So This is Christmas

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 22
So This is Christmas

I was at a standstill in traffic a few minutes ago and, as I sat and waited for the vehicular artery to become unclogged, I noticed something in the KFC parking lot to my left.

An old man had was helping his wheel-chair bound wife into the car and as he got her out of the chair it proceeded to roll down the parking lot. A lady who was ready to turn into the flow of traffic that was unaffected by the snarl got out of her car and retrieved the wheel-chair and pushed it back to hand to the man, A smile and pleasant words of seemed to be exchanged and the people went about their business.

Beautiful.

I strive to be like all three people in this scenario.

• I want to be like the wife who has someone that cares about her so much that every day he will do the little things that matter like: take her to town (even if it IS just KFC), get her in and out of the car and who knows what else that man does for her.
• I want to be like the man and not give a second thought to doing those things. It is just what he does, because he loves her.
• I want to be like the lady who stopped her busy Christmas schedule, even for a moment, and helped strangers.

I strive to be like these people, but I often fell that I come up short (keep your "little" jokes to your selves).

• Maybe I focus too much on one task and forget about other things that need my attention.
• Maybe I concentrate so hard in making one thing work out for someone that I end up being oppressive rather than helpful.
• Maybe I internally and unintentionally prioritize things that need my attention and don’t stop to realize the things I am ranking can all be number one on the list.
• Maybe I don’t tell or show the people I care about how much I actually love them as often as I should.
• Maybe my life is just a juggling act and lately I am having a hard time keeping all of the burning batons in the air.
• Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself.
• Maybe I am feeling sorry for the people I feel I may be letting down.
• Maybe I will just pick up these damned batons, disregard the burns and start juggling again, but this time I will concentrate on all of the batons and each of the batons at once.

Maybe that is really what life is. It IS juggling. You have to watch all of the flaming batons at once and, at THE SAME TIME, concentrate on the one you are about to catch as you throw another into the air. If you drop one of the batons can you make a corny juggler’s joke then flip it back up into the mix with your foot? If you drop them all can you pick them back up, relight the ends and keep trying?

I am of the mind that you concentrate harder, focus stronger and keep trying. And that is what I will do.

I hope that all you have a beautiful Christmas. I know I will – I am surrounded by people that I love immensely and, lucky for me, they also love me.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Thankful, Wondering

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 21

Thankful, Wondering

I hope that each and every one of my 3 loyal readers had a great Thanksgiving. I had a good one and I also had some time to do some needed work around the house and even took some time to play and relax.

‘Tis that time of year when we all start thinking about what it is we are thankful for and we start looking toward a new year in hopes of making things for us and those around us at least just a little bit better.

This time of year for me is actually somewhat confusing - especially this year with all that is going on in the world. So, while I count my blessings I am also usually left wondering about things.

