Stranger Danger!

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 11
Stranger Danger!

During the summer between my Junior and Senior college years I went to visit my Folks in Missouri. I drove the 1980 Oldsmobile Omega that they had given me. It is the only four door sedan that I have ever driven that had a stick shift. It was a strange, but really cool and fun car.

While I was in the show me state, Dad and I ended up having to replace the front driver’s side CVU (constant velocity unit?). Dad is the mechanic not me, I just kind of watched and handed tools to him.

I had a great time with my folks. I also had a great time with a girl named Jacque (that is not really a printable story, however), but soon came time for me to leave on the next leg of my summer tour.

I was going to drive to Georgetown (in D.C.) where my buddy was graduating college – he didn’t take a year off like I did. Once there, the plan was to pack up his crap and transport him to Dallas where he would be attending Law School at SMU. My friends are all much more successful and smarter than I am.

I was in my early twenties and though I had lived in Europe and Canada and various parts of the U.S., I was not very “worldly.” This was going to be an adventure! My plan was to drive the entire 1,000 miles straight through to John’s apartment in D.C. so I could sleep a bunch and then catch all of the graduation parties with him and his Georgetown buddies. Actually, now that I think of it, I always try to drive straight through – no matter where I am going.

“Bye Mom! Bye Dad!” and I was on my way: the Omega Man and the open road. Maybe I would meet some beauty on the road. Maybe I would find a briefcase full of money on the shoulder. Maybe I would meet a Howard Hughes type billionaire in a roadside diner and he would like me and give me a ton of money to make my dreams come true. The possibilities were endless!

Then, only 429 miles later, near Greenfield, Indiana (just east of Indianapolis) it happened. Kachunk! Rattle, Rattle, Rattle! Grind! Rattle. “What the F!?!?”

I pulled the car over, got out and walked around to the front passenger tire from where the cacophony seemed to originate. Just as I got to the ground and poked my head under the car to take a peek, three marble sized ball bearings fell to the ground as if some one had just pulled out the last stick in a game of “Kerplunk!”

CVU thing-a-ma-bob! Dammit! [ed. Note: replace those damned things in pairs, regardless how one looks versus the other!]

We hadn’t replaced that one because it was fine! It was perfect! Until now… here… in the middle of Indiana… alone… all alone… on the side of the highway… sheltered boy… alone… broke-down… scared… HELP!!!!!!!!

I limped the Omega to the next rest area which had a pay phone (no cell phone back then) and contacted the authorities: my folks.

With Mom and Dad’s help a wrecker was en route to tow me to a Greenfield garage where I could have the needed repair made.

Good news…the wrecker was there within 20 minutes.

Bad news…there had been an accident on the highway, so we were in a traffic jam for an hour.

I am nervous. This is the first thing that anything like this had ever happened to me. I had long hair and ripped jeans and I could only guess what these simple country folk though about me. As we inched along in the traffic jam the driver kept asking me questions and I politely responded. Simple enough questions…he just wanted to know about me…

We finally got to the garage.

Good news…it was still open.

Bad news…couldn’t get the part from Indianapolis warehouse until ten the next morning.

The wrecker driver told me he could take me to a motel that was owned by a friend of his! Gulp! He said it was right across the street from a nice little diner where I could eat supper. I’m a-scared!

So I got back into the cab of the wrecker and just tried to think of a happy place while he drove me (hopefully) to the motel. After we were about a block or two away from the garage and the familiarity of my Omega and my cassettes and stuff I became more nervous. Then he said he had to stop someplace BEFORE going to the hotel!

I kept thinking of my happy place.

Trying to sound as strong and un-frightened as possible, I asked him what he had to do.

“I, um, have to go move a queen bee from a hive, so I, um, can move the hive,” he said.
Happy place, happy place, happy place!

We drove in silence for a while.
Happy place, happy place, happy place!

Then he turned down an alley.
Happy place! Happy place! Happy place!

