Christmas

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 29
Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, throughout our small home
There was all kinds of noise, and the house I did roam.

The dryer was tumbling, the dishwasher ran too,

So I climbed into bed – what else could I do?

One cat and the dog were asleep with The Boy,

I hoped they were dreaming of much Christmas joy.

I tucked myself in, Seinfeld on my TV

I was all cozy, just my remote and me.

When outside my window was a noise that went “thump”

And when I first heard it – it caused me to jump.

No reason to get up because I knew the sound,

A loud system, a low-rider, tailpipes scraping the ground.

Christmas Videos were on VH-1

So I changed the channel to listen for fun.

There were songs about reindeer, presents and snow

And Jesus and Santa and Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho.

I thought off and on while Christmas songs played

I’d be glad when bad memories of this past year would fade.

It’d been so filled with heartbreak, oh so stressed

But our home became stronger, and with love we were blessed.

I thought of my son growing bigger each day

And when he was small on my chest he would lay.

Now almost a teen, he’s a genius, so smart

And filled with compassion, he has a great heart.

So, whether you’re close or far apart

Show family and friends and kids your true heart.

Just let them know that you love them all true

And real Christmas cheer will flow through you.

Merry Christmas

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Thanks

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 28
Thanks

Well, it is a chilly Thanksgiving Morning. Actually, I have not gone outside. Hell, I haven’t even gotten out of bed, but it seems cold outside. The bed is soooooo toasty and comfy. Got The Parade on the tube, blankets all wrapped around me and I even have company in the bed. Yes, the dog and the two cats are sharing in my Turkeyday laziness. What? Did you really think it was a woman in bed with me? No sexy, fun time here - just us fuzzy beasts enjoying the Macy’s tradition.

I am going to keep this short as I do need to get up and dressed pretty soon.

I just want everyone to have a Happy Thanksgiving and I hope that you all enjoy your family and friends.

There is one thing I would like to remind everyone to remember. Life is very uncertain and ever-changing, so be sure that you cherish the moments that you have with the people that really matter. The ones who really care for and love you and for whom you feel the same; the ones who turn to you and to whom you turn; the ones who have always been there when you needed or wanted – those are the people who really matter. Hold them close, whether in person or in your heart, because the reality of life is that in the blink of an eye they can be gone.

Someone said “life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.” I disagree slightly. While the “moments that take our breath away” are great and memorable, I believe that the best parts of life are the comfortable, happy times that are spent with the people we care about. It may be just a smile over a cup of coffee, a look and a kiss before drifting off to sleep, a story at bedtime, a hug when you need it, a raunchy joke at an inappropriate time or just sitting and talking. These are the moments that are truly our lives - and while they may not “take our breath away,” they are comfortable and warm and they matter most. They are moments when you are just breathing.

Today, I am thankful for those times in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Housekeeping

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 27
Housekeeping

The other day I was finishing up all kinds of chores. It had been a long list with a lot of other life things mixed in. Needless to say – I was tie-yurd. The last thing that needed to been done take The Boy’s clothes out of the dryer, fold them and put them away. Thank God! It had been such a long, hard week and I just wanted to be done.

As I was taking his garments from the dryer, I kept noticing strange gunk on his clothes. The first couple of shirts to come out with the crud on them raised no real alarms – he is a 12 year-old boy after all. Then more. And then more. What the hell? Finally, I just pulled all of his stuff out into a basket and… OH NO! I stared into my dryer. I then blinked my unbelieving eyes trying to make the horror go away. It stayed.

The inside of my dryer was black and gummy! When I say “gummy,” I mean it. The entire dryer drum and interior back was coated with GUM! The Boy had left two, brand-new packs of gum in the pocket of a pair of his jeans and the dryer super-heated it and spread it like frosting all over the interior.

I tried a sponge to slow or no avail. Crap! I only know of one thing to cure this. I went to the garage and got the WD-40. I took off the dryer door and proceeded to coat the gum with the wonder spray. Miracle or not, WD-40 still took a long time and a lot of scrubbing. I would be done – then see some more gum. Then I would be done again – then see some more. Finally, I got all the gum out, but I was then left with a dryer (and subsequent lint) that was coated with a petroleum product. Can you spell fire?