• I am thankful - for my son. Regardless of how trying he is, how disrespectful he may turn toward me with his teen angst (at eleven years old) and how he fails to realize that I am his biggest ally, I am still in awe of his greatness everyday.
• I wonder - Why is it that we have come to the point that we need a casualty report for the first shopping day of the holiday season?
• I am thankful - that I still have both of my parents with me today. Both of them are the reason I am who I am today. I will keep trying, folks. I will keep trying to get better with each passing year.
• I wonder - Why are “we” bailing out these companies and banks? If we went to them in the same broke-ass state or were unable to make a payment because we were losing money or told them that we were too big to fail, they would kick us to the curb and take both our first and second born (and still charge us penalties and interest).
• I am thankful - for my beautiful girlfriend. She stands by my side and puts up with my insanity and mental quirkiness day in and day out. She makes me want to be a better man and indeed has made me a better person.
• I wonder - What did they mean in Yankee Doodle Dandy when they wrote the lyric – “and with the girls be handy?” Is that some sort of pre-Revolutionary War sexual reference? It always made me giggle. Plus, what is that whole “called it macaroni” part supposed to mean? Was Yankee Doodle an idiot?
• I am thankful - for my high school buddies. Regardless of differing political views, lifestyles, levels of success, etc. they always welcome me with open arms and usually a beer. Not a bad way to be welcomed – all in all.
• I wonder - Why do people (especially politicians) say they can see both sides of the story or an issue, but no one ever says that they can see the middle? That is usually closer to where the answers truly reside.
• I am thankful - that I am not short. I am not really tall, but I’m not short. Don’t get me wrong - I love short people, unless I am one of them.
• I wonder – How are troubled suburbanites are going to commit suicide when we have done away with all of the internal combustion engines? You will no longer be able to run a hose from the tailpipe to the interior of your car so you can suck down fumes that will take you deep into eternal sleep.
• I am thankful – for life. For better or worse it is pretty damned cool. “I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah. I just want to celebrate, yeah, yeah. Another day of living. I just want to celebrate another day of life.” (Rare Earth)
• I wonder – What is going to come after High Definition Television? Did they bestow the name “High Definition” upon this technology because they are holding out for “Higher Definition” and eventually “Highest Definition?” What the hell is that stuff gonna cost us?
• I am thankful – for where I live. Mother Nature (thus far) doesn’t hate Las Cruces. We have no totally crippling weather, no earthquakes, no all consuming wildfires, no floods, no hurricanes, no tornadoes, no locusts, no sinkholes, no avalanches, no ubiquitous fog, etc. We have isolated occurrences of some of those, but they don’t shut down our entire region and existence.
• I wonder – Why are there are not really any superheroes? Is any of it that far-fetched? Sure, the ideas were uber-fantastic to the public during the Golden Age of Comics (1930s and 1940s), but now? With all that we have seen, discovered, invented would it be too crazy for us to handle or even fathom a real Superman or Batman?
• I am thankful - for my “work family.” We are like “real” family in that we care about each other and we have each other’s backs, but we get paid too! I guess that makes it better than “real family!” Tee Hee.
• I wonder - What in the hell they told Randolph Roberts when they decided “Chuck Cunningham” was no longer going to be a Happy Days character? “There will be no write out, no spin off, no nothing. We are all just going to pretend your character never existed. Sorry, Mr. Roberts” By the way Chuck was actually in 9 episodes of Happy Days (he was not in, but credited in two other episodes). In the first 7 appearances he was played by Gavan O’Herlihy. That really sucks! Roberts thought he got a big break by taking O’Herlihy’s role then “C’YA!”

To quote the Late Great Jerry Reed in Smokey and the Bandit “Hell, I gots to go!”

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Long Time No Type

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 20
Long Time No Type

Of course it has been a long time since I blogged. It seems that no matter how good my intentions are, I don’t get this done. Argh! Damn Me! Let’s see what has happened since last time?

I got the results of my physical. Clean bill of health! “I have nothing to fix with you.” That is a direct quote from my doctor.

Halloween. I had a costume party that I had been looking forward to attending, but was not sure what the Boy was doing. He ended up deciding to go see his Grandma out of town, so I was indeed able to go. Woo Hoo. Woo Crap! I actually had no idea what to be. It was a very busy work week to boot. In addition it was a busy school week for the Boy. He had 5 different costume days: Pajama Day, Future Career Day, Western Day, Sports Day and Halloween Costume Day. With all the work and costuming I was so busy that I never figured out what I was going to be. It was a bout 4 hours before the party when I finally was able to start getting it together. A cheap wig from K-Mart, a pair of size three stretchy pants and a small woman’s t-shirt from goodwill and viola! This is what I came up with.

That is my lovely GF in the witchy get-up!

This is me.

What else happened? Oh, I guess we have ourselves a new El Presidente. Regardless of whom you voted for, this is the outcome. What is funny is that the Republicans didn’t lose and then decide to take it to court. Of course, that is not the same for the gay marriage issue in California. I think it was Proposition 8? Anyway, it was put on the ballot and things didn't go the way the gay community wanted it to. The (quite liberal) people of California have spoken. But alas! It ain’t over. The losers are taking it to court. It seems like no one can just lose anymore. They have to contest the loss. When I was a kid we called that a spoiled sport.