He pulled to the side and parked near a large oak tree.
Happy place! Happy place! Happy place!

Then he leaned over to me…
Happy place! Happy place! Happy place!

…and said “Welp, um, here we are.”
HAPPY PLACE! HAPPY PLACE! HAPPY PLACE!

I opened my mouth to scream and plead with him not to touch me or my private parts, when, much to my surprise and relief, he stepped out of the truck and walked over to the giant oak tree that had a bunch of bees buzzing around it! Then a lady came out of the house that was just past the tree to greet and thank the guy for coming over.

I got out of the wrecker and the guy showed me how to handle bees and he got the queen out and said he would get the rest tomorrow or whatever. Then he took me to his friend’s motel and they gave me a big discount as did the restaurant across the street.

The wrecker guy came back to the motel the next day and took me back to the garage to get my Omega and I was on my way again with my innocence still intact. Until the graduation parties and adventures that night in Georgetown, that is.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

I’m Here

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 10
I’m Here

Well, I have been browbeaten by my few readers and even threatened by my boss (see the last installment), so here I am writing my blog again.

The problem is that no funds came in for the presidential campaign (cheapskates!) and everyone wanted me to write something funny and stop talking politics. The other problem is nothing funny has really happened in my life lately.

My son has been an exasperating handful, yet has been making great strides in adjusting to the new “living with Dad” arrangement. The Girlfriend and I have been getting along well with small, normal spats sprinkled throughout. Mom is doing well and happily spending more time with her grandson. Dad and I are as chummy as ever. The rest of my extended family seems to not have any bad feelings toward me. I hear from my friends from afar on occasion. I am trying to write myself a budget to stick to, but I am failing miserably at it, because expenses keep coming up. It costs $40 to fill my little “soda can” (as the Boy calls it) car.

See, it is all normal crap. It is good, don’t get me wrong, but it is just normal.

I even went to renew my license plate at DMV (at 12:13pm) the other day and guess what happened. I went in, took my number (69) and proceeded to sit down when I noticed they were serving number 68. Before my fanny hit the chair I heard “now serving number 69 at window 5.” I was in and out of the place in 5 minutes. No comedy, no tales of frustration.

I even had time to completely “Armour All” the inside of my car before work this morning, while getting the Boy in gear to get ready for school. I finished just as the clock indicated it was time to go.

I don’t mean to seem ungrateful for everything going good, but we all know that comedy stems from pain and misfortune – two things that I have not really had lately. Thank God. Sometimes I (and I am sure all of us) feel overwhelmed or frustrated when we run into obstacles.

• I get stressed when the Boy acts up.
• I rub my eyes when the Girlfriend and I have a disagreement.
• I freak out when I have only a couple of bucks until next the paycheck, which is six days away.
• I pull out my hairs when the dog decides to sprinkle the carpet with urine rather than doing it outside.
• I get worried when Mom doesn’t seem to be feeling well.
• I grumble if I haven’t spoken to Dad and the Missouri clan in a while.
• My concern increases if I hear an odd sound come from my vehicle.
• I feel vexed if my receiver has to “search for the satellite” when I turn on the TV.
• I am nervous when I haven’t seen one of the cats in a couple of hours and I know people were running in and out of the house.
• Etc.

Our troubles are relative to our individual lives during the period of time in which they occur. When we reach plateaus of normalcy in our lives, troubles that would have been catastrophic before, become only irritating. Hopefully, as we move forward and look back, the troubles of today will seem miniscule and ridiculous.

So now I look back. Not long ago the things that irritate me now were problems that would never have been able to arise.

• The Boy didn’t live with me.
• I had no Girlfriend nor would anyone have me.
• I was out of money before I even endorsed my paycheck.
• There was no goofy little canine companion to clean up after.
• Mom lived 1,000 miles away so I was not close enough to help her or enjoy her company.
• I didn’t have the means to communicate directly with Dad (no I couldn’t even afford a stamp).
• I had lost my car.
• When the TV turned to snow I was sure it was because “they” found out I was getting it by “non-conventional” means.
• There were no fluffy kitties around the house to tolerate my presence.
• Etc. was unattainable, unaffordable and out of reach.