I pulled out the unit so I could take off the back and clean out any WD-40 soaked lint. Mom had been telling me for some time that I should clean out the back of the dryer due to some possibility of fire or something. When I pulled off the back, I then understood what she was talking about. It was so full of lint I could have made a king-sized quilt.

Finally, two hours after the initial gum discovery, I was done. All gum, WD-40 residue, and lint was cleaned out of the dryer. It is actually a good thing this happened. If the gum had not been in there I may have never gotten around to taking off the back of the dryer and we could have been a statistic in the “dryer caused house fire category.”

It is kind of like life I guess. You attempt to solve an immediate, very visible problem and you end up discovering that there was a giant blanket of lint clogging up the works and creating a fire hazard all along. Hmmm.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS Yesterday I was rearranging my room to move something in there – something that would benefit me. I had giant bookcases to empty and move. I had to try the bed in every position to see if I could make the new piece fit. I had to make nightstands. I had to rewire cable. Finally, after a long time (10 hours), it all came together.

I guess that is like life too.

The One?

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 26
The One?

It is very strange to me how a story about a king, that is an allegory (someone said that was the best literary term for it) about learning and becoming a better man during the course of one’s life, can lead to a comment-debate about me and women (or lack thereof). (See Wayne’s Words Volume 3 Number 25 – King & comments)

You all have seen through me! Alas, I drink from the well of bachelorhood – once again.

I will clear things up. Historically women have not stayed. Hence, I AM alone. I DO NOT have anyone.

Debate settled.

-Wayne

I said that in the middle of the comments to blatantly let everyone know my “status.”

I know why, in almost every case, I have been left. After the subsequent depression, I take that information and try to learn from it. Sometimes I misinterpret and end up going overboard one way or another in my next relationship. Nonetheless, I do try to learn from all of my experiences in life.

I have come to the conclusion that I should totally be myself. Scars, wounds, insecurities, flaws and all. The “one” will love me, not just in spite of those things, but also (partly) because of them. I also know she is out there (I am a hopeful romantic). She is somewhere.

God, cupid, the cosmos, magnetics, moon wobble, harmonic convergence, or whatever the force that brings two people together is called, will eventually bring us into each other’s lives - or maybe not. You aren’t just going to one day be in Albertson’s and simultaneously reach for the same avocado as someone and realize that she is the one. But then again, you actually might just one day be in Albertson’s and simultaneously reach for the same avocado as someone and realize that she IS the one. It is very hard to meet your soul mate, but when it happens it is actually very easy.

I don’t know when it will happen or even if, but I like to hope that it will. Maybe it already has and I did not recognize it or she did not recognize it. Maybe I am just a short time thing for women. Maybe I am just a launch pad husband/boyfriend for women to end up in a better place. Maybe I just have not taken the right road on my journey yet. Maybe… I don’t know.

What I do know is that I have had happy times in my life with women. Unfortunately when those times end it hurts me very deeply. I am told it is because I love with ALL of myself. (Keep your sexual snickers to yourselves!) I have been told that I give my entire being to my love and I wear my heart on my sleeve (generally) and that is why the end of a relationship is always hard on me.

I like being in love and I believe in giving all of myself to my lover. Ergo, I will not change that aspect of the way I love. I do have to realize that when and if I have another woman in my life that if it ends – it will indeed hurt like a sonovab(*&#. I guess that is the way it goes for me.

For now I will keep my eyes and my heart open for “the” one.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS I was going to do something much lighter, but you kids started this train of thought with your comments. Plus, all of the Halloween stuff is on Facebook. ;)

King

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 25
King

For you.

Once upon a time, in a kingdom, in a faraway land…

A king without heir was lying on his deathbed. He knew that soon he would pass and his beloved kingdom would fall to his evil enemies.

He ordered the royal couriers, by the thousands, to go to the farthest reaches of his rule to deliver a simple message. In a fortnight, all the best men of the kingdom should report to the royal palace for an audience with the king.

The subjects under this particular king's rule were very loyal. He was a great king and true to his people. Were he not born to his throne he surely would have elected. He was loved.