Anyway, the new President is the new President and I am here watching and listening. I may not agree with everything he does, but he is the President of my country and I will support him. I will probably end up taking issue with some things and I may say something about them. This last President gave me things to grumble about too (especially in the second term). Frankly, they are all politicians and they all suck. There I said it.

What else happened? The GF is out of town for nearly a week. She went to a Madonna Concert in Denver. That Madonna puts on one helluva long show, eh? In her absence, the Boy and I were left to our own devices. I was afraid we would end up killing each other, but we actually did ok.

Over the weekend we steam-cleaned every square inch of carpet in the house, deep cleaned his room and the living room, went up on the roof and did the winter shut down on the cooler, went to Adventure Zone in El Paso for about 4 hours, I got a full body massage (sent to me long distance by the GF!) and we ate gross amounts of food from Big-Happy-Fun-Joy-Family-Smiley-Time-China-Buffet. We still have a few days before she gets back so wish us luck.

That is everything for now.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Just Leave ‘Em Down

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 19
Just Leave ‘Em Down

Holy Crap! Will it never end? I don’t know bout everyone else, but I have had had about up to here (holding my hand at military salute level to indicate how far up I have had it) with this political season. It seems like these idiots (except for Sarah of course – wink, wink) have been blabbering for ever. Enough already! Let’s get to the polls and get it over with! Tired already, I am of all of this.

Does anybody really think the two camps are going to tell us anything new in the next couple of weeks? I don’t, but hey! They may surprise us.

Off of the political topic I had an interesting week. I got to have the extreme pleasure of getting my first “you are getting old, man” medical exam. Weeeeee! Ugh!

First off, my doctor is very cool and I have extreme confidence in him. Thank God they have not socialized the medical industry…yet. I hate going to the doctor and really don’t go unless I have to (even then I often weasel out of it). I am not afraid of needles, or exams, or procedures or anything that they do. I just would rather spend my time doing something else.

I do like to see my doctor on the occasions that I do need to get something checked. He is a Vietnam Vet and we always have interesting conversations about the country, the world or that mysterious dry patch on my thigh. Again, I still don’t like to go. Maybe it is a subconscious “ignorance is bliss” thing. The doctor’s office is where you find out you have Morgellons Disease, Avian Flu, Creutzfedlt-Jakob Disease or Aphtae Epizooticae. Who really wants to know that stuff? I guess you do if you want a cure or something.

Anyway, I was supposed to get this exam on my 40^th birthday, but I didn’t. So when I turned 41 I went to the doc’s office dutifully. When I went in I told him why I was there and he filled out some paperwork and told me to go to the lab after I had fasted for the required 12 hours. I was almost astonished. What? No jelly finger? I had gotten myself so psyched up for the rubber glove and lube exam that I was slightly disappointed (stop with the giggling). I was just so proud for being ready for it and actually going that I was a bit bugged that he was not going to do it after all of my mental preparation. He told me we would do it after the lab work and he sent me on my way. I never got to the lab.

A mere twenty months later I skipped back into the doc’s office. I was ready for him to again hand me a lab sheet. I had already fasted so I could go get the blood work done right away. No excuses! Then I could mentally regroup and go get the poke. As we talked I asked him about that dry patch of skin on the back of my thigh. He told me to drop ‘em. Who am I to argue with a Vietnam Vet? He examined my thigh and told me it was nothing…it was just a dry patch. So I went to pull ‘em up and he said “just leave ‘em down.”

I heard the snap of a latex glove and the glopping sound of lubricant jelly and then he told me to put my elbows on the table! OH NO! I wasn’t ready yet. I hadn’t done my mental preparations yet! What happened to going to get the lab work first? I wasn’t relaxed! I was not ready! I hadn’t even…oof! “MOOOOOOOOON RIVER!”

He finished and yanked off two Kleenexes and told me to wipe my bottom. I did. Then I grabbed about four or five more to complete the job. There was so much jelly that you would have thought he was Alice making P B and J’s for the Brady kids. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad there was plenty. A dry prostate prodding doesn’t sound comfortable.