At one point in the not too recent past I was actually 2 days from having to live on the street. No. Really. No BS and no smoke and mirrors. That is a fact. Remembering that time makes just about any trouble I have with life now seem so insignificant. So, I am glad that my life is normal and I thank God for the troubles I have now, because they mean I actually am doing better since I am capable of having them AND dealing with them.

I didn’t mean for this one to be a “Count Your Blessings Blog,” but that is just the way it came out.

Funny will happen again. In the meantime, rent Grizzly Man (2005) – if you haven’t already. It is that documentary about the nut job that goes to live with the bears to protect them and in return they…that’s right…they eat him. Idiot. All of the people in this film are soooo over the top that it seems like a parody, but… it is not! Then go to YouTube and watch the various parodies of it. OMG! Now that is funny!

Until Next Time,
Wayne

Not Waynes Words

This is not Wayne or is it? But since Wayne has been having a hard time trying to write about some thing I thought I would give him a hand ( hint hint )

Hot Tips on Resume Writing

REMINDER: If you quote this page on YOUR website, be sure to include Yana Parker's name and a link to her website (http://damngood.com)

1. What IS a resume anyway?
Remember: a Resume is a self-promotional document that presents you in the best possible light, for the purpose of getting invited to a job interview.
It's not an official personnel document. It's not a job application. It's not a "career obituary"! And it's not a confessional.

2. What should the resume content be about?
It's not just about past jobs! It's about YOU, and how you performed and what you accomplished in those past jobs--especially those accomplishments that are most relevant to the work you want to do next. A good resume predicts how you might perform in that desired future job.

3. What's the fastest way to improve a resume?
Remove everything that starts with "responsibilities included" and replace it with on-the-job accomplishments. (See Tip 11 for one way to write them.)

4. What is the most common resume mistake made by job hunters?
Leaving out their Job Objective! If you don't show a sense of direction, employers won't be interested. Having a clearly stated goal doesn't have to confine you if it's stated well.

5. What's the first step in writing a resume?
Decide on a job target (or "job objective") that can be stated in about 5 or 6 words. Anything beyond that is probably "fluff" and indicates a lack of clarity and direction.

6. How do you decide whether to use a Chronological resume or a Functional one? The Chronological format is widely preferred by employers, and works well if you're staying in the same field (especially if you've been upwardly-mobile). Only use a Functional format if you're changing fields, and you're sure a skills-oriented format would show off your transferable skills to better advantage; and be sure to include a clear chronological work history!

7. What if you don't have any experience in the kind of work you want to do?
Get some! Find a place that will let you do some volunteer work right away. You only need a brief, concentrated period of volunteer training (for example, 1 day a week for a month) to have at least SOME experience to put on your resume.
Also, look at some of the volunteer work you've done in the past and see if any of THAT helps document some skills you'll need for your new job.

8. What do you do if you have gaps in your work experience?
You could start by looking at it differently.
General Rule: Tell what you WERE doing, as gracefully as possible--rather than leave a gap.
If you were doing anything valuable (even if unpaid) during those so-called "gaps" you could just insert THAT into the work-history section of your resume to fill the hole. Here are some examples:

• 1993-95 Full-time parent -- or
• 1992-94 Maternity leave and family management -- or
• Travel and study -- or Full-time student -- or
• Parenting plus community service

9. What if you have several different job objectives you're working on at the same time? Or you haven't narrowed it down yet to just one job target?
Then write a different resume for each different job target. A targeted resume is MUCH, much stronger than a generic resume.

10. What if you have a fragmented, scrambled-up work history, with lots of short-term jobs?
To minimize the job-hopper image, combine several similar jobs into one "chunk," for example:

• 1993-1995 Secretary/Receptionist; Jones Bakery, Micro Corp., Carter Jewelers -- or
• 1993-95 Waiter/Busboy; McDougal's Restaurant, Burger King, Traders Coffee Shop.