On the day requested, thousands of men from the kingdom reported as requested. The king, as sick as he was, interviewed each of the men individually at his bedside while each was pampered as if he were already king. During each interview the subjects were given the best food, drink, song, massage, shave and other luxuries afforded a king.

After all of the interviews were over the king told these men, via messenger, to wait outside the palace gates while he made his decision. He met with his advisor who happened to also be his royal wizard. Then he was given a potion and the king slept for a month.

When he awoke he was brought to the veranda to address these fine men. He spoke...

"While each of you possess certain qualities of a king - some of you with more, some of you with less, I am sorry to say that none of you can be my successor"

"A true king would never think he was the best man and, therefore, would not have come. For a king must be humble and know he is only as great as his subjects."

"You may think I would now choose a man who did not come. But, alas, I cannot. For a king also must not be so intimidated as to not stand up."

"So who should be king? Well, unknown to you all - as you were being pampered so was every man who stayed behind. I then gave the trimmings and clippings from each man to the royal wizard and for the past month he has worked his magic to bestow upon you your new king."

An ordinary looking man stepped out onto the veranda to join his highness. He was normal in every way and he bowed to the king and even to the men before him.

The king continued, "This man is your new king. He is the best man to sit in the throne because he is indeed all of the best qualities of each man in the kingdom and because he comes from each one of you he is indeed only as great as his subjects."

Having said his peace, the king slumped and with his last ounce of strength he handed his royal scepter to his successor. Then he exhaled, one last time, and he passed.

The crowd gasped.

And the new king wept.

The End.

I have, in my life, learned from every great person I have met. I have even learned from the not so great people I have met. I have tried to take the knowledge – the “trimmings and clippings” – and make myself a better man.

Every day, though it doesn’t always feel like it, is better for me and for the man I am to become. Sometimes I slip and take a fall. However, one of the most important things I have learned from the people I have known is to get back up and continue my journey.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS I haven’t heard anything on that stupid song. I guess, like a lot of things, I am just going to let it go.

Mix-Tape Death

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 24
Mix-Tape Death

I have had several thoughts on what this edition of Wayne’s Words might say.

I was going to give you a list of my likes and dislikes. Suffice to say I like lots and lots of stuff. I dislike some stuff. Done. Actually, I will still do it, but later.

I could tell you that I have been working on chores and such all weekend, but you probably have already guessed that since I have no “special” one to go do fun things with.

I could tell you that recently I have been the loneliest have been in a couple of months, because the person I want to talk to most - I cannot.

But, Friday night something came up to supplant all of those thoughts: a mix-tape.

It started when someone I hold very dear mentioned they heard (Don’t Go Back To) Rockville by R.E.M. and was reminded of a mix-tape that was playing in my truck 20 years ago. What a memory! It must have really meant something. Well, I stated that the mix-tape in question was currently in the cassette deck in my garage and that I still listen to it when I am piddling.

I really like this mix-tape. It was made for me in the late 80’s by “#2 The Artist Co-Ed” (reference: WAYNE’S WORDS - Volume 3 Number 15 - Mystery Machine). It was a bunch of cool tunes that I didn’t really know at the time, because I was mostly listening to Van Halen, Aerosmith, ZZ TOP and the like. Thank you #2 for opening the door to even more music for me to like (now I actually like almost everything).

Anyway, after discussing this 22 year-old mix-tape, I decided to do something I have always wanted to do. I (or someone else in my stead) was going to have it made into a cd before the tape finally suffers from a dirty-deck, music-eating death historically suffered by many celluloid masterpieces. If you have lived long enough to know cassettes, you know what I mean. I am surprised the damned thing has lasted this long.

It would be easy enough to make a digital version of the mix-tape with all the resources like Rhapsody, iTunes and such out there in cyberspace at our disposal. Piece of cake.

As I said previously, 22 years ago I didn’t know the music on the mix-tape. As I listened over the years and my musical vision and horizons broadened I pretty much came to know all of the artists on the mix-tape and, subsequently, other music from them. So. To start the digital process, all I had to do was compile the list of songs. Eezee Peezee Lemon Sqeezee.

The songs on the mix-tape by artists I didn’t know or was not sure of would be easy to find. Just pop a lyric into the search engine of choice and presto! I went through and did this for every song on the tape just to make sure all of my titles, spellings and artists were correct.