I went to pull ‘em up and he said “just leave ‘em down.” Again, who am I to argue with a Vietnam Vet? Then he came around to my front and grabbed my region! Crap! I forgot all about this part! “Turn your head and cough” he says. Well, I had been coughing since I had a cold three weeks ago and now I couldn’t do it to save my life. I let out the lame cough of a grade schooler trying to ditch out of a math test by playing on mommy’s sympathies. Um… coff, coff? I guess it was good enough because he didn’t complain. He just fiddled and poked and held and jostled for a minute, then told me I could get dressed. I glanced over at the table to see if he at least let me a couple of bucks for the use of my body. Oh I forgot…I paid him.

All that then he sent me on my way to the lab. Good enough. I would like to say I skipped happily down to the lab, but after that violation… anyway. The other thing he had me do was go to the imaging place and get an ultrasound on my upper abdominal region. What? Why? He just wanted to check out a couple of things. That doesn’t sound normal, but who am I to argue with a Vietnam Vet?

I went to imaging after the lab and I wanted to see how much it was going to cost out of my pocket. I do have insurance, but I don’t think they pay for all things. The lady at the desk told me to fill out paper work and wait. Then 22 minutes later I was told to go in the back room. Some girl and I say girl, because she seemed all of 20 years old to my now aging body – Some girl told me to lie down and pull up my shirt. She slathered me with MORE JELLY! Oh no! Is she going in too? No, she just spread it all over my belly. I looked like I had just left the ring of a Jello wrestling championship. Inhale please sir. Exhale. What is that on the screen? Am I pregnant? Is it a boy or a girl? What college should the baby attend? She told me she was not allowed to tell me anything for liability reasons. So I just lay there and let some youthful sprite of a woman rub a magic wand all over my abdominal region. I did leave a couple of bucks on the table for her.

I don’t have any results back yet, but if it is anything crazy I will let you know.

In Good Health (for now) And

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Doldrums

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 18
Doldrums

I have been thinking about this blog and wondering if I am really any good at it. I don’t know. I actually didn’t set up any parameters or goals for this thing when I started. I was just asked to do it and I did.

I think that it is possible that I put too much pressure on myself. I would love to let the (few) readers I have walk away with some kernel of wisdom or a smile on their face when they finish reading an installment, but I don’t know if I always (or ever) have that in me. So, then I get to a point where I cannot think of anything to write because what few thoughts I do have are not poignant or witty. Then I wait until I can think of something and then suddenly it has been two or three weeks and I feel pressured to put some-damned-thing in it. At that point, I often feel that the drivel that I do spew forth is so contrived that it is complete and utter nonsense.

This thing is supposed to be updated every week and I have done so poorly in even accomplishing that task that it’s absurd. I even preached about procrastination in “Wayne’s Words - Volume 1 Number 10 - Time Keeps On Slippin’, Slippin’, Slippin’, Into The Future” and I cannot even live up to my own standards. I kinda feel like a politician or a Hollywood celebrity in that respect – stating standards that everyone should live by as long as I do not have to follow them myself.

So, anyway I am going to work on getting this train back on track. Some weeks it may not be funny, some weeks it may not be insightful, but it will be here for you to comment on and maybe open some sort of dialogue about whatever it is about which I write.

Speaking of comments, please leave one when you read the blog. It is really easy to do – at the bottom of the blog it will say in a gray color “0 COMMENTS” or whatever number there happen to be when you read it. Just click on that and you can read the other comments and post your own. Just type some-damned-thing in the box on the right hand side of the page click on Anonymous then click PUBLISH YOUR COMMENT. Viola! Comments let me know who I have offended, pleased or whatever. I also don’t care what you write in your comment. I did address one person’s comment, but only to defend myself.

I really think blogs are quite passé now and it seems like the whole world is doing them. Hell, the idiots on the news even quote them. It seems that is the new style of reporting. Instead of going out and getting a story, they just Google and see if someone blogged about it. Presto that is how America feels and it is a story. Dopes!