Also you can just drop some of the less important, briefest jobs.
But don't drop a job, even when it lasted a short time, if that was where you acquired important skills or experience.

11. What's the best way to impress an employer?
Fill your resume with "PAR" statements. PAR stands for Problem-Action-Results; in other words, first you state the problem that existed in your workplace, then you describe what you did about it, and finally you point out the beneficial results.

Here's an example: "Transformed a disorganized, inefficient warehouse into a smooth-running operation by totally redesigning the layout; this saved the company thousands of dollars in recovered stock."

Another example: "Improved an engineering company's obsolete filing system by developing a simple but sophisticated functional-coding system. This saved time and money by recovering valuable, previously lost, project records."

12. What if your job title doesn't reflect your actual level of responsibility?
When you list it on the resume, either replace it with a more appropriate job title (say "Office Manager" instead of "Administrative Assistant" if that's more realistic) OR use their job title AND your fairer one together, i.e. "Administrative Assistant (Office Manager)"

13. How can you avoid age discrimination?
If you're over 40 or 50 or 60, remember that you don't have to present your entire work history! You can simply label THAT part of your resume "Recent Work History" or "Relevant Work History" and then describe only the last 10 or 15 years of your experience. Below your 10-15 year work history, you could add a paragraph headed "Prior relevant experience" and simply refer to any additional important (but ancient) jobs without mentioning dates.

14. What if you never had any "real" paid jobs -- just self-employment or odd jobs? Give yourself credit, and create an accurate, fair job-title for yourself. For example:

• A&S Hauling & Cleaning (Self-employed) -- or
• Household Repairman, Self-employed -- or
• Child-Care, Self-employed

Be sure to add "Customer references available on request" and then be prepared to provide some very good references of people you worked for.

15. How far back should you go in your Work History?
Far enough; and not too far! About 10 or 15 years is usually enough - unless your "juiciest" work experience is from farther back.

16. How can a student list summer jobs?
Students can make their resume look neater by listing seasonal jobs very simply, such as "Spring 1996" or "Summer 1996" rather than 6/96 to 9/96. (The word "Spring" can be in very tiny letters, say 8-point in size.)

17. What if you don't quite have your degree or credentials yet?
You can say something like:

• Eligible for U.S. credentials -- or
• Graduate studies in Instructional Design, in progress -- or
• Master's Degree anticipated December 1997

18. What if you worked for only one employer for 20 or 30 years?
Then list separately each different position you held there, so your job progression within the company is more obvious.

19. What about listing hobbies and interests?
Don't include hobbies on a resume unless the activity is somehow relevant to your job objective, or clearly reveals a characteristic that supports your job objective. For example, a hobby of Sky Diving (adventure, courage) might seem relevant to some job objectives (Security Guard?) but not to others.

20. What about revealing race or religion?
Don't include ethnic or religious affiliations (inviting pre-interview discrimination) UNLESS you can see that including them will support your job objective. Get an opinion from a respected friend or colleague about when to reveal, and when to conceal, your affiliations.

21. What if your name is Robin Williams?
Don't mystify the reader about your gender; they'll go nuts until they know whether you're male or female. So if your name is Lee or Robin or Pat or anything else not clearly male or female, use a Mr. or Ms. prefix.

22. What if you got your degree from a different country?
You can say "Degree equivalent to U.S. Bachelor's Degree in Economics-Teheran, Iran."

23. What about fancy-schmancy paper?
Employers tell me they HATE parchment paper and pretentious brochure-folded resume "presentations." They think they're phony, and toss them right out. Use plain white or ivory, in a quality appropriate for your job objective. Never use colored paper unless there's a very good reason for it (like, you're an artist) because if it gets photo-copied the results will be murky.

24. Should you fold your resume?
Don't fold a laser-printed resume right along a line of text. The "ink" could flake off along the fold.