There was always this one song on the tape that I could never figure out. It is a nice song about lost love or a leaving woman or whatever, but I never knew whom it was by. Well, that one came up and I happily hopped on the interweb and punched in a portion of the lyrics and……….nothin’! What? Every other song on the mix-tape came up with 50 billion matching results in .00013 nanoseconds! Why is this song so damned special?

I spent an interweb eternity searching for this song. I tried different search engines, searches within sites, sub-searches within sub-sites, etc. Still, nothing. I even went as far as to type the entire song into Microsoft Word – copied and pasted the whole thing in the multiple search engines and….STILL NOTHING!

I searched the interweb for nearly 2 hours. If you cannot find something on the web in that period of time – the damned thing does not exist. I was about to make the whole mix-tape, my cassette deck, my garage; both my vehicles and my whole house cease to exist, because I was soooo frustrated! GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I worked on this late Friday night and part of Saturday! The more I worked on it the more aggravated I became. In addition to the web searches, I even contacted and sent the lyrics to the person who gave me the mix-tape! No luck. Oh, she got back to me, but she had no clue what artist did the song! (Before any of you get your hopes up of me “finding” someone – she is happily married and living on the east coast.) I have since eMailed her the list of all the songs on the mix-tape in hopes that the compilation will help jog her memory. I haven’t heard back yet.

I had decided that the song is by an indie-label group at best. More than likely a regional or circuit band that played on campus in Corbett Center or something and #2 bought their cd/tape at the show. I can just kind of tell these things from the quality of the recording (it is too clean), the arrangement of the song (every stringed instrument has a solo so each player gets to be showcased) and the fact that it does not exist in cyberspace. It was probably a little bar or campus band that scraped together a few hundred bucks and went to the recording studio in their hometown and said, “We wanna make a demo.”

I was about to burn down my house in frustration when a reprieve came in the form of an invitation to play darts and drink a couple of beer with my boss. Perfect! He and his wife are total 80philes! They might be able to help me! They even lived here in the correct time frame to have possibly seen these guys play on campus or wherever. Plus my boss has some music identifier app on his iPhone!

I got to the boss’ house and, after dusting off an old tape player and splicing some speaker wire, we proceeded to listen. We listened to the whole mix-tape leading up to the stupid song in hopes of putting their heads into the right frame of reference. When the song came on all I saw was blank stares. Even the iPhone had a blank look on its face. The stupid app couldn’t recognize the song either. DAMMIT!

So, here is my request. I am giving you the lyrics of this song. Please copy and paste them into an eMail and send it to everyone you know. Have them forward it to everyone they know. I want this damned lyric to become one of those ubiquitous forwards that go around the world a million times. I will also include an eMail for me at the end of the lyrics so when someone knows they can contact me. Thanks. I NEED TO KNOW! Doesn’t this song even kinda sound like my life? So weird!

How many times do I have to tell you that I love you, tell me

Oh what do I have to say?

None of the time I spent with you

I wouldn’t believe you if you would say

Please don’t tell me that is all

Cause I’m not ready for the fall

So please don’t tell me that is all

Why do you ask about the other girl?

She never asks me about you

It seems so funny but no ones laughin’

Cause deep inside they know that I’m blue

If you tell me that is all

I’m not ready for the fall

So please don’t tell me that is all

So please don’t tell me that is all

How many times do I have to tell you that I need you, tell me

Oh what do I have to do?

All of my life I searched for someone

Now I find out that it is you

So please don’t tell me that is all

Cause I’m not ready for the fall

So please don’t tell me that is all

So please don’t tell me that is all

Please eMail me at batwaynes@yahoo.com and tell me who did this song and where I can get a digital copy of it.

Thank you.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Journey

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 3 Number 23
Journey

NO, I am not about to whip out the lyrics to Faithfully, Open Arms or even Separate Ways. That would be nice to see, but you can go look them up yourself. Hell, pull out an old cassette tape, if you want.

Ralph Waldo Emerson (and, of course, Aerosmith) told us “Life is a Journey, Not a Destination…” I think we can all pretty much agree that this is a true statement. But this journey sometimes seems to take a lot out of us. And for the majority of us, this journey we call life is not always a Sunday ride through the country.