As I type this I realize the world is going down the tubes. The market, the election, the everything just seems so drastic and dramatic – and it is. I myself am so over-stimulated by it all that I have almost completely shut down.

Are they going to bail them out? I don’t know. Either way, regular folks like you and me pay for somebody else’s stupid mistakes, stupid lending practices and stupid greed.

So many people (especially on the left) hate Sarah Palin. They say “she’s just like me.” “I don’t want someone like me ‘one heartbeat away from the Presidency!’” They say that with the same mouth they use to tell their children that they can one day grow up and be President or anything they want.

The founding fathers wanted people just like her, actually - one of the people. She is also the picture of a regular American who wanted to get involved and make changes and did just that! She has worked her way up to where she is, not because she is a politician – because she is an American.

I think the lefty people hate her mostly because she is hot. I bet if she was ugly they would still hate her, but not to the degree they do now. But what do I know? I really don’t. I have not had that much exposure to her (tee hee), but her story is truly an American dream type story.

It seems that people who say politicians are too out of touch with the regular folks are now saying that Palin is too IN TOUCH with them. How dare her be normal and not one of the beltway boys – oops sorry – beltway people.

Regardless of what happens - I have to tell you it is all going to be OK - one way or another. OK may take on a different definition than we are used to, but it will be OK. The thing that we have to remember is that we regular people are the reason that it is all ever OK. We just gotta keep on keepin’ on.

Go to work, go to school, hang with friends, buy stuff, watch TV, volunteer, play games, take trips, go to shows, cherish our families, and love one another… this is what we regular Americans do and this is why it will all be OK.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Sick English

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 17
Sick English

I really wanted to do a new blog this week, but I have had a head cold and really just do not feel like it. I am draining and also just drained.

I really wanted to get into Governor Palin (the double meaning is not accidental – tee hee), but I just cannot seem to put more than two thoughts together. Thinking is really hard when you are sick.

I did just get a cool thing in my email from Chris that I thought would be a neat substitution for my blog. Many of you have probably seen it and some of you have not. Oh well. It is interesting and kind of fun and has a lot more thought put into it than I could ever muster.

You think English is Easy?

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce .
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?

You lovers of the English language might also enjoy this. There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is UP.

It's easy to understand - UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so...it is time to shut UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P

Until Next Time,

Wayne

Theme Song Void

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 16
Theme Song Void

Today one of my co-workers and I were discussing some random thing that led us to talking about the Brady Bunch which led to me singing the theme song. Then we wondered – What the hell ever happened to theme songs? They now seem to be pretty much nonexistent.

Sure, we all know the first stings of that annoying American Idol song… actually maybe that is all there is to that one. That’s the thing. I can’t remember. You have to admit that if there were one current theme song we as a television viewing society should be able to hum it would be that one. The dang show is only on 400 nights a week. How could you miss it? But, alas, we just know those irritating staccato beginning notes.

I can remember and identify the countdown clock from 24, but that is all. Does Heroes have a theme song? I watch it and I don’t even know. What about Lost? I truly think that there is a theme song void out there. I also know why.

It must have been some time in the 90s that we again cut down the actual lengths of TV shows. More advertising dollars needed to be made, so more room was made for commercials. While this is good for the economy and certain Account Executives’ pocketbooks, it really hurts the writers all the way down to us lowly viewers. The writers have to cram more and more exciting stuff to grab our attention into less and less time. When we viewers do find something that we really like we get less of it. It is almost like a stupid, forced diet. This trimming of time “fat” is why the opening credits of a show are often on screen as the show actually begins and why there is still that little bit of “extra” show (especially in sitcoms) along with the closing credits. There is just no time for the theme song anymore!

They have trimmed TV shows before and one would hope that they don’t again… but they have already done it! Yes they have! Those annoying little web-isodes or what ever the hell they are called. I have seen them on the inter-web (curse you, Al Gore!) oh wait…that is where this blog is… well, curse you, Al Gore anyway. Heroes is doing something like that and it is supposed to lead us into this upcoming next season. Argh!!!!! I have even seen net-isodes of TV shows and they chop them up and just give you the highlights! Double argh! Don’t just tease me, let’s go all the way, baby!

