. This is my last post. Best of everything to you Wayne! -The Stalker -June 11, 2009 10:19 PM

No pain was caused by these proceedings. I just want to make that clear to everyone. It was nice to hear that I was actually a pleasant part of someone’s life. Of course, leave it to me… the only guy on the planet that can screw up a relationship with a stalker. Way to go, champ!

I said... I just woke up in the middle of the night and saw that you are done posting. No pain was caused, but oh well. In fact, it WAS giving me a bit of a diversion from the present course of things. I am glad I was a pleasant part of your life - that is always cool to hear. I was not actually WORRIED about anything; I was just trying to pinpoint whom, of 5 possible (dance) candidates from my past, you might be. –Wayne -June 12, 2009 1:06 AM

I said... Oh, and by the way...I would have paid upwards of six or seven dollars to find out from my co-workers who you were, had you told them. -Wayne June 12, 2009 1:08 AM

Since I was stupid enough to ruin the flow of clues from the stalker I need super sleuths to help me unravel this case. So, I am calling upon the best case crackers in the business.

Shaggy and Scooby-Doo

LET’S MEET THE CANDIDATES

(names have been omitted to semi-protect the semi-innocent).

#1 THE DANCER/HAIRDRESSER/CO-ED. This was my early college girlfriend. SHAGGY SAYS - yes, because she and I often used to go to Juarez and dance until the sun came up. SCOOBY SAYS - no, because she does not live here and really would not be able to find my blog – it doesn’t come up on Google searches under my name or anything.

#2 THE ARTIST/CO-ED. This was my kind of later college girlfriend. I thought the Van Gogh pointed to this one, but light was shed and I found out a co-worker posted the first one and “The Stalker” referenced it. SHAGGY SAYS - yes, because she and I had some very good dance times. SCOOBY SAYS - no, because (even though I was always head over heels with this woman) we could seldom get our timing right AND the same reason he said #1 was a no.

#3 THE FOOTE. A girl I dated one summer in Missouri. SHAGGY SAYS - yes, because she and I used to go on the dance boats that cruised on the lake almost every weekend. SCOOBY SAYS - no, due to his same reasoning as #1 and she and I did not part on the best of terms.

#4 THE MODEL/NURSE. This was a post college girlfriend that I almost asked to marry me. SHAGGY SAYS - no, because there is no real recollection of the two of us going out dancing. SCOOBY SAYS - no, because of that and his same reasoning as #1.

#5 THE ROCK SINGER. She was in a band from El Paso. SHAGGY SAYS - no, because besides a few nice moments the two of us never really dated. SCOOBY SAYS - yes, because although we did not date -we danced a whole helluva lot and sometimes the dancing was like dating. Hee hee hee hee.

#6 THE COWORKER/ROCKER. First we worked together, and then we had a relationship…twice. SHAGGY SAYS - yes, because the two of us would always dance. SCOOBY SAYS - no, because I have run out of Scooby Snax and he refuses to help anymore.

SHAGGY AND SCOOBY-DOO’s FINAL CONCLUSION:

It was Old Man Withers

the owner of the

haunted amusement park!

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS After pleadings like this from my co-workers:

My Boss said... Dear stalker, just a few clues for us would be nice, this has become quite a fun game for us at the office. List of clues: 1) are you male or female, 2) do you know any of Waynes co-workers, 3) when was the last year you saw him, 4) are you one of his imaginary friends, 5) if Female were you born this way or surgically altered, 6) when you first met Wayne did it involve money and a lap dance? -Vic - June 12, 2009 3:39 PM

and

Site Administrator said... Dear Stalker, Maybe we should have called you admirer. No offense. Comment back, we need to pick on Wayne some more. -ADMIN - June 15, 2009 12:41 PM

The Stalker Resurfaced!

“The Stalker” said... OK, to answer your questions... All female and born that way! No improvements, enhancements or alterations aside from tattoos and piercings! I don't know any of his current co-workers but I do know some from the past. The last time I saw him...he didn't see me...a year ago- oops I'm stalking again :) I will be real when he figures out who I am...til then...imaginary! No lap dance on the first meeting but I think I gave him a couple free of charge! -The Stalker - June 15, 2009 4:23 PM

BLANK

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 14
BLANK

It is way past time for a new blog and I am suffering from blogger’s block. I know that this blogging thing is really just putting one’s stupid thoughts on paper (or screen) and is not like writing a novel or anything, but…

I just sit here looking at this stupid monitor and it is so……. BLANK.

I guess that should be my blog for this installment – a blank screen. That is exactly how I feel – BLANK.

I don’t need to bore you with gory details, but I recently lost something and without it I feel BLANK.

I am at one of those points in life when I just don’t even want to “BE.”

I am not suicidal – that is stupid and I am not an idiot.

At this point I just do not want to BE. I feel like a twisted Dr. Seuss book…

I don’t want to BE
in my house.
I don’t want to BE
with a mouse.
I don’t want to BE
here or there.
I don’t want to BE
anywhere.

I don’t want to BE

in a box,
with a fox,
in a house,
with a mouse.

I don’t want to BE here or there.
I don’t want to BE anywhere.

Etcetera, etcetera, rhyme, rhyme, rhyme.

I actually feel like I want to just lay in a hammock and drink beer and listen to sappy songs by Chris Isaak or James Taylor until this BLANK feeling goes away. I know that is a futile attempt at fixing the BLANK, because that will only make the BLANK grow bigger. Hell, if something on me is going to grow bigger I would rather it was something other than the BLANK.

I guess that there are actually a few uses for the BLANK:

• I could tell someone to go BLANK themselves.
• I could fill in the BLANK.
• I could play a BLANK tile in Scrabble.
• I could be shooting BLANKs.
• I could stare BLANKly into space.
• I could stop giving a flying BLANK.

OK - only a few uses. When I started typing that part I thought I would be able to come up with a whole helluva lot more and end up being funny, but my mind went BLANK.

I got nothing else, except this quote from High Fidelity (actually that whole damned movie is worthy of one set of quotation marks capturing everything from the beginning to the end. It is one of my favorites.)

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

Until Next Time,

Wayne