There are bumps, potholes, detours, washed-out bridges, seedy motels, unscrupulous characters, overpriced gas stations and bad parts of town on this journey. It is actually amazing that everyone just doesn’t take the next exit and leave. Sadly, some do. Some stay forever in that seedy motel, because the weather got bad. Some just drive into a bridge abutment and end their journey all together.

It is those of us who aren’t afraid of all of the aforementioned travel pitfalls that ultimately realize how great the journey is and was regardless of the snags along the way. Some of the problems we encounter are our own fault. We often don’t keep our vehicle (our mind) properly maintained. Many of us disregard the warning signs, orange barrels and even the dude at the side of the road flapping a flag at us.

Sure there are hard times during our travels, but what about all of the scenic by-ways, friendly passers-by, green lights, sunsets and rainbows that we are able to experience. What about the laughter of children, the acts of kindness and roadside farmers’ markets we come across. These things all make the journey worthwhile.

With all of that being said, I would like to disagree with old Ralphy Boy. Well, less disagree and more expand upon what he said. I do believe in the journey versus destination idea on a general level. I think that life is more accurately described as a series of legs on the journey and multiple destinations.

We all hated the “car vacations” when Dad just wanted to drive straight through. “Let’s just get there,” he said. Well, Dad had one destination in mind while we were sitting in the back seat watching all the other cool destinations whiz by our very eyes. Amusement parks, restaurants with giant cowboys on top, zoos and other cool stuff became pinpoints of missed opportunity to our young, wanting eyes.

Very few people embark upon life’s journey and ride straight through to death. On our life journey we will stop many times at many different destinations. That doesn’t mean, however that we stop growing. If you stop at a destination of marriage and family you (hopefully) end up taking those people with you on the next leg of your overall journey. Friends, co-workers, clients, shrinks, clerks at a store one frequents, and other people we meet also become voyagers with us on our grand journey, in full or in part.

[quick side note] How do we travel on this proverbial journey? I would have to say we are all on motorcycles. We are each in charge of our own journey, but as people join and leave us for any given leg they don’t jump on with you – the ride along side. Maybe we are actually all in tractor-trailers. How else would we carry all of our crap? Ah, let’s stick with the motorcycle version… it’s cooler.

Today 6,787,381,261 people are either on a leg of their journey or at one of their destinations. Many of them are on an extraordinarily tough leg of their journey with only the faintest clues of what their next destination might be. They are leaving their last destination that may have seemed a wonderful place at one point in time, but has recently turned into one of those bad parts of town out of which they absolutely had to pull themselves.

When leaving any of your destinations (whether people come with you or stay behind) you have to figure out what you learned while you were there – good AND bad. As you don your leathers and straddle your iron horse, you have things to think about and ponder. The time at your last destination may have taught you “what your priorities are in life, what you do and don’t want out of life and what your strengths and weaknesses are.”

That is what is known as baggage. We all have it and, even though the connotation is bad, there is baggage that is good. From both adversity and fortune grows strength. You just have to learn from the situations in which you found yourself at your last destination. Even if you have no clear idea of your next destination, you have to be able to point your handlebars down the correct road, the road of love, honesty, loyalty, sincerity and personal responsibility. If you stay on that road you will also find reverence, hope, thrift, charity, moderation, hard work, courage, gratitude and – of course – friendship.

Staying on that road, you will find that the ride is smoother, the weather is nicer, the gas is cheaper and true friendship is more abundant. As I have already said, in all actuality, we never really know where our next destination is. We have a feeling of where we would like to go, but regardless of our intentions, weather conditions change, bridges wash out and sometimes you even hit a toll road. Sometimes that bad stuff happens within us; sometimes it is external. It is our job to figure out how to deal with it and how to (hopefully) learn from it. That is the journey.

An old Chinese Proverb says: “To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping.”

So, as you embark on the next leg of your journey: ride safe, be true and may the sun and the wind always be at your back.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS Here a couple of quotes I love, but didn’t use:

“All of life is a journey – which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look forward to is up to us. We determine our destination, what kind of road we will take to get there, and how happy we are when we get there.” – Anonymous

“Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn't stop to enjoy it.” William Feather

For you.