I am not angry, really. I just feel a little gypped (that may actually be a slur… I don’t know). I just miss the meat of my shows and I do miss the theme songs.

• The Addams Family
• Gilligan’s Island
• Green Acres
• All In The Family
• The Brady Bunch
• Happy Days
• The Jeffersons
• Laverne and Shirley
• The Mary Tyler Moore Show
• The Muppet Show
• Welcome Back Kotter
• The Love Boat
• Three’s Company
• Bosom Buddies
• WKRP in Cincinnati
• Cheers
• Diff’rent Strokes
• Dukes of Hazzard
• The Facts of Life
• Family Ties
• The Golden Girls
• Greatest American Hero
• Mad About You
• Married With Children
• Firefly
• Oh Yeah! Saved By The Bell

Even many of the lyric-less theme songs were cool

• I Love Lucy
• The Lone Ranger
• Leave It To Beaver
• The Andy Griffith Show
• Batman
• Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
• Hogan’s Heroes
• I Dream of Jeannie
• The Munsters
• The Odd Couple
• The Waltons
• Seinfeld
• And even Beverly Hills, 90210

Have fun getting these theme songs stuck in your head.

Until Next Time,
Wayne

PS Have I ever told you people how much I miss Firefly?

THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 15
THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS

The last comment on my Dark Knight blog read as follows:

“You are so cynical. I hope not everyone is like you or the criminals/villains won already. And you can just hide under your bed, instead of trying to make a difference.”

I take a certain level of offense to that statement. I don’t know that I was actually being cynical I look at more as being realistic. I will concede the cynicism point, however. I don’t want to argue semantics. I am actually too stupid to do so.

I will however argue the hiding under the bed and not trying to make a difference part of the statement. That is the last thing I do. I’m no superhero and I do not wear a cape (except on very special occasions). I do, however (just like all of the people with whom I associate), do my very best to do the right thing. Until the X-Men like mutants arise or until someone from a planet with a red sun lands here or until some multi-billionaire decides to train and don a cowl and cape - that is all that we regular citizens can do.

The things I do are small and often go unnoticed, but they are generally good things.

• I am honest in by business dealings,
• If I see a nail or screw in the road, I will pick it up so no one gets a flat tire,
• I honk at animals near the thoroughfare to scare them away from traffic,
• I hold doors open for people,
• I pick drunk friends up from the bar,
• I help people reach things off the top shelf in Wal-Mart,
• I help push stalled vehicles out of intersections,
• I am in Search and Rescue,
• I smile at children,
• I don’t spit my gum on the sidewalk,
• I try to be a good father to my son,
• I make people laugh.

I am sure there are other things that I (and Billions of other people) do, but that is just a small sampling. Some of the things are small and stupid, some are bigger. I think they all matter or I wouldn’t do them.

This list is not supposed to be a resume of nice things that I do, nor do I want kudos for any of it. I just want you to know that these are things that we normal guys do to try and make the world a little better place. I think that if even more people – oh, how does that bumper sticker read?- “Practice(d) Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty,” the world would be a better place.

Calling me a coward accomplishes nothing and actually tips the scale in the wrong direction. I don’t mind being called cynical – maybe I am. My rose colored glasses were broken long ago.

When the holiday season rolls around and someone tries to get in a fist fight with you because you took “their” parking space at the mall, maybe you will realize that my cynicism is a little bit more realistic that you originally thought.

Until Next Time,

Wayne

PS How about that Michael Phelps?!?! Go USA!

PPS We will miss you Issac Hayes and Bernie Mac. Thank You and Rest In Peace.

THE DARK KNIGHT

WAYNE’S WORDS
Volume 2 Number 14
THE DARK KNIGHT

Hopefully, by now, you have all seen The Dark Knight. If you have not – SHAME! SHAME ! SHAME!

The Dark Knight is a GREAT movie. It picks up seamlessly where Batman Begins ended. If you have not seen either of these movies you really need to and I will try not to spoil anything.

There is much controversy surrounding the newest Batman phenomenon:

• “I like the 60s Batman TV show, it was fun,”
• “I like the older Batman movies, they weren’t scary,”
• “no one could be Batman,”
• “it is too dark.”

I would like to address this stuff because I really like Batman. I’m not a freak – I don’t label all of my belongings prefixed by the word Bat or anything like that. OK, I don’t do that anymore. I do, however, have a very deep admiration for The Dark Knight.

Batman made his debut in Detective Comics #27 (May 1939) and has been thrilling readers and audiences for the 69 years since. Batman (originally hyphenated as the Bat-Man and still referred to at times as the Batman without the hyphen) has undergone many changes in that time. He started out on Bob Kane’s drawing board with “reddish tights…with boots ... no gloves, no gauntlets ... with a small domino mask, swinging on a rope. He had two stiff wings that were sticking out, looking like bat wings. And under it was a big sign ... BATMAN.” Removing the wings, adding a cape, a cowl and gloves and changing the colors to the muted black, gray and blue spectrum created the image of Batman that we all recognize.

Anyway, back to the bullet points:

(“I like the 60s Batman TV show, it was fun.”) As the comics progressed and changed over the decades, the 60s gave Batman a new home. TV! Deadpan, serious acting of hilariously ridiculous scripts and Technicolor (to the max!) made Batman into an even more iconic (albeit, ridiculous) creation. I loved the 60s TV show because the overacting and underwriting was genius.

(“I like the older Batman movies, they weren’t scary.”) Jump to the late 80s and early 90s when the big, bad bat jumped to the big screen. Fun movies! Don’t get me wrong. But constant actor changes ruined any chance of really having a franchise identity. The making of each subsequent film in the franchise more kid friendly, just started getting too close to the campiness of the 60s TV show ruining it for any serious adult viewer. (They did that a lot in the 80s, recall Ghostbusters 2? It was nowhere near as good as the first because of the kid-friendliness of it.) I did, however, like the 80s and 90s movies because Batman was on the big screen and they were, indeed, fun.

(“No one could be Batman.”) Actually, the cool thing about Batman is that ANYONE could be Batman - almost. You would have to be extremely wealthy (which Bruce Wayne is) and you would have to be intensively trained (which Bruce Wayne is). The great beauty in batman is that he is, for the most part, a regular guy. He isn’t from another planet, has not mutated, and wasn’t exposed to any sort of radiation or anything sci-fi-esque, like that. He just has a strong desire to right wrongs and make bad guys pay. With enough determination you could become as highly trained as Batman. With enough dough, you could buy all of his crap. Really. Check out Batman Tech and Batman Unmasked: The Psychology of the Dark Knight on the History Channel.

(“It is too dark.”) Sadly, these newest Batman movies are NOT too dark. They are just too realistic. The really sad part is that we already have villains like this. There is no Scarecrow that dons a mask that sprays you with chemicals to make you insane and submissive! Ah, but there are plenty of criminals out there that will slip you some rohypnol then rape and kill you (or worse). There’s no crazy, homicidal clown like the Joker. There are hoards of gang-bangers and street slime that will laugh and joke as they slice and dice on innocent victims, because to them it is funny and they feel no remorse. Come’on, there is not an evil dude with a melted off mug like Two-Face. Maybe and maybe not. But there are people out there who will put a gun to your head and flip a coin to see if they pull the trigger or not. Problem is, if the coin comes up heads they would probably blow your brains out anyway.

We have the villains out there and, as a society, we keep making it OK for them to do whatever they want. Doctors and lawyers come to their defense. They are ill, mommy and daddy didn’t love them, they are poor, they are victims of circumstance, they saw it in a movie or some other “reason”… It is sickening. They are bad and they should go away, but they won’t.

They won’t because all we have are excuses.

We have no heroes.

No Batman.

Until Next Time,
Wayne